Wednesday, March 07, 2007 || What life -supposedly- is
- They say that life is all about risks - that you should always grasp for what you want, even if you have no idea what the outcome could be like.
But what happens when you can't?
How many rejections can you really handle, how many risks that ended up a disaster can you face? Before you finally break into a million pieces?
I've spent my whole life trying to build a 'strong' image. That I'm independant, strong-willed and that I don't give much of a shit about a lot of things and people.
Which is why it's SO hard to face the truth: that I am, probably the weakest person you'll ever meet. I don't care about what people think of me because it's easier to live with. I don't need a boyfriend because I'm afraid of crying. I'm nonchalant around my parents because sometimes they say really hurtful stuff - words I would rather wipe away than to take into consideration.
They also say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. That phrase is merely an antidote to subdue the pain of rejection and disappointment, isn't it? How could pain make you stronger? If a man takes a bullet for the first time and the wound heals with time ... would taking another bullet be any less painful?
I have so much love in me to give. I have so much to offer to the world, I really think I do. But this vulnerability in me will hold me back from so many good, maybe great things. And probably it already has.
I feel quite incomplete. What can cure this? Does anybody else ever feel this way, or am I the only one? Like you can't really point out what's wrong in your life ... everything is normal, yet a dull ache remains in your heart. An ache that feels a lot like loneliness, but not quite. You call up your friend, go out for chat fests, you feel exhilirated and happy ... but when you're alone again - oh, there it is. It's very intense, very indescribable.
And it also makes you wonder ... why?
No, really. Why? Enlighten me. What is life supposed to be like?
Labels: personal
Sunday, March 04, 2007 || The guy we want
- *edited*
Was just thinking ...
What my mum wants in *my* boyfriend: Must be rich and very nice to his potential mother-in-law.
What my dad wants in my boyfriend: Must not look like an insect, or bear any resemblances to any animals whatsoever, or that particular insect/animal will stick around as my boyfriend's nickname forever.
Weirdly enough, my love life is one aspect of my life that my parents are not worried or concerned over. -_- I think that all those hours I spent talking about my dating philosophy and ideology must've rubbed off on them.
OMG ... I think that they actually trust me to make the right choices on this one. Though I'll also have to admit that I always somewhat handle it rather well. I sometimes wish that I don't, cause doing the right thing also really hurts a lot, most of the time. -_-
Andddd I just made a very fascinating discovery: I don't like clubbing. *gasp* very surprising!
I mean, I just go clubbing cause there basically is nothing else to do. I absolutely adore the music and dancing -- but the occasional *really* horny guys, the smell of cigs that lingers around until you get a 1-hour bath, the loudness.
I don't really love it. O_o I think that I should go back to my mamak days --- except that all my friends who used to lepak in mamaks talking rubbish are now into clubbing. Gah!
I am going clubbing later. But only because I have nothing else to do. And I think that I've said it before ... doing something definitely tops staying at home watching re-runs while thinking of all the stuff I could be doing to make my life more interesting. Who likes feeling lonely?
What *I* currently want in a boyfriend: Someone who'll watch the re-runs with me. And laugh with me about all the stuff we could be doing to make our lives more interesting - yet we still opted to hang out at home.
oh ... and play PS2 with me.
*** Post note - thoughts before sleeping: - felt super lazy to dress up for clubbing, and thus I wore a plain skirt and a kiddy-looking blue T-shirt. *yawn* no skimpy clothes! who cares if people think I'm weird.
And oh man, Flam and Qbar is sooo ... seafood-ish. o_O
- Number of guys I thought was cute: 1?
Number of guys who asked for my number: 4
Number of guys whom I purposely gave the wrong number: 2
- it was soo boring at first that I went to watch the Liverpool VS Man U match. I didn't know who I was rooting for so I had mixed feelings when Man U won. ahaha
Labels: personal
Thursday, February 15, 2007 || Answers
- .:. Valentines day was pretty ... nice. I opted to spend the whole day with a bunch of close single friends - all of us in the somewhat same position. Movie during the day, party at friend's place in the evening, then Bangsar. Bangsar pretty much sucked, but the company made up for it a bit.
.:. We all ended up emo-ing like shit in Bangsar's 24-hr McD at 2 a.m. I was really emo 'cause I had nothing to emo about. Everybody was emoing about the people they miss, but I was busy cracking my head wondering who to miss. It's a rather weird feeling, I tell you.
Honestly? Even if I do miss anyone, I just miss them for the feelings they made me feel. Not really them them. I miss "A" for his company and lame jokes. I miss "B" for having so damn much vision in life. I miss "C" for being uncomplicated and a cute fling.
.:. In my so-called quest to find myself, I've done a LOT of crappy things. It's really hard to explain, but I feel that in life, you're just meant to be ... somebody. Good or bad. You have to make the choice yourself. I never really knew what kind of person I'm supposed to be.
Smoked? Breath damn stinky. Overrated.
Told endless lies to get out of shit? Guilt.
Got pissed drunk? Felt like CRAP the next day.
Made out with people I'm not supposed to? ... Guilt. Big big guilt. And feeling shittier ten times over after that.
----
Came home from Bangsar feeling uber emo. But I came home to a very happy Fifi waiting for me at the door.
And I found roasted chestnuts - I LOVE chestnuts - packed up for me on my bed. Though I didn't eat it coz I felt guilty for eating McDs so late at night. So nice of my dad/mum.
I love my parents lah. It just hit me how much I love them. They trust me enough to let me make my own decisions in life.
I found the answer I've been looking for. I'm not a bad person.
Since the parentals have given me so much space to explore my boundaries, make mistakes, and find out who I really am ... I've made my decision. I want something more significant. I think that this is the right choice.
Labels: personal
Monday, February 05, 2007 || Oh the pain
- *edited*
My life has been significantly a lot more interesting than how it used to be ... but it's pretty weird that the more that happens, the less I want to blog about it. O____o It's like I can't find the words to describe my days anymore
But. No words can describe how I feel right now.
I dropped a RM50 note somewhere.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@#@$#@$%#$@%#$@$#^%$#$
Nothing you or I have to say will ever subdue the pain ... this dull ache in my heart. =(
And really. I had a really really depressing day. Something ... happened. I don't want to talk about it, but you can ask me about it in MSN or call me if you want, coz I obviously have no money to go out either. :'(
*wipes tear* I'm eating cup maggi at home.
*scurries off to a dark corner and continues crying*
Edited:
Okay enough depressing stuff.
His name is Jerry. Isn't he soooooo cute?
OMG SO KAWAII!
*looks at Fifi* ... meh.
Labels: personal
Thursday, January 18, 2007 || feeling empty
- I've been on a frenzied quest to fill up all of my days. And it's been working pretty well - I've been busy. Busier than ever.
It's like this. I'm desperately doing everything that I can - following John to his church, seeking whatever opportunity to drink, movie marathons with Andrew and Veen, etc - all to avoid being at home alone. For some weird reason, I just don't want to stay alone in my room, doing nothing ... And I'm doing everything I can to avoid it.
'Cos when you're alone, lying in your bed, you tend to think a lot. And for now, I don't like thinking, 'cos I inevitably end up thinking of the person I am. And the person I am becoming. Frankly, not really sure if I still like that person.
It's kinda depressing. So much that I sometimes purposely think of him or something, to take my mind off the more important issue - Me.
(Am fervently blogging now 'cuz I didn't fill up tonight's time slot with anything unnecessary to do)
I can genuinely say that I've never really felt this way before. I mean ... I've always been kind of sure of who I am, who I want to be, and for most of my life, I've succeeded at being the person that I expect myself to be. But now ... where am I? What am I doing? Who the fuck really am I?
If I was a guy, I'd definitely be some kinda bastard player. I want kisses. I need intimacy. I don't need some insecure fucked up person who makes me fall in love and then fucks up my life.
I just want to be in control ... yet sometimes, feel like I belong somewhere. No matter how fleeting the moment is.
But ME, being a girl, can't do that. Bloody unfair huh? A guy's a player and he's a god, a girl's a player - she's a slut. It's SO sad that if I told everyone that I'm a virgin - 80% would spit and laugh. Whereas there are girls who look more innocent than me who are fucking around, and nobody gives them the hard time of having a bad reputation.
Am actually kinda pissed off at how unfair the world is right now. I'm just SO afraid that I'll someday become someone that I don't recognize anymore. Someone who treats other people like dirt in order to protect herself? Someone who'll manipulate her way to the top? Someone who sleeps around?
I do doubt that I'll ever sleep around or simply lose my virginity. Not because of religious reasons. Not because I'm saving myself for my husband yada yada ...
But mainly because I don't think I could ever stand the potential feeling of being used. Unless *I* was the one who raped the guy and used him, not the other way around, but that obviously is highly unlikely.
Which is why I think that God planned for me to be female. If I was a guy ... I'd be an asshole. 'Cuz I've been hurt before, am currenly relationship phobic, very cynical, and people are just not worth hurting over.
It's kinda sad that no matter how busy or fun my day was ... I always end up lying in bed feeling kind of empty. Like I have no idea where all the time went.
Damn, I need hugs. I need kisses. I wanna nuzzle into someone's neck and have him tell me that everything will be okay.
But no more wishful dreaming ay. Must stay away from boys. Must not repeat mistakes.
But actually, I do know what will make me feel contented. For now. An hour-long bath, and then ice-cream in my bed, while watching The Break Up. Ah ... thank God for the small, uncomplicated things in life.
Labels: personal
Tuesday, January 16, 2007 || Gasing Hill
- (2nd blog post in less than two hours. Sorry lah i just suddenly felt like it)
I've always had a dream. A secret longing.
For some reason, I've always wanted to go up Gasing Hill really late at night with a guy I really like ... I don't know why Gasing Hill. I mean, all they have there are monkeys and couples making out ...
But I've always thought that it'd be really romantic to gaze at the whole of PJ together. To stare at the skies (and monkeys), our hands entwined with each other, and whispering mushy stuff to each other that nobody else will ever know about.
Last year, I REALLY wanted to go up there at night with the guy I really liked. I just knew that if there was anyone who could help me live out my perfect Gasing Hill dream, it was definitely him. But somehow, we were always so busy and things were always so complicated ... we never ended up going at all.
I always imagined that when we were up there, sitting on the benches, he'd whisper sweet nothings into my ear like he always did, wrap his arms around me like noone else would, and make me feel like he belongs to me and I to him. We'd giggle at all the chattering monkeys and peek at the couples (if any) making out and make dumb comments together.
But. The dream was not about to come true. It turned out that all the sweet nothings he whispered were REALLY nothings ... that when he wrapped his arms around me, it didn't mean much to him, not like it did to me. And the sad reality was he never belonged to me, and I probably wasn't the only girl who felt like he was my world.
All in one go, my Gasing Hill fantasy was crushed. Even though we never actually went up there and did those things. I swore that I'll never feel this way again, that I'll never let anyone creep into my life and make me want to believe in love. Not him, not anyone, not anymore.
Sunday night, I went up Gasing Hill with John and Veen. I sat on the bench and stared at the whole of PJ, watching a monkey climbing around while talking to my friends. Then it started to rain ... and I couldn't help but think, 'This would've been my perfect fantasy if he was here ...'.
But I also knew then that all the hurt was ... gone. Just like the rainwater dripping down the trees and into the earth. I don't feel the huge sense of betrayal and loss anymore. I don't feel like choking the breath out of him whenever I see him, not anymore. The 'he' I was referring to isn't him anymore.
I am definitely more cynical than the person I was before ... all the shit. But it's weird that I STILL want to go up Gasing Hill late at night with somebody that I really like, someday. And maybe we really will hold hands and talk about everything on the dirty bench. Or maybe we'll merely drink canned milo and stare at the scenary in silence.
My fantasy was destroyed once ... but it can be rebuilt, revamped and renewed. It'll be different, but it'll still be nothing short of a dream come true.
I hope.
Labels: personal
Monday, December 25, 2006 || Lalala hohoho hum hum boring post you can ignore
- Okay, while I'm typing this, I'm half-drunk (sorta) and somewhat kind of tipsy. Hopefully I can still form coherent sentences though. There's no point in going to sleep now while I'm still giddy and shit, 'cause I'd end up tossing and turning anyway. -_-
So I just came home from Bangsar. Not sure what was the place we went but I think it was called BarFlame. (Pyramid's Flame is better!)
Last time in col, John was bugging the rest of us to go to Bangsar, but since today is only like the second time I've clubbed there, our theory was right: it is definitely macha land. O.o Not being racist ah! It's just funny that in the whole club/bar, my friends and I were like the only chinese, I think. o_O
Christmas eve's countdown was pretty cool. I know I said I'm gonna stay away from the 'Dark Side' of life, but the whole point in me saying that was 'cause I didn't wanna end up being groped by strangers, or worse - making out with strangers. And also, I didn't wanna get hooked on cigs. Drinking is still quite okay in my books - it's what the alcohol makes you do that's scary.
Sooooo ... I was practically the first dood who started dancing, and after that everybody joined in! Since I said I didn't wanna get groped, I ended up dancing with like, 5 different hot chicks. WTF?
I exchanged names with two of them and talked a bit, but I can't remember the names now. LOLZ. All I know is that two of them are like Iban and Kadazan. Or something like that. Damn hot ah.
Actually, I think that my friend's theory might be right. If I force myself to stay away from guys too much, I might (un)naturally turn to girls instead. WTFx1000
When I was dancing, some dude tried to dance with me and I think he was gonna start coming really close and end up making out with me or something.
(Some of my friends were already doing that ... well. Wtf.)
I sort of shoved him away, and trust me, my shove is pretty strong for a girl's (LOL), before sneering "fuckerrrr". Aiyo just because I'm quite tipsy doesn't mean I'm wearing a sign that says "Come grab me I'm so sexy" okay. And if it's a hot guy also not that pissed off, but this dude face like pukimak wanna touch me ah. Damn tulan sial.
(I just realized that my language is a bit problematic - but nvm lah)
Anyway, I've decided to not stress out about things too much anymore. I know that it may sound kinda hypocritical, since I was bitching about worrying about my friends so much in the last few posts .... but I've realized that I can't help them make their decisions in life. I mean ... if people wanna smoke, sleep around, or even do drugs or whatever, what can *I* do, except offer them advice and help when they need it? O.o
My main priority ought to be protecting myself from all those stuff first. I know I'm capable of taking care of myself, but seriously, who am *I* to be a so-called saint anyway. I'm not even remotely religious or a stereotypical 'good' girl. =.=
Okok all I'm saying is - I will never sleep around, do drugs, or pick up smoking as a habit and addiction. But TOUCH WOOD if I ever do - I'll definitely write about it in my blog. Sometimes I worry that I write almost everything here, even shit that wouldn't benefit me if I revealed it to the world and my friends ..... but honestly, would YOU really judge me?
I mean, I highly doubt that any of my friends would waste their time reading my blog, shaking their heads, and start bitching about how screwed up I am to everyone else. =/ Nobody is that evil, riiiight? :D
And I'm a nice girl at heart. honestly. I'm just ... a bit confused, at times. Well hey, at least I admit it. O_O
Mannnn ... I'm kinda worried about my friend right now, who was totally OUT of it when I came home. I hope nothing happens. Brrr
Labels: personal
Thursday, December 21, 2006 || Innocent no more
- Hello world.
I've finally managed to drag my lazy ass in front of my computer to blog. Nobody will believe this, since I was practically lifeless, but I've been actually kinda busy lately. Seriously amazing. Though the way I've been spending lately, the last of my savings are gonna be gone soon, and I'll be back to being Desperately-Miserably-Stuck-At-Home.
On Monday, when we were staying at her place, Cally gave us french manicures. :D For free! Totally nice of her for giving me my first ever manicure. I mean, manicures were never really my thing, since I'm always so clumsy and banging my hands on everything anyway ......
And the end result was cool:
I know, I know ... it's very lady-like and not very "ME", but I like it. =D
I'm highly aware that I look really dumb(in a bad way)... but don't look at my face! The nails. :D
Anyway, Tuesday was Ivy's birthday, and Chris, Jac, and I spent it with her at Souled out.
Since I'm such a broke and am very stingy at the moment, I found the food there a little bit pricey. But oh OH, one of the waiters is CUTE. The one who helped us take this pic ... Nyeh heh heh.
Happy (belated) birthday Ivy! :D I could write a thousand words to describe what a sweet person you are, but words wouldn't come close. =)
------
I'm feeling rather confused and lost at the moment. It's something that I don't think I could blog about, cause it kind of involves someone I'm really close to. And I don't know how to put it into words without revealing who that person is.
Sometimes I wonder if everyone was pre-destined to be somebody. Is a so-called bad person destined to be "bad" from the moment he was born? I know that we all make our beds and we lie in it ... but seriously, sometimes I think that I don't know who I am. Or who I'm supposed to be. It's a very weird and complicated feeling.
I mean, I'm trying really hard to be the girl that I think that I'm supposed to be ... you know, a girl that doesn't sleep around, a girl that gets along somewhat decently with her family, a girl who's loyal to her friends.
But sometimes, I feel like it's sapping out the energy out of me ... And everytime I'm with friends who do stuff that I don't do, or stuff that I'm trying to stop doing, like smoking, drinking, or making out with strangers at clubs and shit ... I feel kind of alienated. Like I'm supposed to choose between them or being good ... because it's really very hard to stay away from those shit when someone you're super close to is falling deeper into it.
I know that I'm not supposed to be judgemental and should just be there for my friends, but I'm just so scared of detesting myself again. I mean, I don't really wanna be a smoker, a drinker, nor do I want to be a slut. Not now, anyway.
So what do I do? Take the easier turn by walking away from them, or continue being there, listening to them talk about pleasures I'm trying to stay away from, while playing the tiresome role of helping them to pick up ther own shit when they get into trouble, only to watch them make the same mistakes again anyway? O_o
It's all very confusing. Now I guess this is a vague taste of adulthood, for gone are the days when mamaks and ice cream were sufficient. =(
I got this picture from Christine yesterday. It was taken two years ago, when a bunch of us went cycling in Putrajaya or something ...
I cringed when I saw the very er .... unladylike and unflattering old picture.
But for some weird reason, if I'm trying to find who I really am, I actually think that this picture "defines" me the best. Wtf O_o
Wednesday, December 13, 2006 || Vows broken, lessons learnt
- So just now, Jaclyn and I were making a list of all the things we vowed we'd do, and not do in the year 2006, a list made back in the year 2005 and I barely got through SPM. It's kind of weird how much more innocent I was back then, even though it was just a year ago.
The list ... somewhat:
To remain single ...
The 2005 me was a lot more wiser, I think. I know that I'm not ready for a relationship. I know that I don't want to be emotionally tied down, cause I wouldn't have the maturity to handle it. Therefore, I actually promised myself that I would be single until I'm emotionally capable to really love, and sacrifice.
However, not that long ago, I was having "flings" with like, 3 or 4 people at the same time. I mean, I don't talk about them much, but with my best friends, I always joked that it was my "Peak Period". To be really truthful, I guess I just plainly kind of enjoyed the attention. *looks at sky*
(in my defence, fling = flirting with the guys who were interested in me, instead of immediately telling the ones that I wasn't interested in to not waste their time. I, being bored and everything, just led them on and went out with them ... *feels sorry* ... Not sex ok!)
But no, I don't really regret it. I mean, life is all about experiencing and learning, eh? But no, I wouldn't repeat a stunt like that ever again. It costed me a lot more than I bargained for ...... the one I really liked. And I was crushed. So yeah, I got what I deserved.
To find love ......
Back then, I wasn't really talking about the love between a man and a woman. I meant finding love in my family, my friends, God, and life ... O_o
But yeah, I did learn a thing or two about love this year. I'm not sure if I found love with a man, though it felt quite close to it ...
I've learnt that just because you really love someone, it doesn't mean that you will never do anything that'd hurt that person. Human nature is just hard to grasp. If someone breaks your heart, it doesn't mean that he/she doesn't love you in their own way. Cheap excuse, but I finally genuinely understand it ...
(I still wish I could say sorry. That I meant everything I said, even if my actions proved otherwise. =( )
I've learnt that there are some people in the world who don't deserve your love, or are people that you may not even know well ... but you just know that you love them. Not that kind of love, but still love nonetheless.
I got to know this Person this year, whom I still wish that I could've gotten to know better. He was braggy, sloppy and downright irresponsible. But he was one of those people that I knew that if I bothered to dig deeper, I'd find a good and worthy person.
(Actually, I felt the same thing when I first met Jaclyn. The personality similarities are so uncanny, it's almost freaky. Wtf)
And yeah, after a little effort, I did find a real person. He didn't want to be a good person, but he had a good heart. Don't ask me why I know, 'cause everything he does is just weird and somewhat dumb ... But I just know. :)
(I am a stubborn person ok. When I make up my mind about someone, despite how much I know him and how long we've known each other, it hardly changes. A lot of people didn't like Jaclyn over the years, but I still stuck with her! Wtf x 2)
So there was a time, with soft music playing in the background and cool breeze caressing our faces ... him, animatedly telling me about his past ... me interrupting and smiling, this Person pulled me closer and held me in his arms for some time, before leaning in and kissing me softly. It was all awfully romantic and was like a scene from a movie, if not for the fact that it was the "wrong" person. Wrong time. Wrong place. We were even kind of tipsy. Wrong, wrong, wrong ...
But in the midst of all the wrongness, something felt right. It was a horrible decision on my part ... but in the middle of all the heartbreak and everything, this Person who was all-wrong, a person who I was incredibly fond of, made me feel hopeful again. That I could love again, feel loved again.
When I pulled away, a thousand things buzzed through my head at the same time. It was all incredibly awkward ... What am I supposed to say? "Sorry"? "Hahaha good kisser, you! Hahaha!"? "Hoho that proved that we should totally start dating for real so I don't come off as a cheap slut wahaha!"?
Instead, I gazed into his eyes, pulled him closer, and held him for a long time. "Thanks ...", I whispered into his ear, before burying my face in his neck to hold back my tears. Despite the both of us being major jerks most of the time (I admit! T.T), at that moment, we were just two human beings. Flawed. He was being a ... guy. And I was being a vulnerable girl who needed someone to hold her and tell her everything's gonna be okay.
I don't know how to ever speak to this person again. But he taught me a few things: 1) Never judge a book by its cover, 2) It isn't generally smart to try to be friends with someone you're physically attracted to, and especially so if the feeling's mutual, and 3) Alcohol is bad.
But I do know this: in that moment, I felt like I really loved him. Though it wasn't true, nor was it the kind of love I felt with *him*. It just scares me, 'cause I can really love people very easily, when I open up and let them in.
And people usually leave. Always leave.
So I was blog-hopping just now, and I came across this blog of a guy, who wrote everything I've always wanted to write. Everything he said were exact replicas of my feelings, it was almost freaky. I was engrossed, captured and awed. How could someone who felt everything I felt, and wrote it so much more eloquently than I ever would even exist?!
It's not possible, I thought. How could this person be a stranger! And for a moment, reading a blog of someone I do not know, reading the thoughts of someone I'll never meet ...... I feel like I could almost fall in love with this stranger.
And this is why I should stop blogging and reading blogs. =) It makes me weirder than I already am. But the thought of me reading my blog ten years later keeps me from deleting it ... I just know that ten years later, I'll be reading this post, and laughing at how immature and childish I was. :D
My blog is just a story of my life. It's the autobiography that I'll never get to write. Everything I write here is just an example of how flawed I really am, but it's honest. O.o'' Though nobody would care if I bullshit all the time or something, I think ...
Labels: personal
