Thursday, January 18, 2007 || feeling empty
- I've been on a frenzied quest to fill up all of my days. And it's been working pretty well - I've been busy. Busier than ever.
It's like this. I'm desperately doing everything that I can - following John to his church, seeking whatever opportunity to drink, movie marathons with Andrew and Veen, etc - all to avoid being at home alone. For some weird reason, I just don't want to stay alone in my room, doing nothing ... And I'm doing everything I can to avoid it.
'Cos when you're alone, lying in your bed, you tend to think a lot. And for now, I don't like thinking, 'cos I inevitably end up thinking of the person I am. And the person I am becoming. Frankly, not really sure if I still like that person.
It's kinda depressing. So much that I sometimes purposely think of him or something, to take my mind off the more important issue - Me.
(Am fervently blogging now 'cuz I didn't fill up tonight's time slot with anything unnecessary to do)
I can genuinely say that I've never really felt this way before. I mean ... I've always been kind of sure of who I am, who I want to be, and for most of my life, I've succeeded at being the person that I expect myself to be. But now ... where am I? What am I doing? Who the fuck really am I?
If I was a guy, I'd definitely be some kinda bastard player. I want kisses. I need intimacy. I don't need some insecure fucked up person who makes me fall in love and then fucks up my life.
I just want to be in control ... yet sometimes, feel like I belong somewhere. No matter how fleeting the moment is.
But ME, being a girl, can't do that. Bloody unfair huh? A guy's a player and he's a god, a girl's a player - she's a slut. It's SO sad that if I told everyone that I'm a virgin - 80% would spit and laugh. Whereas there are girls who look more innocent than me who are fucking around, and nobody gives them the hard time of having a bad reputation.
Am actually kinda pissed off at how unfair the world is right now. I'm just SO afraid that I'll someday become someone that I don't recognize anymore. Someone who treats other people like dirt in order to protect herself? Someone who'll manipulate her way to the top? Someone who sleeps around?
I do doubt that I'll ever sleep around or simply lose my virginity. Not because of religious reasons. Not because I'm saving myself for my husband yada yada ...
But mainly because I don't think I could ever stand the potential feeling of being used. Unless *I* was the one who raped the guy and used him, not the other way around, but that obviously is highly unlikely.
Which is why I think that God planned for me to be female. If I was a guy ... I'd be an asshole. 'Cuz I've been hurt before, am currenly relationship phobic, very cynical, and people are just not worth hurting over.
It's kinda sad that no matter how busy or fun my day was ... I always end up lying in bed feeling kind of empty. Like I have no idea where all the time went.
Damn, I need hugs. I need kisses. I wanna nuzzle into someone's neck and have him tell me that everything will be okay.
But no more wishful dreaming ay. Must stay away from boys. Must not repeat mistakes.
But actually, I do know what will make me feel contented. For now. An hour-long bath, and then ice-cream in my bed, while watching The Break Up. Ah ... thank God for the small, uncomplicated things in life.
Labels: personal
