Wednesday, December 13, 2006 || Vows broken, lessons learnt
- So just now, Jaclyn and I were making a list of all the things we vowed we'd do, and not do in the year 2006, a list made back in the year 2005 and I barely got through SPM. It's kind of weird how much more innocent I was back then, even though it was just a year ago.
The list ... somewhat:
To remain single ...
The 2005 me was a lot more wiser, I think. I know that I'm not ready for a relationship. I know that I don't want to be emotionally tied down, cause I wouldn't have the maturity to handle it. Therefore, I actually promised myself that I would be single until I'm emotionally capable to really love, and sacrifice.
However, not that long ago, I was having "flings" with like, 3 or 4 people at the same time. I mean, I don't talk about them much, but with my best friends, I always joked that it was my "Peak Period". To be really truthful, I guess I just plainly kind of enjoyed the attention. *looks at sky*
(in my defence, fling = flirting with the guys who were interested in me, instead of immediately telling the ones that I wasn't interested in to not waste their time. I, being bored and everything, just led them on and went out with them ... *feels sorry* ... Not sex ok!)
But no, I don't really regret it. I mean, life is all about experiencing and learning, eh? But no, I wouldn't repeat a stunt like that ever again. It costed me a lot more than I bargained for ...... the one I really liked. And I was crushed. So yeah, I got what I deserved.
To find love ......
Back then, I wasn't really talking about the love between a man and a woman. I meant finding love in my family, my friends, God, and life ... O_o
But yeah, I did learn a thing or two about love this year. I'm not sure if I found love with a man, though it felt quite close to it ...
I've learnt that just because you really love someone, it doesn't mean that you will never do anything that'd hurt that person. Human nature is just hard to grasp. If someone breaks your heart, it doesn't mean that he/she doesn't love you in their own way. Cheap excuse, but I finally genuinely understand it ...
(I still wish I could say sorry. That I meant everything I said, even if my actions proved otherwise. =( )
I've learnt that there are some people in the world who don't deserve your love, or are people that you may not even know well ... but you just know that you love them. Not that kind of love, but still love nonetheless.
I got to know this Person this year, whom I still wish that I could've gotten to know better. He was braggy, sloppy and downright irresponsible. But he was one of those people that I knew that if I bothered to dig deeper, I'd find a good and worthy person.
(Actually, I felt the same thing when I first met Jaclyn. The personality similarities are so uncanny, it's almost freaky. Wtf)
And yeah, after a little effort, I did find a real person. He didn't want to be a good person, but he had a good heart. Don't ask me why I know, 'cause everything he does is just weird and somewhat dumb ... But I just know. :)
(I am a stubborn person ok. When I make up my mind about someone, despite how much I know him and how long we've known each other, it hardly changes. A lot of people didn't like Jaclyn over the years, but I still stuck with her! Wtf x 2)
So there was a time, with soft music playing in the background and cool breeze caressing our faces ... him, animatedly telling me about his past ... me interrupting and smiling, this Person pulled me closer and held me in his arms for some time, before leaning in and kissing me softly. It was all awfully romantic and was like a scene from a movie, if not for the fact that it was the "wrong" person. Wrong time. Wrong place. We were even kind of tipsy. Wrong, wrong, wrong ...
But in the midst of all the wrongness, something felt right. It was a horrible decision on my part ... but in the middle of all the heartbreak and everything, this Person who was all-wrong, a person who I was incredibly fond of, made me feel hopeful again. That I could love again, feel loved again.
When I pulled away, a thousand things buzzed through my head at the same time. It was all incredibly awkward ... What am I supposed to say? "Sorry"? "Hahaha good kisser, you! Hahaha!"? "Hoho that proved that we should totally start dating for real so I don't come off as a cheap slut wahaha!"?
Instead, I gazed into his eyes, pulled him closer, and held him for a long time. "Thanks ...", I whispered into his ear, before burying my face in his neck to hold back my tears. Despite the both of us being major jerks most of the time (I admit! T.T), at that moment, we were just two human beings. Flawed. He was being a ... guy. And I was being a vulnerable girl who needed someone to hold her and tell her everything's gonna be okay.
I don't know how to ever speak to this person again. But he taught me a few things: 1) Never judge a book by its cover, 2) It isn't generally smart to try to be friends with someone you're physically attracted to, and especially so if the feeling's mutual, and 3) Alcohol is bad.
But I do know this: in that moment, I felt like I really loved him. Though it wasn't true, nor was it the kind of love I felt with *him*. It just scares me, 'cause I can really love people very easily, when I open up and let them in.
And people usually leave. Always leave.
So I was blog-hopping just now, and I came across this blog of a guy, who wrote everything I've always wanted to write. Everything he said were exact replicas of my feelings, it was almost freaky. I was engrossed, captured and awed. How could someone who felt everything I felt, and wrote it so much more eloquently than I ever would even exist?!
It's not possible, I thought. How could this person be a stranger! And for a moment, reading a blog of someone I do not know, reading the thoughts of someone I'll never meet ...... I feel like I could almost fall in love with this stranger.
And this is why I should stop blogging and reading blogs. =) It makes me weirder than I already am. But the thought of me reading my blog ten years later keeps me from deleting it ... I just know that ten years later, I'll be reading this post, and laughing at how immature and childish I was. :D
My blog is just a story of my life. It's the autobiography that I'll never get to write. Everything I write here is just an example of how flawed I really am, but it's honest. O.o'' Though nobody would care if I bullshit all the time or something, I think ...
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