Wednesday, March 07, 2007 || What life -supposedly- is
- They say that life is all about risks - that you should always grasp for what you want, even if you have no idea what the outcome could be like.
But what happens when you can't?
How many rejections can you really handle, how many risks that ended up a disaster can you face? Before you finally break into a million pieces?
I've spent my whole life trying to build a 'strong' image. That I'm independant, strong-willed and that I don't give much of a shit about a lot of things and people.
Which is why it's SO hard to face the truth: that I am, probably the weakest person you'll ever meet. I don't care about what people think of me because it's easier to live with. I don't need a boyfriend because I'm afraid of crying. I'm nonchalant around my parents because sometimes they say really hurtful stuff - words I would rather wipe away than to take into consideration.
They also say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. That phrase is merely an antidote to subdue the pain of rejection and disappointment, isn't it? How could pain make you stronger? If a man takes a bullet for the first time and the wound heals with time ... would taking another bullet be any less painful?
I have so much love in me to give. I have so much to offer to the world, I really think I do. But this vulnerability in me will hold me back from so many good, maybe great things. And probably it already has.
I feel quite incomplete. What can cure this? Does anybody else ever feel this way, or am I the only one? Like you can't really point out what's wrong in your life ... everything is normal, yet a dull ache remains in your heart. An ache that feels a lot like loneliness, but not quite. You call up your friend, go out for chat fests, you feel exhilirated and happy ... but when you're alone again - oh, there it is. It's very intense, very indescribable.
And it also makes you wonder ... why?
No, really. Why? Enlighten me. What is life supposed to be like?
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