Tuesday, February 27, 2007 || Routine, routine
- Life has finally slipped into an oddly comfortable routine. Talking rubbish with my friends everyday, influencing whoever who would listen to start listening to indon music (Radja! Once Dewa! Ada Band!!), cracking lame jokes at every opportunity, all while waiting for that pot of gold to drop from the sky to ease all my pain. :D
I've also been stoning at the computer, wondering what TV show/movie to watch, while feeling depressed that I'm still not doing anything about a new blog layout.
Been having fun hurling funny insults at John as well. *big grin*
me: "Andrew ... is a white giraffe!"
everybody: "... and?"
me: "John ... is a BLACK HIPPOPOTAMUS! HAHAHA!!!"
....... Ok lah it was actually very funny in real life! Everybody laughed! Believe me. =D
I like the pace of my life right now. Everything feels ... simple. Uncomplicated and nice. It kind of reminds me of thoes prehistorical days when everybody have not discovered the opposite sex yet, and I was busy cracking my lame jokes in random mamak stalls with people I love.
Monday, February 26, 2007 || Songs
- Okay I am in a blogging mood. And obviously, I haven't gotten to my blog's so-called makeover yet ... so my posts will still be as boring as ever until I see something other than this boring brown self-indulgent layout.
Hmm ... so I shall blog about songs! Songs that remind me of people or certain memorable instances in my life. =D
They may not necessarily be great songs, just songs that make me smile. Or feel the teardrop trickle out of the corner of my eye.
Westlife - Flying without wings
Pui Yee, Jaclyn and I ... back when we were 13, we watched this MTV on TV. I immediately found the love of my life in Mark Feehily, who just so happens to be gay as I found out much later. We painfully listened to the song over and over again to write down the lyrics ... over a lot of squealing, laughter and good fun.
Innuendo - Belaian Jiwa
Him singing this song to me, with a guitar, under twinkling starlights ... his voice wasn't amazing. But the moment was perfect. Absolutely perfect.
Elvis Presley - Trouble
Christine, Cally, Jaclyn and I + a video camera. Heehee ... 'nuff said. Oddly enough, I don't exactly feel super malu when I rewatch it. :D
Bread - If
I was sitting alone in my room. As this song played and I listened to it for the first time ... I remember thinking, okay, why does love like this seem to not exist anymore? I looked out the window, sighed, and vowed that I'll find that kind of love.
Gabrielle - Out of Reach
Was going through a pretty tough time ... went to my friend's house, only to have her play this song over and over again in her comp. -___- I felt incredibly tulan and I smacked her. For rubbing my wounds with salt. Pfft! Then we hugged and laughed it off. Friends are the best!
Bob Sinclair - Rock this party
Hot russian guy asked me to dance when this song played. I didn't think he was hot at all ... though I did oblige with the dance.
Second time I met him ... Wow. Very gorgeous.
Damn I need more songs to listen to! Though I have like ... *checks* 1788 songs in my song library. O___o
Am currently listening to Papa Roach's Last Resort and wondering why the world can be such a horrible place at times. Wtf. I think I need to do something about my musical taste ...
Sunday, February 25, 2007 || T_____T
- I can't believe it.
I can't.
I ...
I CRIED WHILE WATCHING THE OC. (?!?!?!)
WTF! The OC Season 4's Valentines episode was sooooo sweet that I had tears trickling down my cheeks by the time it ended. =((((((((
I don't really understand leh. I almost *never* cry at all in real life ... even if I fight with my parents, fall for the wrong guy, fight with best friends. But I keep on crying so easily whenever I watch emo movies, read touching stories, or even listen to emo songs. T_____T
In real life, I just keep on feeling that crying makes me weaker than I should be. I mean, considering how many people are starving/dying in the world... my petty problems are not supposed to be tough for me to get through.
You know, one of the reasons why I'm still somewhat happily single and not jumping on the rebound/who-moves-on-faster bandwagon ... the reason why it takes me 4 months to get over a guy I briefly dated and 2 months to actually really be ready to move on (yet I'm still not moving on, hoho) ...
Real love, true love ... the kind of love and emotions that I want to feel ... Is so hard to feel and even harder to find. I will never settle for anything less. The kind of love that makes you want to sacrifice. Makes you want him to be happy - and his happiness, no matter how much it takes out of you - makes you happy.
Everything else that comes in between - dates, flings, whatever - are just there to consume my time. Until I really find it.
And honestly, until then, I really don't care if I'm alone. I don't think I could ever give my heart to anyone just because I can't stand being alone. Even though sometimes I do hate it. Being alone.
Saturday, February 24, 2007 || Eliza Lee = quitter?
- I am feeling extremely annoyed at myself at the moment.
I feel like I'm such a bigass quitter. I gave up almost everything I've ever pursued in my life ... or lost interest in it within a pretty short period of time. It always happens.
It happens all the time ... with sports, hobbies ... guys, even. =_='' I always butt headlong into something that I'm interested in ... only to lose interest in it after awhile.
Ish ish ... I can't be a quitter anymore. I swear I won't quit my studies and I hereby solemnly promise myself that I'm never giving up my dreams - for anything. I MUST CHANGE!
No more quitting. No more bad tempers. (I'm VERY easy to piss off, which would usually cause me to say shit I don't mean ... but I forgive/forget pretty fast also... is that bad? O.o)
Ok so I shall make a new layout for my blog. =D It totally needs a makeover, or I KNOW that I'll give up on it also. Hmm ... *seeks inspiration*
And I also need a new hair color. I'm bored of my undyed black hair. Hahahaha okay so some things never do change. I foresee myself bitching about my hair five years down the lane, only to not do anything about it anyway.
Sunday, February 18, 2007 || OMG what happened!?
- Jaclyn is back for the CNY holidays ... and I just spent the afternoon hanging out with her. O.o
But before that, can you believe it that I went to a lesbian bar yesterday? OMG! Let's just say I'm still 90% straight and 10% bisexual. O___O
I was REALLY looking forward to seeing my best friend again. You have no idea how much I missed her, especially during January. We were always soooo close ... and I mean really close, even for typical best friend standards. Everybody who were our friends knew how close we were, and rarely you'd see one of us without the other.
But when I met her today, it was ... weird. It was like I was meeting a stranger. I had no clue who she was talking about, and she was uninterested in what I've been up to for the past two months. And yeah ... things HAVE changed a lot, for me even. Got closer to new friends, made new hobbies.
Where's my best friend?! Who's this malay Hanna kuantan girl? Who's Ami from Sabah?! Why don't I know all of them? Why am I not interested in knowing?
Gosh ... it's really weird. To know someone SO much, and in just two months, things have changed so much that we don't read each others' minds anymore, nor do we have the same interests or same new friends. She was practically my soulmate. O.o''
I don't believe in LDR ... at least not for someone like me. Or jaclyn. We need to constantly spend time with people in order to be close to them ... when we're adapted to new surroundings and a new life, we easily forget the old, stable one.
Damn weird lah. I think that when she comes back for good in March, we'll probably become super close again ... but, I dunno. How do you blend different friends together?
Eeeek. I still can't get over how weird the afternoon was. Jaclyn was speaking malay and telling me about her malay gang ... O.o while I was acting totally cheerful and telling her about my fucked up life in a much better light.
Ok lah my life is actually pretty fun. I just have spells when I feel so lonely, out of the blue. Maybe its PMS ... And suddenly feeling awkward around your best friend is just, well, wrong. =.=
Happy CNY. I don't feel so happy about it ... but okay. At least got angpao!
Saturday, February 17, 2007 || a FRESH start
- It has just occured to me that a blog would be absolutely pointless if it isn't interesting. I mean, interesting enough for friends and whoever that's interested, anyway.
OMG what happened lah. My blog is currently like a piece of thousand year old turd. I miss the times when I was happier and it showed in my posts.
I need a fresh start lah. A new url? A new template? A domain maybe?
And not everything is about my blog, cause it will be one of many fresh starts. I can't stand the endless fooling around anymore. I want to be happy again. I can't continue drowning my so-called misery in weird shits anymore.
I mean ... Gah. Everything's just super confusing. All I know is that I miss him. Cause he made me feel safe ... fleeting or not.
But like I said, none of this is helping me. I need a fresh start. To start anew. To tear away a page, a chapter of my life, and continue penning down my story. Of course, a better one.
I swear I'll be back. Feeling fresh. And untarnished.
Thursday, February 15, 2007 || Answers
- .:. Valentines day was pretty ... nice. I opted to spend the whole day with a bunch of close single friends - all of us in the somewhat same position. Movie during the day, party at friend's place in the evening, then Bangsar. Bangsar pretty much sucked, but the company made up for it a bit.
.:. We all ended up emo-ing like shit in Bangsar's 24-hr McD at 2 a.m. I was really emo 'cause I had nothing to emo about. Everybody was emoing about the people they miss, but I was busy cracking my head wondering who to miss. It's a rather weird feeling, I tell you.
Honestly? Even if I do miss anyone, I just miss them for the feelings they made me feel. Not really them them. I miss "A" for his company and lame jokes. I miss "B" for having so damn much vision in life. I miss "C" for being uncomplicated and a cute fling.
.:. In my so-called quest to find myself, I've done a LOT of crappy things. It's really hard to explain, but I feel that in life, you're just meant to be ... somebody. Good or bad. You have to make the choice yourself. I never really knew what kind of person I'm supposed to be.
Smoked? Breath damn stinky. Overrated.
Told endless lies to get out of shit? Guilt.
Got pissed drunk? Felt like CRAP the next day.
Made out with people I'm not supposed to? ... Guilt. Big big guilt. And feeling shittier ten times over after that.
----
Came home from Bangsar feeling uber emo. But I came home to a very happy Fifi waiting for me at the door.
And I found roasted chestnuts - I LOVE chestnuts - packed up for me on my bed. Though I didn't eat it coz I felt guilty for eating McDs so late at night. So nice of my dad/mum.
I love my parents lah. It just hit me how much I love them. They trust me enough to let me make my own decisions in life.
I found the answer I've been looking for. I'm not a bad person.
Since the parentals have given me so much space to explore my boundaries, make mistakes, and find out who I really am ... I've made my decision. I want something more significant. I think that this is the right choice.
Labels: personal
Wednesday, February 14, 2007 || V-day, D-day.
- Hello my sweet fellow earthlings.
I am fortunately still very much alive. Extremely busy for the past few days due to the horrible invention of mankind - assignments - but I'm coping. A lot of weight is finally off my shoulders, so there we go - first sem ever that I'm not bitching about assignments and uncapable group members in my blog! =D
Oh yah, tomorrow is Valentines day. I hope you doting lovebirds are happy. *sarcastic*
Don't mind me. Just the usual case of sour grapes. Hehehe
WHY IS IT that every year, during Valentines day, I'm always not dating anyone at the moment - and even worse - am not even interested in anybody?!
It's damn sad okay. I was looking through my phone contact list, trying to figure if there was anybody I wanna sincerely wish Happy Valentines day to and maybe hook up for the day --- and tada! - nobody in mind. =.=''
I haven't liked anyone in months. This sounds super despo and crazy, but I almost need to like someone. I miss the whole butterflies in your stomach ... anticipating phone calls/smses ... shy smiles ...... thing. Without it life is very smooth-sailing but really, it has no spice at all and is just ... blah.
*tears mum's flowers apart*
So, a digression is an absolute must before I end up ranting about my pathetic love life. Pictures!
Monday was super stressful 'cause it was the day of our english play AND also the deadline for another of our assignments. I had like, zero sleep. =.=
I caught John secretly applying on make-up and I quickly took a pic for evidence! LOL
lazy to upload already. =.=
OKAY back to my complaints about Valentines day. =( So I actually had people who asked me out, but I turned everybody down despite having no other plans otherwise.
Coz you see, I just think that I have two options for all Valentines day:
1) Spend it with somebody you really like
2) Spend it with good single friends!
Last year, I spent it with my best friends coz I didn't have anybody in mind. This year, I think I'll just end up doing the same again ... *BIG sigh* O.o
Hehe I guess I'll stop being such a sore loser. Gonna go continue watching Heroes now. (did I mention how much it ROCKS?!?! The hype wasn't for nothing! It's seriously bloody good.)
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY YA'LL! Hope you'll have a good one with your loved one. ;)
Labels: Miscellaneous, pictures
Saturday, February 10, 2007 || Pointless pics
- After working out yesterday, my bones are aching all over today. =.='' It can only mean that I've slacked for way toooo long.
And I've been eating like a cow today. OMG why lah
Okok no more weight woes. :D
For my english 102 class, my group was supposed to perform our Shakesphere play today (it was one of our assignments), but we didn't due to ... unforeseen circumstances.
My lecturer wants to deduct 5 marks from us when we perform it on Monday. =(( OMG how can! What will happen to my (potential) 4.0?!
So in order to *ahem* effectively kiss her ass, we didn't leave the class at all during break time to prove our seriousness in ... studying.
Don't ask me why but we ended up camwhoring. Wahaha!
Of course, some of the pictures are pretty fugly. On purpose yo! :D Sporting, kan?
Haha John (left) looks spastic! :P
Trying to kiss our lecturer's ass and berbodek-bodek, we asked her to camwhore with us. LOL wtf
How to be good students and get on the lecturer's good side.
And this is easily the most retarded-looking picture of me:
Get the whole so-called class to act retarded together, and you get this:
wtf why my butt so big in this pic
I'm acting as Helena of the Midsummer Nights dream. She is totally THE opposite of me, coz she gets rejected by Demetrius like, a thousand times, and she still clings to him and never gives up!
Seriously, if I "pursued" a guy and if he so much as gave me an annoyed glance, I'd freaking run away already. =/
Monday, February 05, 2007 || Oh the pain
- *edited*
My life has been significantly a lot more interesting than how it used to be ... but it's pretty weird that the more that happens, the less I want to blog about it. O____o It's like I can't find the words to describe my days anymore
But. No words can describe how I feel right now.
I dropped a RM50 note somewhere.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@#@$#@$%#$@%#$@$#^%$#$
Nothing you or I have to say will ever subdue the pain ... this dull ache in my heart. =(
And really. I had a really really depressing day. Something ... happened. I don't want to talk about it, but you can ask me about it in MSN or call me if you want, coz I obviously have no money to go out either. :'(
*wipes tear* I'm eating cup maggi at home.
*scurries off to a dark corner and continues crying*
Edited:
Okay enough depressing stuff.
His name is Jerry. Isn't he soooooo cute?
OMG SO KAWAII!
*looks at Fifi* ... meh.
Labels: personal
