Tuesday, November 28, 2006 || Mr "Emotionally Unavailable"
A little less than a year ago, back when I was still busy traffic whoring and living a very mundane life, I met a very fascinating person.
He is one of those people that I can barely describe. Everytime I try, I'm at a loss for words. He had the recklessness of a wild stallion, a cocky grin that was always a half-smirk yet shone with genuinity, and the sense of humour of Homer Simpson's. (Haha wtf, stupid metaphor.)
I thought he was perfect. He was witty, unintentionally funny, and really warm when he wanted to be. What intrigued me the most about him was his unbelievably carefree nature. It was like nothing in the world bothered him, and he seemed to breeze through life with ease ...
But as I dug deeper into knowing this fascinating person, I soon found him to be one of those Emotionally Unavailable people. You know, the people who have a commitment phobia. People who are so afraid of letting people into their lives, they push the people who care about them away. People who screw things up, like men who cheat on their wives whom they love, because they seem to have this ability to hurt ... and also hurt themselves.
Emotionally Unavailable people are happier off alone, as the thought of having "burdens" in their lives scares them. Having people who genuinely care about them is intimidating, for they always feel like they'll somehow always end up hurting them.
Mr EU was such a person. Behind all his reckless, carefree partying ways, there was a person ... A person he didn't seem to want the world to see. Sometimes when we were alone, he'd let me catch a glimpse of the person that he really is. And sometimes, when he realized that he'd revealed too much, he'd push me away.
He did not hesitate in fervently warning me that he'll definitely end up hurting me. "Look, I'm a total bastard when it comes to girls, I just really don't want you do ever get hurt by me. You won't understand this now but you will someday.", he told me. But somehow, I saw something in him that I believed in.
I see myself in him. The same "I don't give a fuck" exterior, the same committment phobia, the same tendencies to hurt the people we love the most, and the same way we both felt scared to reveal our real selves to the world. But one thing that differentiated us was that he was absolutely comfortable in remaining exactly the way he was. Mr EU had no aspirations, no dreams, no burning desire to be a great person. I was always kind of screwed up, but I never denied the possibility that I could, maybe, someday be a Somebody.
It's kind of hard to explain, but we were never comfortable around each other whenever there were other people around. It was as though we wanted to hide each other from the world as much as possible. Like a secret fetish, or a forbidden affair.
Anyway, I played a lot of "hot and cold" games with Mr EU, pushed him away and pulled him back in, until I got tired. We both have the same problem with love, so why can't we try to work it through, together, right? I broke my own rule and tried to let him into the doorways of my heart. But he always hesitated, took slow steps, and stopped whenever he was about to step right in.
And he still kept on pushing me away with his wild ways and cold exterior. Just like he warned me, he hurt me. I turned around and finally walked away.
But something in me twitched, and I turned around to look at him again. One last time. And I saw something in his eyes ... pain, maybe. The "I'm sorry" that his eyes revealed but his lips couldn't open to say.
"You know what? You are a bastard. Just like you said. But I still think that you're a good person.", I told Mr EU with a rueful smile, before really turning around and walking away.
There are just some people in the world who do the shittiest things ever ... but you know that they're good people with good hearts and the inability to make the right decisions. You just know. That night, I wrote in my diary, 'I swear, I'll someday finish what I started with you. This chapter is not closed. Not yet.'
I have not spoken to Mr EU ever since the last we talked. But a few months ago, I met another person who REALLY reminds me of him. The same carefree spirit, irresponsible devil-may-care nature, and even the somewhat same cocky half-smirk grin. But this second person was more shy, less sure of himself, and had an oddly cute vulnerable side he barely revealed. I was instantly intrigued by him, and I'll call him Mr Vodka. (haha wtf!)
Just like Mr EU, we never felt comfortable around each other when other friends or people were around us. When we were alone, we were like two absolutely different people who talked about everything and made each other laugh. He was my secret fetish ... something I genuinely liked, but not something I'd happily reveal to the world with glee.
Anyway, this is not a mushy love story. Mr Vodka was also Emotionally Unavailable, just like Mr Eu and me. We liked each other, but not exactly enough to start anything substantial, and I liked someone else more. He was a good person who screwed everything up, and from experience, I already knew that he'll unintentionally end up screwing up my life too. But still, a good person.
You see, I was just wondering, was everything I "started" with Mr Vodka a way of me "finishing what I started" with Mr EU? Will this be a continuous pattern of me being attracted to Emotionally Unavailable men, on a quest of trying to prove the Impossible, that Emotionally Unavailable people could change?
Today, I was at the shopping mall where coincidentially, Mr EU and Mr Vodka have hung out with me before. Going through a rack of men's shirts that were on a huge discount, I noticed this guy who REALLY looked like the cross between Mr EU and Mr Vodka. He had the same racial ambiguity they both have, Mr EU's hair and eyes, and Mr Vodka's bone structure. =D
We somehow started making small talk about how insanely cheap the clothes were. He even had the same easy-going laugh! But before we could talk about anything normal, my uncle, aunt and three young cousins hopped into the shop and embarrassed me beyond belief by mistaking him for a salesman.
We both exchanged embarrassed smiles and goodbyes, and I quickly hurried out of the shop, while dragging my cousins along with me. -_- We didn't even exchange names. No chance for me to ever find out if he's one of emotionally unavailable ones or not.
Hehe, it must've been a sign. A sign from above that goes, 'Eliza, wake the fuck up and stop trying to finish what you supposedly started. The Chapter's finally closed.'
Instead of trying to change an Emotionally Unavailable man, I really should just concentrate on changing myself. After all, I'm one of them too, eh?
Phat Culture had a nightmare at 4:00 PM
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