Saturday, August 19, 2006 || Sorry seems to be the hardest word
- Yesterday, somebody told me that he's in love with me. (And no, it's not the same person who gave me the cute goodie bag, this happened after the goodie bag incident at night after I blogged)
Which sort of left me dumbstruck and at a loss for words, cause love is such a strong word, you know ... ?
How could someone who barely knows me claim he's in love with me? Oh, so are the few times we hung out enough for me to capture his heart with my er, biting wit?
I actually don't think so.
I am pretty uncertain and insecure about stuff like this. I just can't help it - that's just the way I am. The first thing that popped up into my mind, since I didn't believe for a second that he may be telling the truth, was that perhaps his friends dared him to do it. Or something really mean like that.
... Which would absolutely crush my pride, if I'd really believed him.
So I let my defences kick in. I pretty much teased him, forced him to admit his love and admiration for me a couple of times more than I needed to hear, made a huge joke about it, and just told him "Haha sorry you're too horny when you're with your friends and I can't stand it yo" after all the fuss.
... I couldn't care less. In my eyes, I was the "winner" of it all, so to speak. I didn't get rejected, and if he was fooling around, he failed. It was a win-win situation for me.
Then my conscience (damn you! :( ) kicked in and nagging thoughts of how mean and bitchy I was came pouring in. God, girl, even if he WAS merely fucking around, why the hell did you have to stoop as low to his level? Wasn't he at least a normal friend, once? Do friends treat each other like unwanted poop?!
I can't help it when I'm being a bitch. It just always seemed like the easiest way out ... and I naively used to think that I could get away with almost everything. But yeah, it turns out that I could get away from everything --- except myself.
Feeling guilty yet still rather suspicious, I reached for my phone and sent him a friendly message. You know, just trying to pretend that yesterday never happened and that we were still friends and all.
He didn't reply me. :(
I guess it must be either the fact that he's extremely mad at me and never wants to be associated with me again, ever ... or err, I dunno. Maybe he got bored and gave up wasting time on 'that bitch'. Or whatever.
There is a really really strong voice ringing in my head, telling me that I should just apologize to him. I'm sorry, Can't we just be platonic friends?
I'm sorry, maybe I was a bitch, are you really angry or merely out of credit?
Or I'm sorry, I thought you were fucking around with me. You know I hate being taken for granted. But maybe I said stuff I shouldn't have too ... Forgive me? Friends?
But of course, my pride is holding me back, as usual. I feel so guilty at my attitude problem, yet so intensely relieved that there's one less drama in my life. And there is also that foreboding feeling in the air that makes me feel so uncertain.
But to that person, I don't think you'd ever read this, and sadly, being the cynic that I am, I still don't quite believe you give a shit ...... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
