Sunday, November 20, 2005 || Liz is pissed. Expect earthquakes. Or the sky to drop.
- In a HUGE contrast to the lovely mood that I was in yesterday, I'm in a horrible mood today. Horrible as in, psychopath-maniac level pissed.
So if you're easily offended ... Leave lah. I actually wanted to password protect this post, but I can't seem to do so. Ergh, whatever.
So I woke up today feeling pretty rejuvenated and refreshed. Then my dad had to pick a fight with me. Over what, I shan't speak of it. But to cut things short, there were a lot of yellings, accusations and even, heck, my stupid tears.
One thing about girls, they always cry. I guess I'm no exception, despite how much I try to count on being SILENT during fights. Which, I find it to be the best way to infuriate your 'opponent', by the way. Cause if somebody intentionally wants to piss you off, the best way is to offer them the utmost OPPOSITE effect that they're expecting. It will undoubtedly piss them off even more. Heh.
Anyway, I know that as a dutiful, good girl, I'm not supposed to speak badly of my birth parents. But screw that. I'm pissed. And when I'm pissed, morality does not exist in my vocabulary, and I can be as vicious as I want to be.
I do admit that they're pretty good parents. And that I know that they love me a lot. But they never believe in me, EVER. I have even sort of jumped to a conclusion that no matter what I do, and how much I excell, they will just simply fail to notice me, for, well, me. They'll still continue deluding themselves that I'm the pathetic, talentless, unplanned younger sibling of my supposedly amazing older sister.
I hate nothing more than not having the people I love appreciate me. I did everything I could, or so I thought. I studied like HELL, even though I hated it, and cried myself to my sleep every night when I was in form one and two, because I thought that it'd make them proud. Yeah, sure, they'd smile and pat my back when I showed them my As, but there'd still be the constant 'When Elaine was your age, she was already working in Hilton as a waitress to support her own living ...'.
So I rebelled. I stopped studying for the sake of pleasing them, and to save myself from going possibly insane.
... And they still don't react any differently towards me. Heh.
So what are they trying to prove now, by showing that they care now, after all those years? Telling me at this VERY LAST MINUTE that I need to obtain straight As and get a scholarship, or start working immediately after SPM is so low.
And when I said, "Don't worry. The day will come when I'll repay you every single cent that you've spent on me in this lifetime."
Which, was really rude, I'll admit. But people don't think when they're riding on andrenaline and anger.
He replied, "You can't. I don't even EXPECT you to. You're not like your sister."
I really am disappointed. Disappointed how some people in this world EXPECT me to be a certain way to be accepted. Disappointed that I can't even live a life I want to live, without being judged and critisized by holier-than-thou dolts. Disappointed that even people that I DO NOT KNOW and do not, in any way, give a damn about, are interested in physically harming me.
The stupid, weak girl that I am.
I never expected world peace. Life is more interesting when its conflict-driven. But I'm not out to hurt anybody, my parents and you inclusive. Even if you've hurt me. I still hang on this tiny thread of hope that one day, I'll be able to be myself, and for once in my life, be accepted for who I am.
But, for now, that isn't going to happen.
I will NEVER be as socialble, daring nor as courageous as my sister. So she had the guts to work for the money she wanted, to buy the cigs and beer she wanted. So she's impulsive and reckless, ready to take on the world with her sharp tongue, should anybody look down on her.
And yes, I will never be as immensely likeable and appealing as other bloggers. Sad to say, unlike Swifty, I doubt that I'll be able to totally disconnect myself emotionally from my blog and only focus on appealing topics to garner more traffic. No, sad to say, the sad lives of other people are not my concern. Unless I intend to exploit them, for whatever reason my mind brews up.
I'm only interested in being ME. I only like seeing -MY- face on my blog. Other people, unless they are people I actually care for, like my friends, are not my priorities to please in life.
God, I was so damn pissed at everything today, with my problems with Suet Foong, my loving parents and everything else, that when my poodle jumped up the chair and sniffed my tuition teacher's crotch, I didn't even laugh.
I only smirked.
But, I guess, somewhere along the way, while writing this post, my anger has dimished ...... a bit. I've always been aware that I'm not particularly talented at writing, and that most of my stories are only so-so at its best, but it is truly my biggest love and solace in life. That's why I have always wanted to be a journalist. Not the gossip-mag type, but one that'd be able to change lives with the words that I'd pen down. The way I feel a sense of happiness when I read a good article that speaks to me, heh.
But the way people are being so malicious nowadays, I really feel tempted to set my sights on different goals altogether.
The power of the press. That's real power. Though not so much in Malaysia, since freedom of speech isn't a big thing here. Heh.
But no, I guess I shouldn't focus on destroying the lives of delinquents. As stupid as it sounds, I still think that I'm a pretty good person. I wouldn't go all out to hurt someone, for whatever reason that is. I doubt that I'll obtain much satisfaction in seeing already-lifeless people crumble, anyway.
Don't know what I'm speaking about? Frankly, I don't know, nor do I care either.
Sigh. *sniff*
Edited: On a MUCH lighter note, I finally read my school mag, after so many days. And I'm happy to see that the class page I did was the best among the bunch. ^_^
Whee ~ I did everything, okay. Well, only the designs, the photography and 50% of the captions. But still!
Well, at least that's the one good thing that happened today. Heh. My friends are trying to get tickets for Harry Potter tomorrow, and I guess that'll cheer me up as well.
