Thursday, November 16, 2006 || True love
- I am one of those people who believes that true love exists, even in today's world of threesomes, hardcore pornography, and infidelity.
I've always believed that when a man and a woman really love each other, the world would be a beautiful place; a place where only the two of them existed. A world where pleasure and love co-exist, an amazing world with only two inhabitants, a world when each other is everything they'd ever need.
I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. This is kind of weird coming from me, because I always tend to screw things up with guys that I'm dating or getting to know. The truth is, I'm scared.
I don't ever want to be hurt. Which kind of ends up hurting me even more, but at least my pride is saved. I call the shots; I hold the key ... If anything, I ended a potential disaster, not the other way around. If a guy ever made me vulnerable, made me love him ... and dumped me, that will definitely kill my ego.
I want to be able to stand on my own, you know, to not be so caught up in lust and getting myself tangled with a string of random guys I'll never remember. I want to believe that somewhere out there, there is a guy, one man that I'm destined to be with. I want to know that I'm strong enough to survive on my own, to wait for the day he magically appears in my life.
I want to believe in love. True love. A kind of love that ignites lust, and not the other way around like how it usually is. Something different, that makes us feel like our bodies are not merely sexual objects like all the shit that's on MTV. That for once in our lives, our bodies were merely created for each other, and only each other.
But I feel so weathered, weary and cynical now. Honestly, why do I even feel this way? Heck, I'm only 18 - not very "mature" in the world of dating. There was a time when I'd feel kind of flattered whenever a guy hits on me, but now whenever it happens, I just feel like heaving a bigass sigh and curtly telling the guy to stop playing his mindfucking games with me. I just don't buy it anymore.
This is a post that reeks of confusion. I don't even know what exactly am I writing about.
You know the intense surge of feeling when you feel something so physical about a guy/girl? Sometimes, it's not even physical attraction. It's inexplicable, how some people could make you feel a different kind of high, while others can't. Yet you know that the high you feel is not love.
It's physical.
You probably don't care to know about his/her family, his deepest darkest secrets, and heck, you might not even give a shit if he had 20 ex girlfriends or a S&M fetish. You just don't really feel the need to know, because it doesn't matter. He or she makes you feel like you're on cloud nine, just by smiling at you, a deep laugh, a gentle caress.
It's inexplicable. It's not love. It's probably lust. But it still is a connection. He or she makes you feel like not giving a fuck about moral values, and makes you feel like dropping your naive belief in soulmates. You just want to leave all your worries, responsibilities, and the people you really love behind and drown in his or her touches.
Magic ... it almost feels like it, how the weight on your shoulders suddenly feels lighter. But not quite it, because nothing about it feels magical.
For some of us, the ones that are less lucky in love, why don't we just screw our beliefs, fling away the memories of the one we truly love, and opt for what's possible and dangling in front of our own eyes? A personal drug to miraculously wipe away our problems.
What really scares me is that the "personal drug" just makes you feel so good, even before you've had a real taste of it. It could be addictive. It could maybe even suck. It could be sold at a higher price than what I'm willing to pay.
Yet I couldn't stop myself from reaching for it, and taking just a small sip of it. It wasn't love. The world did not become a more beautiful place. And I realized that all the while, I didn't even know what the drug was made of.
It's just a freaking drug. The connection felt so good, life felt so high ... but love must be more than that. It must.
