Let's get down to business

Thursday, September 29, 2005 || Pfft.

friggin' weird day

Friend: Oi. You really didn't curse for two days already?

Me: Yah. Is that so hard to believe? Ish ...

Friend: Wah. No wonder you got fatter. You know, no tension release ... can get gemuk wan. Tsk tsk.. see now what happened?

Me: I didn't get fatter .............

Friend: Yes you DID! Aiyoh, later no guys want, how? Dahlah your taste so weird and all ...

Me: WHAT WEIRD?

Friend: Aiya. You know lar. Anyway, like I've always said, fat girls attract a lot of weird guys. Really.

Me: Don't tempt me ........ *tries to smile*

Friend: Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat ...... *chants*

Me: Screw you, you donkey *censored*.

la la

tripped

laugh fest

kicked her crotch

embarrassment

nil

I'm a fucking camwhore.

Sorry for the cussing, Lizzy's in a pretty bad mood. :( And yes, i'm fat. My God, I even look slutty. Now, have you ever seen a fat girl look slutty? Gah. Oh well, since my reputation has been going down the drains, since I turned myself over to the "bad side", some two years ago, I guess I really do have nothing to lose, do I? :( *blows nose*

My flu is killing me. I can't stop sneezing. And I think that if this keeps up, my bogey will be all over the comp screen. O_o Oww, I'm gross.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

My black and white baby.

This is my second boyfriend ... My baby dearest ~ For its sweet tunes actually help keep me sane. My third boyfriend's my phone, while my fourth is my camera ... (Okay, too many boyfriends lar.)

Hmm, don't have a first boyfriend though. Anybody wants to take up that slot? LOL. I'm a pimp.

Later, fellow angels. (For if you actually read my blog, and are willing to put up with my nonsense, you definitely MUST be an angel. :) )

Edit: I'll get down to Binnie's tag as soon as I can! And if I manage to dig up my old pictures, I'll scan 'em up and let you guys have a laugh fest. =)

Phat Culture had a nightmare at 6:12 PM

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 ||

Into the Blue

Robert Goddard

Balada Para Adelina

Richard Clayderman

Faces

Tantalizing shadows,

Haunt my dreams,

I toss and turn, heave a sigh,

Until the dark figures pass me by.

So many faces,

I see in me ...

Evil sneers, obscure facades,

The nightmare awakens me as the faces all fade.

Why am I drowning?

Reluctantly swimming ...

In tumultuous currents of envious waves,

I don't have the strength to live at this pace.

God in heaven, if You're here,

Utter soft whispers into my ear ...

Promise me gently, don't leave me in haste,

Tell me my life has not gone to waste.

Restore my faith, dry my tears,

The Faces are returning, resuscitating my fears,

Try as I might, I still sleep in fright.

But once upon a time, I had you by my side.

Anda telah tersesat di sebuah hutan cendawan raksasa. Hutan tersebut dipenuhi dengan pelbagai jenis cendawan. Batang cendawan ini pula berduri dari pangkal hingga ke atas. Kebanyakan cendawan ini tumbuhnya di tepi sungai yang airnya berwarna ungu kebiru-biruan.

Kacang dan huruf-huruf sedang bermain bola sepak di sebuah padang yang besar. Gunakan imaginasi anda.

~~retarded~~

Liz loves you

all

so many things to write

I miss them.

steamboat

that

now

She's on Duty, starring Kim Sun-Ah. =D

Yup, I've been dying to watch this since forever. I guess you could call me a korean freak, cause I'm extremely knowledgeable about korean movies, serials, celebrities and whatnot. I probably shouldn't have watched Winter Sonata and Autumn in My Heart when it was aired. Now I'm hooked. Argh.

*runs off to watch The OC*

Phat Culture had a nightmare at 9:43 PM

1.20 pm

~~forced~~

accounts

Caught in action, baby.

........ this.

And yes, there are times when she deliberately dresses like a guy, just for the sake of it. And yes, she's stealing a pic of Amber Chia, again. (-_- stalker ...) And no, she isn't a lesbo. You know, I believe that all bookstores and magazine vendors should tighten their securities so that horny people like Jaclyn wouldn't be able to snap pictures of gorgeous babes with their phones.

Thank God we don't have playboy. O_o

Anyway, we've decided to buy at least three pairs of THIS shirt, for our upcoming Port Dickson trip with the gang. :D

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Hawaiian style. Beaches, here I come.

Of course, we did not buy it lah. Not yet, anyway. Heh. Kind of cute, no? Except for the fact that it's probably tailor-made for GUYS.

Oh well, who cares right? I can cross-dress as much as I want and still be straight, can't I? *pouts*

Okay, okay, I'm getting a lil' too bimbo.

Uh. I don't really know what to say about this.

So anyway, after we were done buying and talking about nonsense, we headed back for my place, cause Jaclyn's mum had to work overtime and Jac was too lazy to catch a cab home herself. *rolls eyes* That picture is taken in the cab, by the way.

I'm starting to think that my friends are getting sort of annoyed at me for bringing my camera almost everywhere I go. Ish.

And, because we were bored at my house ... What else could we do, besides cam-whoring?

Record ourselves crapping, of course. I'm not about to start audio blogging or anything, cause I basically have a very sucky voice, but this shall be my first audio post! Listen to it if you want, you don't even have to download it. =D And if you don't want to pollute your ears with our voices, well, scroll down. :P

Birthdays, Sex Lives, and a whole lot of Crap.

Sorry for my crappy voice, I have a sore throat. -_-

And thus, the cam-whoring begins.

I did not have enough sleep yesterday (refer to my previous post T_T) and yes, I was hyper, so the pictures are sort of ugly. O_O I ditched my usual *smile at camera* pose, and opted to seriously 'uglify' myself. Which worked. :/

Never mind lah.

I think I look like I came out of a scene from 'Pontianak Sundal Harum Malam'. Or whatever that movie was called.

Err. Bad hair day. ^^;;

Liz tries her best to look vulnerable and cute, but only succeeds in looking pathetic and weird.

Wah. Really bad hair day. Check out my killer eye bags .... O_O

Enough said.

Oh well. ^^;; I'm the perfect definition of a failed camwhore. Mwahaha.

Am feeling sort of sleepy and very unphilosophical at the moment, so I shalt stop here. I'm feeling very light-headed yo.

Cheers. ^^

Phat Culture had a nightmare at 2:05 PM

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 || My Phobia arises

today

flew into my face.

I thought it was pontianak, or something. Seriously. So I screamed, threw my blanket aside, and jumped towards the switch to turn on my room lights.

........

Turned out that it was a moth. But I swear, this one must be at least half the size of my hand, and the sight of it made me vandalize rule number one of my fated Seven Rules over and over again. I feel pretty lame for saying this, but I am afraid of moths. I mean, I have this severe phobia of butterflies and moths ... which developed since I was a kid, don't ask me why.

I remember crying my eyes out, when my parents dragged me into a Butterfly Farm, in Cameron Highlands.

Really weird phobia, I know. By the way, just a bit of extra knowledge for ya, it's called Mottephobia. I should sign up for a membership at IHateButterflies.com. Most people are afraid of heights, even though it's highly UNlikely that they fall off tall buildings ... So I'm afraid of butterflies, just the same way. My friends used to laugh at me all the time, over this. :/ But nowadays, I can't really stand discrimination, so there!

SIGH. Now I'm all alone in the hall, as the darned moth drove me out of my own room. Sigh. Nobody is online to talk to me, and the only company that I have is my dog, who is busy wanking.

Just kidding. My cute dog doesn't wank. And even if she does, I absolutely refuse to acknowledge it.

Damn. Maybe I should use a broom or something, and poke it out of my room. Why isn't anyone online? I mean, the only people who are online are la las, and they're all doTAing. I still don't get what's so addictive about Dota.

Since I'm so fully awake and rejuvenated, perhaps I myself should try out Dota, just to see what's the fuss all about.

I'm so very awake, and so very bored indeed. Talk to me, someone. T_T

Cheers.

Phat Culture had a nightmare at 7:01 PM

Monday, September 26, 2005 || Turning over a new leaf :(

too

Friend: You know, I dig guys with afro hair-dos. Or mohawks. Yummy.

Me: You're f-- Uh. I mean. Yeah, you're weird.

Friend: Eh? Trying to mellow it down ar, Eliza? Haha ... I'll give it two days.

thing

lah.

To whomever it may concern:

Please do forgive me if I burst, for I am not thinking straight, and may come off as offensive, under such ridiculous circumstances. For gone is my sanity, to the darkest and most shadowy ends of the earth.

And may I be touched by the hands of Patience, for without her, I am sure to jump right into the boiling rivers of hell. Please bless me that I may be able to tolerate a certain few doltish, stupid and depressingly narrow-minded people that seem to seek to annoy the pants off me. May I not speak my mind, and label them disgusting twerps, to their faces.

To a certain member of the male species, that called me a bitch not too long ago because I never bothered saying Hi nor did I bother replying because I away and irritated by your presence. God bless you. Thank you very much for adding me again, and bombarding my MSN with requests of certain tips on how to pick up girls, and various flirtation techniques. And of course, the nudges. Very nice and thoughtful of you, but even nicer and more thoughtful of me for attempting to be less of a "conceited bitch" and trying my best to talk to you, as a potential friend.

I failed. I apologize, but please stop talking to me about hitting on girls ten years your junior, you *bleep*ing pedophile. I'm simply not interested, nor am I experienced enough to offer advice on that. Simply put, you are a dick.

And to that other dude, who sends me at least 10 nudges in a span of three minutes, bugging me to meet you ... Bugger off. Gah. I feel so much better after getting that off my chest.

Oh, before I forget, the three asses who were driving a Proton Waja, who stopped in front of me, at the bus stop, and honked really loudly, thus almost causing me a major heart-attack. Screw you. I do not intend to die so young, thank you very much.

I am in no way bullshitting, nor am I being overly 'perasan' or sensitive. I usually do not bother much, but I guess my patience is reaching its limits, and I do not want to be like Jaclyn, who nearly karate-kicked some twit the other day, for getting on her nerves. I did not have the priviledge to acquire any form of martial arts, and I still regret that.

To those who think that they're better, smarter and more talented than me, and have told me that straight to my face. Continue wallowing yourselves in your bulging egos, while you still can, and await the day when I'll painfully prove you wrong.

To the people who love me. I love you too.

To my parents, who never trusted me with anything and think that I'm a weak shadow of my very capable and beautiful older sister. I honestly believe that I was the one who was born with the potential, and my sister was born with the guts. It's just too bad that I couldn't have both. But I will now.

And as for the Malay Trials exam, which I screwed up, because I was high on a caffeine overdose and migraine, may I be blessed with Amnesia, that I will forget the RINGKASAN that I did, instead of the RUMUSAN. That is why, how I got the highest for my essay paper, which was on the same day, is beyond me. Peace to my brains.

And to my real friends, who've accepted me for who I am, and have been there for me throughout the years, no matter how big of a prick I was, I love you all.

I'm glad I wrote this. Now I can put it all behind me, and move on.

Cheers,
Eliza

Phat Culture had a nightmare at 7:09 PM

names

that

A very "excited" Cally, and the present Jac and I got her.

But of course, being the very nice and creative people that we are, it is necessary that we provide certain ...... obstacles.

A not-so-happy Cally, struggling with her present.

Seriously, that girl has the funniest expressions ever. I mean ... I've never really met anyone who has a more comical face than her. :P

And as for the present .........

In my opinion, a pretty horrible looking bikini, but Cally likes pink, and we thought that it'd make a funny present. Hehe.

Ta-da! ... Honestly though, I'd walk over my own dead body before I wear that. Haha ... Oh well, it's definitely a much better present than the tampons Jaclyn got me, and the vagina wipes I got for her.

Yes, we are a very sick bunch indeed.

One of the reasons why Cally's house is one of my favourite 'drop-by' places. :D

A very doleful looking Oscar. Hehe.

I should totally matchmake Fifi and Oscar, lol. The combination is pretty weird, haha, but I'm sure that they'll have absolutely adorable kids. *dreams*

Aww, kawaii, no?

Too bad Oscar's castrated. Bleh.

My camera ran out of batteries before we even reached the cafe to meet our other friends. It's times like these when I feel like banging my head on the wall for my forgetfulness in charging necessities like my phone and camera. Argh!

Anyway, I was really bored yesterday, so I edited the pics for fun. :D Not that I'm trying to 'tiru' Kenny Sia, kay?

And before I forget, Daniel won Malaysian Idol. Our generation is indeed going down the drains. I mean, no offence to him, cause I'm sure he's a really nice guy and everything, but I'm sorry to say that he is definitely NOT the most talented contestant. Nita should've won, sigh. But I guess we're more superficial than I thought, heh. I won't insult him for winning ....... But it's just sad that someone more talented, with a nicer voice did not win the "Idol" title.

I'd write more, but I've realized that I'm really getting very long-winded. -_- That's just so grandmother-ish, the way I go on and on about things ... hehe.

As usual, I'm in dire need of sleep. Honestly, I think I should start sleeping earlier. *yawns*

Laterz.

Phat Culture had a nightmare at 6:00 AM

Sunday, September 25, 2005 || If I ever ...

Okay, part of my efforts to transfer my stuff over 'ere.

Anyway, even though it's sort of amateurish, this is probably the favourite poem I ever wrote. Cause, even the story behind it is sort of memorable. :D

At around the end of last year, I met this really interesting guy, whom I sort of started to like. I wasn't in love, I guess, but the turmoil of emotions were sort of overwhelming, heh. Of course, knowing me, I never really told him that I liked him. I'm just weird, I guess.

So, I wrote this poem for him, though the poem was sort of inappropriate, since we weren't even together or anything. But before I could ever muster up the courage to let him read it, the dude told me that he was going to migrate someplace else with his family. -_- Come to think of it, it was a really strange phase for me.

But we've lost contact. Heh. It all turned out for the better, I suppose. But regardless, I still do love this. *sniff* Ohhh well.

If I Ever

If I cried out for you,
In the darkest of nights,
Would you reach for me and hold me tight?
And slowly lead me to the light?

If I called your name,
Whenever Grief came,
Would you answer my meek call?
And hold my hand throughout it all?

If I had to leave you alone,
To answer my call, my journey back home,
Would you shed a river of tears?
And wait for me a thousand years?

If we left each other's embrace,
A change of heart, a twist of tastes,
I'll let you know that I'll always be there,
To have and to hold, to share and to care.

Phat Culture had a nightmare at 6:02 PM

I've decided to delete my so-called portfolio at writing.com, so before that, I need to move all my "creative" works that I posted there, to my darling blog ... >.<

Seriously, I need to change my writing style. :/

Dedicated to nobody in particular. Actually, I can think of some people, but it'd be way too embarrassing, hah. The guy in the story was originally named Mark, but I changed it, cause almost all of my stories have 'Mark' in it. So school-girl of me ...

By the way, Happy Sassy Seventeen, Cally!

Symphonies

Soft symphonies and mellow melodies radiated from my radio, filling my ears with a sweet tune as I huddled in a corner of my bed. I hugged my pillow close to me and I squeezed my eyes shut, a light attempt at shutting out all the meaningless tunes and gripping memories. I felt as though my head was in turmoil... voices screaming at each other, memories colliding like an endless waterfall of misery and fumbled emotions. I felt tears welling up for what must have been the hundredth time and I covered my face in my blanket to stifle a cry. A cry for what I had, gained and lost. A cry for the hurtful words, a cry for the lies and a cry for my pain. Cry, cry... like a little baby, unable to crawl on its own. A helpless being, a nobody on my own. I tilted my head back and felt my heavy eyelids flutter and close, feeling myself drown in deep waves of tarnished emotions and fragments of memories. And the nightmare and dreams started all over again...

***

"A penny for your thoughts." A deep voice said from behind me. I turned around and saw a tall, dark-haired stranger with intense brown eyes leaning on an old oak tree with a soft smile playing on his lips. Feeling embarrassed, I averted my gaze. Here I was, sitting in a park bench in the most secluded spot I could find, sobbing silently. The fact that I was approached by a sullen stranger didn't help at all. I felt somebody sit beside me and the Stranger placed a handkerchief in my hand.

"The weather sure looks beautiful from here, doesn't it? I never fully appreciated it until I looked at its wonders from this angle." the voice continued. I sniffed and looked up... the white fluffy clouds did seem to be particularly beautiful today, forming a beautiful shape with the sunshine glittering around it. I took the handkerchief and sniffed into it while muttering a weak 'thanks' and I stood up, hoping to find another place to be peaceful and alone with my misery. "Wait, my name's Mark, I don't know why you're crying but you seem like you could use an ear... or just a friend. Maybe I could make it less painful for you, if you'd let me..." the dark-haired stranger earnestly said, looking me in the eye with those intense yet dreamy eyes. I felt a choke in my throat and I crumbled... unknowing at that time that a simple action from a normal stranger would change my life forever.

***

I never knew what joy was until I met Caleb. After our odd beginning, our friendship developed and bloomed like a sunflower in the midst of summer and sunshine. Somehow, our relationship seemed to strengthen me and for once in my life I could forget my problems and worries and be truly happy. My parents being on the verge of divorce, my fights with my best friend and my deteriorating grades... all the problems in the world couldn't seem to falter my new-found joy and happiness as long as Caleb was there to soothe me with his soft deep voice and smiling eyes. I ended my life-long search for bliss. I've finally found it and the bliss was Caleb.

Unknowingly and suddenly, our friendship blossomed into something else... I couldn't be happier, couldn't be living out a more perfect life. Everything else seemed blurry to my vision... the only clear spot was him.

***

"Feel this..." familiar arms enclosed around my waists and firm hands encircled around mine, bringing it close to his chest. I could almost feel the light heartbeats... "Can you feel this? It's all yours...It started beating to it's rhythm the day I met you... " a familiar voice whispered into my ears. I nestled in his arms feeling a spurt of an indescribable joy and sheer happiness from the bottom of my heart. 'This feeling will never fade... not till infinity. How did I ever live before ever experiencing this?' I thought. We were young, full of zest for life and in love. A fortress of love was built on the solid grounds of trust and understanding... Being in love, our world was full of rainbows and songs, true happiness radiated within our laughter and our tears were wiped away by tender kisses and light caresses. The sky was a deep shade of blue... with bright twinkling stars accentuated by cotton-like clouds that were barely visible. The moonlight danced and shone, perfectly reflected on the soft waves of the calm river. "See all this beauty? See those stars and the moon? They're all twinkling for your smile and shining for our love..."

***

"What do you mean you have a date?" an angry voice snapped impatiently over the phone. "This is the third time you're blowing me off this week... I didn't think that a normal guy would affect you and us so much. I really don't believe it..." I felt myself tense and tersely retorted:" He means a lot to me...at least he understands me, which is much more than what I could ever say about you!" I heard the dial tone and instantly felt a surge of regret. Jennifer didn't understand... she was my best friend she couldn't see why I needed Caleb. Even my mum didn't understand... she disliked my getting too close with him. I put all further thoughts of them away as I got ready to meet Mark.

***

'I don't wanna close my eyes... I don't wanna fall asleep cause I'd miss you baby... And I don't wanna miss a thing...' Songs from my favourite CD filled the car as Caleb and I laid back and enjoyed the spectacular mountain scenery. "Somehow, I think that this song speaks to us." Caleb remarked casually. "Of course not, we're not going to be apart, right?" I voiced thoughtfully. Caleb looked at me and for once, I couldn't read the meaning behind his intense gaze. His eyes seemed to be filled with an array of emotions... different and overwhelming. I thought I saw a trace of pain and sadness but in a blink of a second, he looked away and smiled. "I love you so much, you know that?" Caleb said softly, almost a whisper. I nearly felt my heart stop and I allowed myself to drown in the intensity of his eyes and his arms.

"I love you too..."

***

It was a bright sunny day in June, the skies were blue with birds flying freely in the air and dragonflies buzzing busily at the bank of the river. Caleb and I were having a picnic to celebrate his 18th birthday, in the peaceful park where we first met. We laughed, talked and played while enjoying the peaceful serenity of its beautiful surroundings. "Here, make a wish..." I said, lighting up the candles on a small vanilla cake. He squeezed his eyes shut and blew out the candles. "What did you wish for?" I asked, my smile dropping when I saw the newfound pain and tears that seemed to well up in the corner of his eyes. "I'm going to England..." He said softly. "What? No, you’re joking, right?" I exclaimed, shaking my head in disbelief.

"No, listen to me please... I received a scholarship to Oxford. It's a six year course in architecture... it's everything I've ever dreamed of. I tried to tell you sooner, but I wanted to spend every last moment happily with you. I'm sorry..." his voiced cracked as a single tear emitted from his perfect eyes. I took a deep breath, trying to control the waves of nausea and emotion that suddenly attacked me, "When are you leaving?" I choked out, not bothering to contain the tears that freely flowed. "Next Monday... Do you know what I wished for? I wished that you'll be happy and will always be strong and full of love... even when I'm not by your side anymore. Please be strong and understand that I've always loved you... I have my dreams to fulfill and we have our goals to achieve and lives to lead, even without each other." He pulled me close and embraced me... I felt the familiar strong arms around me and I sobbed into his shoulders. Crying for what I've just lost, crying for the future and crying over the fact that I'll never be held this way, with these arms anymore.

***

I woke up and sat up, feeling the light summer breeze blow lightly at my hair. The sun was as bright as always and the trees swayed rhythmically. I've never felt lonelier in my life... my friends weren't there for me anymore as I barely spoke to them when I had Caleb and my mum didn't seem to care. I wobbly stood up and I heard a loud 'thud' behind me. I turned around to find a photo frame on the floor... in it was a picture of Caleb and I, taken on our first real date. It was a gift from Caleb... I picked up the picture and couldn't help smiling at the similiarly excited look we both had in our eyes. I turned it around and noticed that there were wordings engraved at the back of it, words I almost forgot. 'I love your smile and I love you... let's love without regrets and smile throughout it all. Love, Caleb.'

I felt the familiar wave of emotion and I smiled. Suddenly, a different song started to play on the radio... 'I don't wanna close my eyes... I don't wanna fall asleep cause I'd miss you baby and I don't wanna miss a thing... Cause even when I dream of you... the sweetest dream would never do I still miss you baby and I don't wanna miss a thing...'

"I miss you, Caleb. I miss you so, so much... But I have to live without you, I have to be strong for myself, and for you... I still have to smile and I still have to laugh. I miss your dreamy eyes and your soothing voice... but a part of you will always remain with me. With every memory, I can feel your arms around me. Whenever I feel sad, I feel the breeze and wind blowing against my ear in soft whispers... It's almost like hearing your voice whispering comforting words into my ears. For now, that's enough. Thank you for teaching me how to love.' I whispered into the picture, as the song continued playing softly on the radio... I stared at the picture and I smiled. Not for Caleb, but for myself. Caleb helped me to get on my feet when I was struggling with my walk and path in life. Like an angel from heaven, he cared and taught me so much. Through him, I found the real me. For Caleb and myself, I have to continue my pursue of self-discovery, true kindness and love. My journey in life hasn't ended yet - it had only just begun.

Phat Culture had a nightmare at 9:00 AM

Friday, September 23, 2005 || Musings ...

~~lazy~~

depth

nice

reflect

meant

assume

"If you really love God ... really, REALLY love God with all your heart and soul, you wouldn't even NEED earthly pleasures anymore. You'd just be filled with this passion and longing to please God and only God, and that would make you happy, because you know that you're glowing for Christ."

Totally unrelated, but this is my favourite drink on earth, and I drink it at least 3 times a week. Hah. You can even see Jac in the background, perfecting her classic 'I'm SMS-ing, don't kacau me' look.

And throughout the whole conversation, Suet and May just gave each other really knowing looks. Which is something like the Secret Gaze May Lee and I perfected, after so many years of telepathic conversations. And it just made me feel so ... weird. Am I really 'bad' and unworthy, just because I curse from time to time, and I'm so laid-back that I make my poodle seem intense? Would God really think lowly of me, because I'm not exactly living a life "reflecting His glory"?

And, well, I do know that my best friend is really, really passionate about God. I mean, yeah, I do get Prez's point that we should all be good examples ... but I wonder, does God look beyond our exterior presence, and loves us for the sincerity in our hearts?

I simply cannot fathom it all. I've always felt that some Christians are really, really judgemental, though they mean well. I'm just a bit confused. Christianity, to me, is just Faith, and not so much of a religion, and that was the whole reason why I decided to be in Christian in the first place. Because that I knew He loved me so much and I could just feel His love, even when I never deserved it in the first place ... and I wouldn't trade that feeling for the world.

It's like when Shane West says, in A Walk to Remember, 'Her love is like the wind ... I can't see it, but I can feel it.' (Which, by the way, that sentence totally blew me away =( )

So ... well. I'm confused. I've always felt so blessed because I knew that no matter what all these people in my life thought about me, and no matter how many people may dislike me, I'll still have God to talk to and hold my hand to guide me through the darkest nights. But as of now, I'm just starting to feel unworthy of it again. Maybe I really do need to earn it, or something.

I don't deserve my life. I really don't. I'm not that good of a person, daughter nor friend. And it's weird, because when I'm really starting to feel like I belong again, splashes of cold water seem to blast across my face, and remind me that Reality really isn't that simple, after all.

A classic "messed-up youth stoning together" picture.

Is doing this with my life really so bad? I mean, well, perhaps it does look sort of pointless, but why do we get judged this way? I don't get it. I really don't. I never found my life, or any of my friend's, an interesting topic of discussion. Sigh.

And for the record, I did talk to my best friend about it. About how we were "bad reflectors" of God and all the hoo-hahs. And I also told her about Suet and Prez's telling me that we ought to be more aggressive and active in church. She took it all rather well, surprisingly, and I guess it actually may be a blessing in disguise as we've decided to organize a totally kick-ass event/party at church this December. Sort of a remake of the M.A.D event we organized two years back. :D

YES, this is my chance to prove that our uniqueness will be able to result in something totally fun, cool and (hopefully) successful. Ideas, anyone? ^^;; My creativity is sort of blah nowadays, I doubt that I'll be able to come up with anything great. Sigh.

Oh well, this whole thing is just too confusing. I wish that someone'd tell me what to do, or how to react, just this once. So I can stop feeling like shit. =/

On a much lighter note, I heard that I got highest in the class for my essay paper. Like, yes Yes YES! *dances to Numa-Numa* I actually thought that it was the worst essay paper ever, cause for one, it was the shortest I ever wrote ... But oh well. Maybe my friend was just bullshitting, but if I really did get the highest, I guess my teacher bought it. :D:D:D:D

HOORAY!!!!!

Edited: Vote NITA for Malaysian Idol! Daniel is, well, cute and everything ... but ahhhh *avoids punches from "Danny boy's" fans.

Phat Culture had a nightmare at 7:29 PM

Thursday, September 22, 2005 ||

EDITED:

Despite Suet and May insisting that we're all supposed to be in school today, I didn't go. Cause, well, frankly I find no purpose in stoning with them, while discussing the weird contrasts in all our lives. I barely even

know

what the heck to write in my school-leaving form thing.

*sobs*

This is what happens when you're just basically being a lazy ass in school for the past five years.

Ah well. Anyway, Jacko (new nickname, I'm luvin' it...) came over to my place after her school was over, despite her Maths paper tomorrow, cause she didn't want to miss our weekly

pasar malam

visits. Interesting.

And,

OH,

there was this earth-shattering-ly CUTE kitten with baby blue eyes beside the ice cream stall. Of course, one of its eyes were swollen and had a bruise. It was just purring and glancing up at everybody with its adorable blue eyes... *gushes* And after we walked for a bit, I felt a wave of emotion so strong that I actually went back to look for it, intending to bring her home to feed her with Fifi's dog biscuits. (Cats eat anything ... That's why Fifi's food supply is extremely convenient! Don't tell my mother, though, for she would not understand my love for all things furry and homeless.) But when we reached the ice-cream stall, the kitten wasn't there anymore. :(

I spent almost half an hour wandering around the pasar malam, uttering '

kitty ... where are you kitty .. meow?'

that I swear, the people must think that I'm nuts. Sigh, too bad my attempt at being a loving and kind-hearted human being failed, once again.

Anyway, Jacko (and apparently, wen che .. ) thinks that I'm cuckoo for posting that dumb 'ninja-style' picture Cal took for me yesterday. Oh well. I know its ridiculous, but I think its funny. Don't mind my sense of humour, ya?

My mum thinks that I'm a lesbian. Like, damn. Cause, you see, a few days back, my friend and I were recording ourselves, speaking really loudly about current affairs. And as for me, I was moaning about Mark and his homosexuality, and I also went on and on about how I should follow in his footsteps and be a lesbian, since he is the love of my life and everything. Hah. And my mother heard it all. :(

And as usual, she had a very nice chat with me, regarding my sexuality. Oh God. How utterly embarrassing wei.

She also told me that "everybody" thinks that I'm pretty

wild

.

I'm not wild ... I'm just ...

playful

. And I'm not a lesbian, either. *clears throat* And, anyway ...

So what if I'm wild? I'm most definitely not. Cause, you see, I don'

t:

1) go Clubbing.
2) date "punks".
3) have any gangster friends who'd help me bash the hell out of anybody who offends me.
4) drink. I really don't.
5) smoke or do drugs.

There, enough reason to prove that I'm nowhere near wild. I'm just playful and cheeky, like a monkey. (Okay, stupid illustration, once again)

I need to regain a bit of creativity. I should do yoga or start meditating. (ohmm........) But, you know, for a while back, my sense of humour has been going down the Klang drains. All my friends were bugging me to lighten up as I was way too intense and brooding.

But I think that I'm back. Back to normal, that is. And I'm happy, cause I'm finally laughing at everything, funny or not, again. :D Hooray!

And, after I came home from Pasar Malam, I was striken by a severe case of camwhoritis. Okay, basically it's just what happens when a girl goes without cam-whoring for a much-too-long period of time. Symptoms include lack of sleep, constant hair scratching and high-pitched yelling.

Joking.

Succeeding in looking totally lan c. By the way, that's Mr Toodles, a present from my favourite person of 2004. Hah.

With that failing, I tried ~~posing~~ smiling.

Unfortunately, Mr Toodles ain't looking at the cam ...

Yeah baby, all the guys swoon at my awesome guitar skills. *lies through teeth*

Well, I can barely play More Than Words to save myself, haha. When I found out that one of my strings broke ...

I got fanatical.

This is what happens when one watches too much Rockstar: INXS. I got delusional.

Okay, satisfied my cam-whoring urges. And ... OH! By the way, J.D is the new lead singer of INXS! I swear, that guy is totally smouldering. Well, I thought that he'd be better off as a solo artiste, but oh wells. At least he won!

And finally my friends agreed to go jogging with me tomorrow. *grins* I mean, I could use a good jog for sure. =/ I'm just praying with all my heart that all of us will be able to wake up on time ... but judging by our supreme laziness, I sort of doubt it. Sigh.

Oh well. I should go sleep. *yawns*

Phat Culture had a nightmare at 7:50 PM

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 || Pretty much a fun-filled day ...

aww, I feel so honoured)

furious

all the classes from our junior block

every friggin' class

~~multiple~~

cleaning!

See, I'm so gung-ho, I'm even glowing with passion.

continue

sleep

Phat Culture had a nightmare at 11:13 PM

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 || Issues, issues and more issues.

~~hold an illegal party~~

locate

way

lah

them

bit

rude

when

their

chill

Phat Culture had a nightmare at 5:04 PM

Monday, September 19, 2005 || Screwed.

gerak gempurs

tomorrow

2001)

finally

chat rooms

ang-mohs

Neopets,

2002)

2003

2004-2005

blogging!

anime

korean

add

Yeah, yeah, like I'll miss that so much, sheesh.

everyone

everyday

Phat Culture had a nightmare at 5:56 PM

toilet

extremely

~~annoying~~

Okay, she IS gorgeous, admittedly.

Can you believe Amber smiled at me? I didn't even recognize her cause she was so damn tall! Then I asked her: Are you THE Amber Chia? And she said YES, while smiling again ... BUT I forgot to take her picture. Damn. Am I like, retarded or what? I think I'm stupider than Liz who actually took up my dare to video-blog herself!"

offered to be a part of my dumb vlogging attempts.