Monday, September 25, 2006 || "I'm not a good person"
- Woo, today wasn't half bad.
Anyway, I am currently in DEEP shit cause I am FREAKING broke. I'm not even kidding ya. I have, like, Rm50 that's supposed to last me for two weeks. o_O
I thought, pondered, and planned ... Then it hit me. Why didn't I think of it earlier?!
DADDY <--------- So the first step of my amazing plan was to suddenly act damn friendly and close to him, which involved me taking a picture of us from my phone. =.='' Mainly cause he's absolutely fascinated with my phone's camera. Meh ...
Yeah, I look like a piece of poop. I'm even going through a BAD phase, physically. Or at least, I feel so. ='( I feel like my hair sucks and my nose is larger, from all the nose-blowing I've been doing recently. HAH
Sooooo anyway, after licking his boots for so long, he finally handed me Rm10. -______-''
But ah, at the broke rate I'm going, even 10 bucks is worth loads, I'd say. =D
And ohhh, I cooked! Who said I can't cook, huh! Grrrr.
No idea what kinda dish I was trying to achieve with cabbages (I LOVE CABBAGES!), mushrooms and garlics + onions. But whatever it was, it turned out delicious. :D
Except that, of course, I forgot to take a pic of the end product. -_-''
AND oh, I ate the BEST ice kacang EVER today. It doesn't look it, but it seriously IS damn nice, I'm telling you!
It's the Rm2.50 ice cream from the little penang cafe in Citrus Park, I think. *slurp*
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Anyway, something happened today that emo-fied me again. I was talking to this guy, and feeling a sudden gush of guilt, almost told him to NOT be so nice to me, because I'm not worth it.
"I'm not a good person, okay?", I wanted to say.
Before I stopped myself. Because I knew that he'd probably say something cliche and predictable, like "no, you're not a bad person, believe me yada yada".
And also because I suddenly felt intensely stupid and sad again. You see, not too long ago, HE said those exact words to me.
"I'm telling you now that I am NOT a good person ... ", he said, with a low tone of voice that was hard to decipher. What a weird thing to tell someone, I thought.
And me, being the naive fool that I was, immediately told him that I believe he's a good person. "And isn't that all that really matters?", I asked.
I feel really saddened that this whole cycle had to repeat itself again. With me, playing a different role, this time around.
Back then, I had no idea what he meant. I'm pretty straight-forward and I'm not one to put much thought into words ... so I asked him straight out, "What do you mean by saying that you're not a good person?"
"I think that it just means that I'll end up hurting you ...", was his simple reply.
Now, I don't think I'm angry anymore. He WARNED me, for Christ's sake. Yet I still innocently took a deep plunge and tried so hard to be there for him whenever he needed me.
Right now, I can finally understand what it feels like to tell someone that you're not a good person. It just means that you know and acknowledge that you're flawed - so much to the extent of hurting a person you don't intend to hurt.
When I assured him that he was a good person, I thought that his predictions that he was gonna end up hurting me was foul. And look what happened? He hurt me. Unintentionally or otherwise, I don't even want to know anymore. And the worst part is, we're so goddamn similiar, it's scary.
You can take the tiger out of the jungle, but you can never take the jungle out of the tiger. I'm sick of this whole roller coaster ride of the love game.
This is kinda sad, but when I really think about it ... You could turn the tables around, and make HIM the one who cared more and I, the one who cared less. I can sincerely admit that I'll undeniably end up hurting him as well. Sad, huh?
So my conclusion is, we're all not ready for something that's supposed to be sacred and gratifying. A real relationship.
I REALLY am not a good person. And I mean it. Don't be as dumb as I was to believe that you'll be able to change me, because people like me, we're smart enough to adapt, but not sacrificial or selfless enough to change.
And yes, I'm strong enough to move on and forget about that so-called bastard, but not exactly heartless enough to forget anybody this fast. As you can see, my heart, pride and ego ... all broken.
OHHH yeah, did I say that I'm homeless for the next week? Mum and dad are kicking me out (hahaha wtf) cause they wanna change our measly apartment's room tiles. And I won't even have a place to stay!
Okay, I'll probably end up bunking at Pui Yee or Jaclyn's, but they don't have internet connection. SIGH.
