Monday, September 11, 2006 || Goodbye, butterflies
- I just watched Click.
... And I cried like how Fifi cried when I accidentally spilled hot pork soup on her. Okok, just exaggerating. But I really teared up at some point and grabbed a whole lot of tissue to wipe my tears. =((((
So I have no idea why am I bloody emo nowadays. Okay, fine, I *do* know why ... (and it's not PMS, dammit though I wish it was)
Anyway, if I had an universal remote control, it would've been pretty damn depressing. Cause I would merely rewind time to all the moments when I made major mistakes .... I would've cried, shouted and slapped the Me of the past, screaming "don't fucking SAY this! You're gonna regret for MONTHS after that, you hear me? You're making a mistake and you KNOW it!!! Don't do this, damn it!" ...
....... Only to find that my screams would change nothing, since everything that happened already ... happened. And I'd just end up coming home to the Now, feeling guilty, regretful and teary-eyed again. =.=''
Oh yeah, I teared up when I watched Crash, too. OH MAN, I'm turning into an emo crying machine, and I am NOT liking it. I remember practically wailing when I re-watched I'm Sorry I love you.
Anyway, it's merely coincidential that I'm staying home on a Sunday afternoon :) it has nothing to do with me feeling miserable and bored of social ordeals that only guarantee a whole load of gossips. :)
Hoho, this is a definite first, man. Eliza Lee spends her Sunday at home, blogging.
------- personal bit you should probably skip unless you're super kepoh ----------
You know what? I'm sick of this.
I'm sick of jumping excitedly whenever my phone rings, only to find that it isn't you. I'm sick of staring at your name in my phone for bloody long in my bed before I sleep, wondering if I should call or SMS you, wondering if you're okay. I'm even sick of that whole bundle of bliss I feel whenever I see you. And the joy I feel that instantly brightened up my day whenever the phone rings and it IS you.
I'm not used to this. I really am not. Everybody knows I'm freaking cold blooded, dammit! How could you transform me into a pool of emotional mush so easily?
You think that I'm a jerk. I sometimes think that I am one, too. But couldn't you tell that it's just a part of my defence mechanism? I was always slightly more jerkier to you, cause you made me feel SO vulnerable. Like .... I was almost certain that you could hurt me really bad if you wanted to. I don't want to be hurt. I really don't. I'd do whatever it takes to protect myself, but little did I know, the more I tried ... the more I was hurting.
You call me a player. And because of that, I regret everyday that I didn't do things differently.
I think the worst part is that I miss you so much. So goddamn much. I'm powerless, defenseless, and defeated.
So I have to let this go. Let you go. For once, I think that I'm doing the right thing by ending this emotional roller coaster for the both of us. Soon, with time I hope, everything will just cease into nothing but funny and sweet memories.
At least you taught me some REALLY big lessons. =) And no matter what, I guess I'll still always be grateful to you for that.
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I've learnt that I'm pretty damn loyal, man. (haha wtf)
I don't know why but I can't seem to be like other people, who somehow manage to date and love new people just a few weeks after a bad break-up. And in my case, it isn't even a break-up. O_o'' Yet I was majorly affected for like what, a whole month?
One month of unsent SMSes, happily saved messages (that are now deleted), shy yum-cha sessions, awkward-but-endearing phone calls that got more and more rare ... one month of waiting too much, and caring too much. And confused butterflies fluttering in my heart.
I guess I just need time. At least now I'm making a conscious effort to end things once and for all.
And I salute myself for being so secretive about stuffs like this, as usual. Only two of my friends know the whole story. I don't think other people could tell that I was going through a pretty ... tough time.
Er ... at least I still had a bit of mood to camwhore. Hahaha. Let's talk on Skype, people!
And girls night out was pretty fun! I love you girls (ivy, chris, suet). =) I miss all the catfights and dramas we used to have ... but at the end of the day, at least we still trust each other, right? Which is more than what I could say of some new girl friends ....... Okay okay. *smacks self before revealing too much*
And BIG thank you to my NS-ed best friend who spent a whole bloody month emo-ing with me! :D A whole month! It takes a REAL friend to hang out with an annoying, zoned-out, and emo friend all the time. *awww*
You know what's the funny thing? Writing this post actually put a smile on my face. A good sign, right?
