Monday, September 25, 2006 || UNTITLED, WTF
- I was hesitant about blogging this entry today, as I'm not exactly in my right state of mind, and this entry'd definitely come out too emo, pointless and possibly even too private.
But fuck it lah, it's my blog and I'm entitled to write whatever I want. *grrr*
Lessons in life 101. DON'T EVER TELL SOMEONE YOU LIKE/LOVE HIM OR HER IF YOU DON'T BLOODY MEAN IT!!!
I think it's pretty obvious by now that I genuinely like someone. And no, I can say with a pretty clear mind that it's not really one of those puppy love or infatuation crap that I'm good at. Even my best friends are kinda surprised, cause it's REALLY unlike me to sacrifice so much for anyone.
None of my previous relationships ever lasted for more than, like, a month or more ... cause I always have this really intense fear of being hurt. And I never liked commitment, plus the fact that I get really bored really easily. So I guess I never had a serious relationship before, one that mattered, anyway.
And guess what, I was willing to forego all that and really commit to this guy. I worry about him, I did everything I could for him, I argued with a guy friend over him, I believed in him.
I even - get this - NAG him at times. Wtf! Everybody knows I don't give a shit enough to nag anybody. =( Everybody knows I'm totally NOT motherly at all. =(
And guess where'd that land me. IN A PILE OF SHIT, that's where I am right now. I feel used, fugly, naive and hurt.
How could a guy tell you how much he really liked you and cared for you if he didn't mean it? Okay, okay, I probably deserve it since I've done it before. But God ... it hurts. It hurts even more when the signs are so significant cause I've actually done it before. I feel so fucking angry that karma had to hit back at me when I really started to learn how to genuinely care for someone, for real.
And oh, I've realized how much it hurts to 'nag' someone for their own good, and to get a "Haiyo chill lah ..." in return. I'm sorry, Mom and Dad. O_o
I'M DAMN UPSET + HURT + PISSED + BROKEN + ANGRY + DISAPPOINTED. How could anybody be so heartless and do this to someone who really cared for them? (..... okay, don't answer that question)
I hereby solemnly swear upon my beloved Dean Koontz books that I will NEVER, EVER lead somebody that I don't genuinely like on again. Of course, seeing what a shitty person I am, I doubt that anybody would ever like me again. *bwahaha*
Stupid manipulative fucker. You know, it's kinda weird how I can affectionately do so much shit for someone ... and now refer to the very same person as a fucker.
I wish I was stronger. I wish I wouldn't slowly walk away from him, only to find myself running back to him whenever he needs me. I wish I never met him at all. WTF, my life was practically perfect! I was doing well in my studies, I was happy and I was really selamba and satisfied.
Now I'm distracted, heartbroken and anything BUT selamba and satisfied. I spent so much time helping him deal with his issues, only to find that I'M now the one with more issues. Oh mai gawd ......
I should blame myself for believing someone I shouldn't have trusted. I should thank him so much for destroying my capacity to ever trust anybody again. I feel like crushing his balls and getting my revenge ... but what's the point, when I STILL care for him, even after all the shit he put me through? I'm too honest to lie to myself, of all people. I KNOW that if he needs me to be there for him to help him through his problems and issues ....... I will be there. =(
This is crazy. I must be crazy. Someone knock me back to my senses please. Since when am I this sacrificial, noble, DUMB chick who does crap for a screwed up, insecure, bullshitting guy?
So, my boys and girls, the conclusion of today's post is:
Eliza Lee is officially pwned.
Oh btw, my hair sucks. I wanna jump off a tall tall building and land on the stupid fucker, cause he'd die as well since I'm so heavy.
