Tuesday, May 02, 2006 || Insensitivity
- In case anybody was wondering if I was dead or murdered, I'm totally alive and kicking.
I haven't been online much at all ... cause ... I dunno. Suddenly I just don't feel anymore 'urges' to come online anymore, to chat or whatsoever. Why ah? And I was staying at my friend's place for the past two days and I didn't get to come online since we were doing other nonsensical stuff ...
I was even half-tempted to delete my blog cuz I REALLY AM damn lazy to blog about my nonexistential social life and oh-so-mundane everyday routine.
Okay okay, it isn't that bad. But you get the picture. Asides from looking forward to college and meeting random friends, my life is plainly rather uninteresting. Bleckh.
Btw, go watch She's the man. =) It's surprisingly quite nice ...
--------------------
I've just realized how utterly insensitive I am. Okok, I know that I've never been Miss Kind Words or anything, but sometimes I say a lot of stupid potentially offensive crap without even knowing that I pissed somebody off. =_=
I really don't mean it okay. I'm just being ... me.
(friend) "I HATE IT when people talk about me behind my back okay ..."
(me) "Oh it happens all the time wat."
(friend) "Yeah lah stupid bitches lah ... you know what's the worst kinda back-stabbing?"
(me) "What?"
(friend) "No la ... you know, if everybody disses something about you that you thought was a strength. Like I dunno, if you think you have a nice nose or something and people just bitch about it and say that it's weird ..."
(a bored me) "Oh yalor ... in that case you have nothing to worry about wat."
------ silence ------
(me) "What?"
AHAHA. Okay, just to clarify that I really didn't mean to come out that way. I just wasn't really giving much of a damn and therefore not thinking straight before speaking.
I have trouble understanding other people. I automatically assume that since I don't really feel insecure about my looks/weight/etc, other girls (and guys) shouldn't too.
Like wtf lah. If somebody told me my nose was as big as a papaya (which it probably is) , I would just be like "Ya and yours looks like a watermelon bwahaha!" instead of ".......... f*** you, sucker!".
It means that I have absolutely no PR skills at all.
But I definitely think that the world doesn't really revolve around ONLY me or you. In a camp not long ago, two girls I sorta knew, their dad passed away the 3rd day we were there or something like that.
My friends and I were sympathetic, despite not knowing anything about those girls besides their names, and we hugged them and told them it'd be okay.
But a few hours later during lunch, a few other of our friends who were oblivious to the situation and didn't know the girls came and sat at our table. We talked as usual and I laughed at the jokes they cracked.
And suddenly, after lunch, my friends and I received a bigass lecture about how insensitive we were to 'ignore those two girls feelings' during lunch.
I argued that if my dad passed away (Choi!), I would really prefer it if everybody pretended not to know and just spare me the sympathy, cuz I'd be even more upset if I created a gloomy atmosphere.
The dude who lectured me was all "No, you guys ought to be more sensitive and not act like it's a party bla bla bla"
I DO get what he's getting at, I really do. Though ....
it may seem really cruel to you, but I barely know those girls and I've never met their dad before. I could force myself to feel guilty and to cry and mourn with them, but the truth is, asides from a bit of sadness and pity, I felt no grief at all.
I do not know what it feels like to have somebody close to you die, and I'm sure that it wouldn't feel good. But if I wanted to feel sad and cry for every individual facing sad circumstances .... I'd be crying everyday, man.
I think that in all of us, there IS strength. And it's up to us to draw it out ourselves for self-protection and survival.
I'm not saying that I don't give a damn about other people's sorrows. I just admit to have a lot of trouble understanding their problems, even if I have been through the same kind of shit before. Because I think that it's up to us to put a closure to our own personal shit, and not rely on self-help books or other people's constant approval and help.
Don't blame me for being insensitive. I openly admit that sometimes I cross the line and regret the things that I say ...
In all the 18 years that I've known myself, I really don't think that I'm "cruel". I'm not afraid of saying "sorry" even if I'd need to bite a huge chunk of my pride out to say it.
But if you can't handle my so-called 'insensitivity' ... what are you gonna do when somebody delivers you a even bigger blow than the one I supposedly did? =_=
