Tuesday, April 25, 2006 || bastardassbitchshitprick
- I really should blog more. I mean, how else will I ever remember all the crap I did in 2006?
But then again, my mundane life is so boring and ... mundane. My posts have been sorta ranty nowadays cuz ... well, life isn't happy and cheerful at the moment. -_-
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Anyway, I just had a superlicious fight with my dad today. It's so bad that I haven't talked to him for more than 24 hours.
He told me that since I did not-so-well in my SPM, I'm gonna be a failure in life because unlike my older sister, I do not possess guts or street-smartness to make it in life.
I was so pissed, hurt and upset I started sobbing and crying in the middle of dinner in Jalan Imbi. Okok, before anybody flames me and tell me I'm an ungrateful bitch for tearing apart just after one fight, let me just say that it has been that way my whole life.
He always compared me with my older sis. Even when I studied and got good results, he'd still say stupid fuckshit like "Oh, wah, anyway Elaine got damn good results also even though she was hardly in school and never study."
And after 18 years of not living up and being compared, belittled, and unappreciated, I give up. I've cried enough tears and have had enough blows.
I mean, I've always wondered why he always loved my sister more. Come on, she doesn't even come back to Malaysia more than once every two years!
And comparing me to her is frankly retarded, if you asked me. She started smoking and shoplifted when she was 13 and by the time she was my age, she was experimenting with drugs and all those shits.
TELL ME, PEOPLE, what the fuck? Am I really, really worse than that? I'm not saying I'm a better person, but WHAT ON EARTH is there for him to compare us with? Just because I'm less talkative and less independant? Just because I have less friends?
I could never find the answers to my questions. Until now.
I've realized that my father is not a hero, nor someone great. He's just a man, easily swayed and seduced.
Money. Just because she's filthy rich, he worships the ground she walks on.
Oh of course, I'll willingly admit that I'm in no position to buy him a Camry, a house or whatever. Hell, I'm even so thrifty and kiamsap I won't even spend more than Rm50 for his birthday present.
But I'm goddamn disappointed in him.
I used to be a happy, carefree and socialble person. Confident, too. But my father single-handedly destroyed all my dreams, shattered my self-esteem and stole my sense of direction and hope away from me.
Everything I ever wanted in life, he always smirked and told me they were foolish dreams. That I'll never succeed and get rich with them.
And now, I'm torn, broken and lost. Are you happy now, dad?
I'll never be Elaine, and that hurts you so much you absolutely HAVE to destroy whatever that's left of Eliza, right?
No, I'm sick of all your bullshit about how amazing my sister is. I don't see her more than once a year, she's a stranger to me, and I fail to set her as a source of inspiration. Because you made me hate the sister I never knew. And I know that because of you, she hates me too.
I'm lost, but I'll find my way again. I'm not particularly smart, pretty or witty, but I'll gain recognition and success with what I have, and not what you expect me to have.
And you'll never be a part of it. I'm sorry to say that even after all the mental shit you put me through, after everything I've done to try to please you ... I am still incapable of hating you. But I want to be happy again, and I don't ever want you to crush my spirits ever again. Someday I'll repay you for all the money you "invested", in your own words, in me. And that'll be the end.
But I blame you for everything that I am and everything that I'm not.
