Thursday, March 23, 2006 || The secret chambers of the human mind
- I just finished reading Dean Koontz's False Memory.
I loved it. It was a psychological thriller that involed autophobia (fear of ONESELF. As in, you fear YOURSELF. I didn't really know such a phobia existed wei), brain-control and all those cool psychological shit.
It's not as good as Watchers (the book that got me loving Dean), cause I didn't find the ending that satisfying, but the whole idea of mind-control and brain-washing is SO fascinating. I even read a few articles on wikipedia about it after I was done with the book.
It's almost a weird fetish. I remember how much I liked Manchurian Candidate (though the movie remake of it wasn't that good) 'cause I found the idea of mind engineering so so intriguing.
Not like I think that brainwashing someone is right. I just find the idea very interesting. Please watch Donnie Darko, I found that film very very interesting as well.
I've always believed that the human mind is the most powerful - or the most harmful - tool any human being could ever possess. Your mind itself is capable of destroying itself and others if you allow or want it to. Your mental strength could save you or totally crush you, ya? What if you failed SPM, and could never live up to the shame of it, therefore you decided to kill yourself? Or alternatively, you could try harder the next time around ...
So anyway, off the subject of my fascination with the human mind for a bit.
Last Saturday, I had the biggest brawl ever with my parents. Over something that I don't think is my fault at all. I didn't scream back or even fought back -- I just kept quiet.
And they said something I don't think I could ever forgive, or forget.
If they yelled at me about my SPM results or something like that (which they didn't), fine. I deserved it. But to throw something I have been painfully dealing with my whole life ... something they KNOW that still hurts me very much ... is cruelty, to me.
I didn't bother arguing with them. I merely walked out the door and stayed over at my friend's place for the night, crying in the cab on the way there (which was STUPID, I know).
Anyway, I have already put the whole nightmare behind me. Mainly because while I was sniffing and suicidal in the taxi, there was this malay song playing on the radio. I thought it was some kinda anthem or something, but when I listened carefully, the lyrics went something like
'Saya hidup untukmu ... Kau memberikan cintamu kepada-ku ...Kaulah segalanya, Yesus'
SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I can't remember for sure.
And that, my friends, to me is a miracle. I know I sound like an irritating religious bigot trying to shove her beliefs down other people's throats forcefully (I am aware of such people, believe me)... But I don't really believe in coincidences, and the instant relief and peace that I felt at that moment is worth the belief and conviction. I hated what my parents said ... but gah, people say hurtful things when they're bad tempered, I guess?
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Anyway, since I'm deeply inspired by all the psychological trauma that Dean koontz portrayed so well, I shall write about all the mental traumas I faced when I was growing up.
Wah cheh, as though I'm so grown up only.
My fear of unacceptance
I think a lot of other people have gone through this as well. But for me, somehow adjusting from primary school life to secondary school life was unexceptionally hard. I remember looking at all my new classmates in form 1 and thinking fearfully how much prettier, smarter and more at ease than me.
It was hard to feel really accepted, because of my low self esteem back then. I got quite depressed, but I eventually got through it, mainly because I realized that I do have good friends who liked me for who I am.
How to get through it: friends... and the realization that sometimes, you don't exactly have to please everyone.
Low self-esteem
Not really uncommon, yea? I am pretty sure that almost everyone, despite their narcissism, has felt inadequate before.
My confidence level used to be, like, zero. My physical appearance back then didn't help much either. I felt so bad about myself that sometimes I would feel SO tired with myself and even felt like dying, at one point.
I thought that if I kicked everybody's ass with my studies, I would somehow be "normal". So I dedicated many hours to studying, everyday I would study until 3 a.m in the morning. My results back then were pretty good, but not literally amazing, since my physical health wasn't exactly top form.
How I got through it: I don't know, exactly. I guess I started trying to accept my flaws and weaknesses, and found out that I had strengths as well. Nowadays, I'll have to say that I don't have self-esteem problems anymore ... in fact, I think that I'm suffering from an overdose of confidence, 'till the point of becoming almost aloof. Errrr ... not that it's a bad thing, really. Really.
And I developed a lame phobia of studying.
Fear of my own fatness
I think all girls have been through this, at some point or other.
I thought that my face was too chubby, therefore I had a really fugly short hairdo that covered the sides of my faces. Of course, the hairdo did me no justice, apparently.
I was never extremely fat, but I felt like I was obese. So I tried hardcore dieting (two-three bites of rice per meal, no more.) and I almost even puked out my food on a few occasions. I lost quite a lot of weight and I was very thin, though my school pinafore concealed it quite well.
Everytime I ate anything, I'd feel a surge of guilt. I'd feel so guilty that I almost feel like puking out my food. And trust me, guys, it is NEVER a great feeling.
For most girls, weight is a very very serious issue. Bfs should never try implying that their gfs are fat, even if she is, because you'll never really know how serious is she taking you.
Pay me a million dollars, and I still would never want to go through that phase again. It was that bad. This may sound really weird, but the main reason I have never tried dieting after I got over my fat phase is because I never want to feel so vulnerable, scared and terrified again. I don't want to consume a delicious meal, only to be struck by guilt.
I don't give a damn if I'll look better if I'm thinner. I'm trying to let my views, and only mine alone, affect my life. I don't ever want to fall that badly again. Tell me I'm fat, and I'll only ask you to fuck off ... because, I dunno, it is a lot better than me puking for you.
How I got through it: Again, my friends played a pretty huge role. When I was 14 or so, I started eating normally and gaining weight again. Soon, I became the foul-mouthed, sarcastic, confident asshole that I am. @_o
Not like I think that I've become a worse person ... I just like the person that I am today a lot more than the screwed up geek that I was. :)
Asides from all my good friends, I doubt that anybody'd guess that I was ever this disturbed. Yeap, I was majorly screwed up in more ways than one. But strangely enough, I'm pretty glad I went through all that crap ... it helped me find out who my real friends were, and how much I actually love myself.
Because of all my insecurities with myself, in the first place, I found that as I grew older, I only dated people that I knew I would never really fall in love with. You know, the typical fling types. I did really like a few guys before, but I never admitted to them how much I liked them, because subconsciously, I guess that I thought that they would hurt me in some way.
That's why I'm staying single for now. Best of both worlds!
I don't really know if anybody else has been through any of this. I know that quite a lot of my friends have. And as petty as it sounds ... they are real. Such conditions and shaky mentalities do exist. I don't agree with Jaclyn's 'I don't give a damn about screwed up suicidal people who don't deserve my pity' theory...
You'd never know, you know. What if I didn't have amazing and supportive friends? What if my parents thought that I should be sent to an asylum because I cried everytime I got a B or everytime somebody brushed me aside?
I would probably be dead. And here I am, alive and healthy (...........).
I'm going to Singapore, not sure when will I return. Probably Sunday. @_@ This time, I'll be staying at my cousin's place ... which is cooler, I guess, since she has internet connection and two amazingly CUTE puppies.
And I'll get to see all the jack russell terriers at my aunt's place again.
I don't know why I wrote this post. I guess it's just a trip down memory lane from me. -__-
