Friday, December 02, 2005 || Not a girl, not yet a woman.
- Long long post ahead!
Liz is officially a free woman.
Well, not literally, since I've been free pretty much since, well, FOREVER. But that is a tale for another lovely day.
Anyway, I went to Megamall after school today to watch Just Like Heaven. And a pretty damn good movie, it was. Wanted to watch the highly acclaimed Harry Potter, but only front seats were available, and we didn't feel like craning our necks much. :P Watch Just Like Heaven, though! Reese Witherspoon was amazing and the guy was mesmerizing, in his own brooding way.
My dad headed for Singapore to visit my aunt today. Which is damn funny. Actually, I probably shouldn't blog about it, but I can't help it, its too priceless. Now, times like these, I THANK GOD my blog isn't 'big'. Anywayz, my aunt, she's apparently possessed by the spirits of some ancient ghost.
OMFG I can't help but laugh. I mean, it's supposed to be a traumatic time for my family, and I guess that I should pray, or grieve a bit... but what the f*ck?! POSSESSED MY ASS. Now my dad's rushing off to Sg to get a pastor or whatever to get some exorcism done. *cues ghost busters song*
Goddamn it, I KNOW my aunt (err, sort of.) and she's seriously just an attention whore. If I was in Eliza Lee Adventure Mode, I'd DEFINITELY tag along to witness the drama, and add some of my own. Plus, maybe if I sucker up to my cousins enough, they might bring me to Zouk or something and I could kiss Dawn Yang and XiaXue's ass there!
...... Yeah right.
But in the end, I decided to stay in KL because for one, I didn't exactly want to cancel on my friends. And besides, I don't want to leave my mum all alone in our house. (I'm a good daughter, right? I know!) Plus, my crazy aunt would drive me WILD with her crazy antics. Hehehe.
----------
... Liz had her first taste of adulthood today.
Pop the champagne, people! =)
Well, see, my dad gave me RM50 or so to 'buy necessities' to feed my mum's and my stomach for the next few days. So when I was on the way home from Megamall, best friend Jaclyn and I stopped by Central for some grocery shopping. Damn crazy, I'm telling you. Two deranged girls running around a shopping mall with a trolley ... NOT a pleasant scene.
And, well, I ended up spending about RM30 on canned mushrooms (cause I LOVE 'em, baby.), instant noodles, chicken drumsticks, cabbages, and other whatnots. And I'm speaking from the bottom of my heart ........
........ Damn sakit hati, man.
Rm 30!!! Down the drain! Just like *poof* that! You know ar, money isn't easy to come by?!? Plus its all food!
Damn sad case, I am. I'm not even EARNING my own money yet and I'm already so kiamsap. I was muttering under my breath for so long after that, Jaclyn nearly strangled me. -____-
I am not liking adulthood, if that's what it feels like.
Life is a cycle. You grow up in kindergarden looking forward to primary school, where boys wouldn't stink (that bad) and there'd been real canteens. You attend primary school, only to look forward to growing up. And once you're in secondary school ... most of us spend at least 50% of our time there lurking in the shadows of, well, ourselves. Thus we look forward to the end of high school, when we'd finally be able to close that chapter of our lives.
I guess, in a way, I'm my father's daughter. A lot more than I'd ever admit. The both of us spent half our lives dreaming that we were somewhere else. A storybook place where there'd be a pot of gold waiting for us at the end of our rainbows.
... But I DO realize that fairytales do not exist and that I must snap out of my trance, now.
You know, it's pretty scary. All of a sudden, I can't afford to make any mistakes or wrong decisions anymore. I can't choose the wrong school, like I did out of peer pressure in Std 6. My parents aren't going to pick up the pieces of my life and wipe away my tears ... Not then, not now. One wrong decision is all it takes to, well, crush my life as it is. A wrong course ... a wrong college ...
A lot of people whom I spoke to told me this: Don't be worried, enjoy your few months of holiday while you can! Still got time to plan lah! Relax and enjoy first!
I can't do that. I know that NOW is the time for me to quit messing around with my life, once and for all. You know, I think that I've been through quite a lot. I've been through nerdy times, times when I'd study till I'd fall on my knees and cried. I've been through fun times.
Which, I later traded the nerdy times for the fun ones. Because I was sick of being competitive and depressed all the time. I didn't want to see my school friends as my rivals, because that's what I tend to do, when I intend to accomplish something. And as sick as it sounds ... I think that all those As I've given up is worth the memories.
I'm determined to not let one certificate determine the course of my life.
That's why I'm afraid now. I really can't break down. I know of quite a few people who have changed courses and colleges numerous times ... But I can't do that. I can't afford to. Whatever I choose, now, is going to be my life.
Forever.
I can't break down in front of my family. The Lees are not scholars. We have never been. But one thing's for sure ...
We are survivors.
I can't let them down. I know that I come off as pretty, erm, empty headed most of the time, but trust me, boys and sex are NOT the only two things on my mind. In my household of three, I am the one buying dinner and lunch most of the time, when I'm not having exams. I am the one that knows how to 'fix' the TV and deal with the other electrical appliances in my house.
Welcome to my world.
But, by all means, I still adore my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. It's just that, well, I have this insanely escalating NEED in me to succeed in life and prove everybody wrong about me. My sister could do it. To 'pay off' what she owed my parents, she bought them a house, and a Camry.
And she doesn't even have a diploma, or a degree.
My parents keep on throwing that into my face, you know. I absolutely HATE it when people tell me how shitty their parents are for forcing them to take tuitions and get straight As yada yada ... But have you ever considered what it's like for them to EXPECT you to outdo someone, not academically, but in reality?
Yes, I know my life isn't as stressful as yours, but I have burdens and worries too, you know.
Right now, I'm scared of the future. I know you're probably bored of me talking about my obsession with journalism ... But I REALLY want to succeed in this. Things'd be a lot more easy for me if I didn't want it so badly. I could take up accounting or business, like almost 85% of my friends are, can't I? It wouldn't stress me out that much either, since I'd take it easily.
I'm afraid that I'll give up. I really am.
One thing that I'm even more afraid of is the thought of sleeping on my deathbed, with all these memories of my past that replays itself in my mind ...
... And I don't remember anything. I don't think that any amount of clubbing, having sex, men or food would make me proud of myself. I want to have fun. But I want to live for a good cause too.
There are millions of people in the world. I don't want to be just another face.
As hypocritical and cheesy as it sounds, I want to help people, and I want to live a meaningful life. I want people to remember me as 'Oh ... Eliza Lee? The girl who actually DID something in her life? (Not sure what's it gonna be yet, so nvm lah.)', NOT 'Eliza Lee? The gluttonous, bimbotic girl who parties for a living?'
Too bad, at this point of time, I'm almost clueless and very lost. And I hate myself for wanting money as well. -____-
I'm scared. I'm even having financial problems now, and I'm pretty worried about my college education.
