Friday, February 17, 2006 || A tribute to the weirdness of Life
- ... So I was thinking about my life. Well, my life in general, the people in my life, and etc ...
I'll have to say that I think that I am happy. Think, because you can never be sure, can you? Happiness is so subjective ... Like, what is it, really? The burst of joy you feel in your stomach whenever you see a loved one? The satisfaction of seeing life go your way?
But seriously, what IS life all about? All of us are going to die anyway. If you think about it in a 'wtf'ish way, you could even say that every step we all took ever since the day we were born itself, is a step leading to our coffins. And I don't really mean that in a morbid way ......
You know, there are some days when I think to myself, 'what the HECK am I doing here?'. I mean, seriously, I contribute almost NOTHING to society. I am just an average girl-next-door who likes food and cute guys, who happens to love herself a tad too much. I don't recycle, I don't do volunteer work, and I sure as hell don't save lives.
(Actually, I guess I should say that I don't usually think about serious stuff like these. Like any other shallow-minded chick out there, I usually think about what movie to catch or how to gain some extra cash. But I'm at a pretty confusing time of my life right now, with family problems and crossroads in life to deal with, thus the nonsensical ponderings.)
I wish that someone could tell me how to live life. Like, is there some kinda weird formula to an ideal lifestyle?
So two years ago, I made a decision. A decision to live my life to its fullest, to really REALLY live it exactly the way I want to. I can't say I regret it, because life was and still is pretty fun ... but to do it, I hurt my parents and maybe even other people along the way. Now I wonder if I should've done it any differently and maybe I should have gone down that 'Ah ... I sacrificed for my loved ones, I'm so cool' lane.
I don't do the things that I think are wrong. I don't do the things people want me to do, if I don't want to do it. I don't pretend to like the people I don't like.
Ah, digressing, speaking of people I don't like... Do you even know how fucking hypocritical some people can be? I do have friends, and because we're friends, we talk, right? Thus I know who they dislike. But sometimes, around the people they tell me they hate, they act so damn friendly and chatty that I think they deserve grammy awards.
As for me, I don't bother pretending to be friendly. I mean ... if I have nothing to say to somebody, why should I even say anything at all? I don't know, if you gave me two options:
a) Have somebody who hates me ignore my existence.
b) Have somebody who hates me come up to me, act all friendly and chatty, and backstab me behind my back
... I'd go for a.
Which is why my friends have the nerve to tell me to learn how to be chatty around the people I don't like. O_o Because, ah, it'd do good for my rep, right? But I don't freaking need to learn how to be friendly ... I can talk when I want to, you know. I just don't like feeling like a hypocrite. =(((
Even that alone reminds me that I think that I'll never really get to live life my own way. So I should succumb to the masses and listen to what people tell me to do, right? After all, if they didn't care about me, why would they advice me in the first place?
But what if I lived a totally mediocre, normal life, studying my ass off in a mediocre college, with mediocre and goody friends ...... and say, while I'm bathing, I suddenly get electrocuted and I die?
I would NOT be happy okay. I need to live my own life. I need to someday skinny dip in some exotic place in the middle of nowhere. I SO do not want to die a virgin, because that would be totally sad.
I really, really don't want to live someone else's life. So what if other people are richer/better/more successful? I want memories, man, not certificates. Because on my deathbed, I want to think back on my life and remember all the happy times I had laughing with the people I love, and not the hours I spent in some ugly office.
But my parents can't understand that. They want me to live a totally normal and predictable life ... which I sort of understand, because my family is sort of crazy and dysfunctional. So much that they want ME to live a normal life so that they don't have to spend the rest of their lives worrying about me, like they do with my sister and the other crazy ones.
But these things ... I think that they're in our genes. The details of how crazy my family is should be kept private, for their sake, though my best friends know about them. I don't want to be like them, but I'll admit that I admire some of them because their lives are ... theirs.
I wish that I was born with more guts. Among all the people in my family (and extended family) of my generation, I am the most passive one. Like, for example, I saw this majorly cute guy in the bus, alone, on Valentines day. I kept on staring at him (cause I had nothing else to do anyway, yo) and there were times when he'd look back and there'd be that freaky-but-nice eye contact thing. If it was my older sister ... she'd definitely have talked to him and got his number, and maybe even a date, because she is SO smooth. But me ... I am too passive and too shy.
Which makes me feel soooooooo sad. =(
But I have only ONE opportunity to live, and I am definitely going to live life. My own way. Screw what other people think of me, screw the standards of the masses, I only aim to please myself. And not hurt other people in the process, of course.
My parents want a rich and successful daughter. Guys want skinny girls who wear pink skirts. But I'll make my parents happy, one way or other ... and as for the guy bit, I will never, ever change the person I am for some dude who follows his pointer in life. I am not going to starve myself or puke after food yo, nor am I gonna be some manja girly girl with pink flowers in my hair. The last stupid boyfriend I had was a year and a half ago ... I'm still alive, and I will continue surviving. o_O
Dear Life, let's shake hands and make peace with each other. =) Let's be good friends, okay?
Because I am going to own you.
