Monday, January 09, 2006 || Lost.
- *** Liz's Newsflash *** (I figured that I'll continue this, for the sake of writing random tidbits that aren't related to the post :p)
- Okay, updated my links again. I feel like conjuring up a very sharp, imaginary pole and smacking my face with it for being so particular about stupid things ... My blog, for instance. Who gives a flying cow what blogs I link to, right? :( But for some reason, if a blog on my 'good reads' list stops being updated or something, I HAVE to take it off ...
And oh, added a couple of links as well. *sheepish grin* Have been reading a lot of new blogs lately ... - Have you ever tasted rotten milk?
OMG, I accidentally drank a whole mouthful of ROTTEN milk yesterday. I swear, it tastes like warm puke. Literally. I should really whack myself again for being so blur ... Though admittedly, if I whack my head too much, it'd probably only result in me being stupider than I already am. Aih.
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Emo, personal and LONG LONG post ahead. I know I should stop writing long posts like this, but in a really weird way, it's my remedy.
Hmm, went to my ex church today, instead of EBC. Cause Joshua (... Now, why the heck are there so many people named Joshua??) called me up during Christmas, much to my surprise, and since I was in touch with Joshua, Mei Er and all again, I decided that I'd pop by to visit the place.
For old time's sake. Besides ... For some reason, I miss those guys a lot. Especially Mei Er, she's DEFINITELY an amazing, crazy person.
Once upon a time, that place, that routine was a part of my life ... One that took me quite a lot of guts (or sheer rashness?) to let go off, and move on to EBC... How I ultimately made my move to EBC is a story for another day. Not that anybody'd be interested, heh.
The irony of it all ... Me, one of the founding members of that church, growing up with most of the youth there ... When I entered the premises today, two youths I did not recognize greeted me.
"Hi, Welcome! What's your name, first time here, right?"
I could only smile a weak smile and introduce myself. I haven't been gone that long, have I? And of course, I was soon rescued by my friends. So ironic ... :p I felt like a stranger in a familiar land. When I glanced at the pulpit, at the keyboard which I used to run my fingers along every week, the same guitars ... With Dav worship leading with an accoustic guitar and someone I did not know as the keyboardist, I couldn't help but think, 'Hey, you know, if I had not left, I'd be up there right now ... Hmmm.'
Time flew by for me, and suddenly, I've realized how much my life has changed. That the people around me have been changing and evolving as well, though I can't seem to point out how they've changed.
Have I changed? I feel the same. Yet, I know that I'm different from the 'old' me. Yeah, physically, I've put on more weight (HAHA!) ... But as a person, how have I changed?
Today, I've realized that in a way, my mother has changed. Maybe it's because I haven't been spending that much time with her, though I should. Suddenly, when she was having tea with me in Secret Recipe just now, I saw a spark in her eyes that I have not seen for a very, very long time. She told me this:
"Girl, you know you have to fight for the things you believe in, right? Please fight, okay? I never did ... You don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting, the way I did. Whatever you want, whatever you believe in ... Don't let it go."
She has always been a soft-spoken woman. That caught me off guard. In a good way, I guess ...
A few days ago, I met an old friend of mine ... And when we chatted about our plans for the future, I told him that I was going to pursue journalism, for sure.
"But Journalism ... No money wan wor."
I eagerly explained that I did not care about money and that I was going to do it no matter what because I love writing, and that I wanted to dedicate it entirely to Him ... Then, something totally different hit me --- Oh crap, when was the last time I actually WROTE something, besides the stupid shit on my blog?
So in that sense, I guess I failed myself. Being disappointed with other people is one thing --- Being disappointed in yourself, however, is a thousandfold more painful. O_o
Enough about my lame journalist-wannabe crap. Moving on.
A few days ago, I was hanging out with my best friend, Jaclyn. Anyway, when we were crossing this road, the weirdest feeling/illusion ever struck me. I suddenly felt headlights on me ... You know, car headlights? When in actuality, there were no cars on that road...
For a moment, it felt like I was almost hit by a car. FELT.
When we reached the other side, something even weirder happened.
Jaclyn: "Hey dude ... What would you do if a car banged us just now?"
... Which led to a very very long and freaky discussion. Cause it was TOO COINCIDENTIAL. *mutters* Deja vu ...
I wonder what would happen when one dies ... Will there be a blinding white light? Will your whole life be replayed before your eyes, like a movie? Intriguing, Death is. =/ Thinking about it, I almost feel scared. Almost.
I am a bit stunned right now, and I'm typing out this post in a zombie-like state. Reflexes, that's all it is. I found out that this guy, my group leader from last year's camp actually, is diagnosed with Leukemia. The worst part of it was that when his younger brother told me about it, I actually thought that he was crapping, because he said it in a very, um, light manner. Then, I started wondering ... I mean, nobody would joke about something like that, right? Jac thought it was a joke too. =/
And now that I've found out that it's for real, I feel a weird, sinking feeling in me. I did not speak to him much last year, I only remember him as the nice, friendly group leader who performed the main character in the Bollywood sketch... And I did not even believe his younger bro.
I really really pray that he'll get through this.
In a weird sense, I feel that He's trying to tell me something, with the whole freaky car accident thing, and my mother suddenly urging me to reach for what I believe in. I know what I believe in ... but is it enough? It isn't just about ME anymore. I can't bear to hurt or disappoint the people I love, not anymore. Suddenly, I feel like I'm back in form 3 or form 4 again ...... Lost.
I have many, many more things to write, but I figure that since it is already 3 a.m, I should stop rambling on, or I'll end up pulling another all-nighter.
I asked Him again, 'How could this be?',
That the world is filled with such misery ...
Broken hearts, deception and foolish lies,
I'll never be strong enough to hold on and rise.
He shook His head and smiled down at me,
'My child, I love you,' He said tenderly,
'My promises I'll fulfill, you will see',
'For I came into darkness to set you free'.
Love you people. For once, I think that I meant it. :p
