Tuesday, December 13, 2005 || of my religion and so-called emo state.
- I realized that blogger has a blogger for word program that allows its users to write and publish posts directly from Microsoft word. And if you haven't read my previous post, which I think that I'll delete soon due to its lameness [wah cheh, perfectionist sial ...], my keyboard is currently bonkers and my shift keys aren’t working. But thank you Microsoft, Microsoft word has a auto word check feature which automatically edits my sentences. Though I still can't use exclamation, question marks and all.
With a pen in my mouth, a glass of iced coke beside my keyboard and a perfectly lovely and silent atmosphere, I really should not be experiencing this so-called 'emo' state and writer’s block.
So today, my youth pastor called me up and asked me to do an article for our upcoming Christmas issue. Which, of course, I agreed to do, since my previous articles were all published in the youth section anyway. But this feels weird ... damn weird. I would have to say that it's an almost inexplicable feeling.
When my last article was published in the newsletter, words cannot describe how hypocritical I felt when I reread it ...... it simply wasn't the real 'me'. I'm lazy to find the article now, but I think that one of my sentences went something like this, 'just the way jesus loved us, we should love one another just the same way'
...... which caused quite an uproar. Even my own blood mother laughed when she read it. -.-
The thing is, I hate feeling degraded. I guess that it’s safe to say that I don't practice 'loving others' very much, much less loving strangers. =/ and yes, you're right, Jaclyn --- the past few months, I have been suffering a bit of withdrawal symptoms from my religion and faith. Suddenly, it all just doesn't seem that simple anymore.
I can totally relate to non-christians who hate Christians because of the holy facades and 'believe, or rot in hell' manners they tend to put on. Seriously, no freaking person on earth would take the phrase 'oh shit, if you don't believe in jesus, you are soooo going to hell' easily. Honestly, if I wasn't a Christian and somebody said that to me, I'd puke on his/her shoes. O.o I know how annoying it is. What difference is it when you have people in your life going, 'eliza, your life is so screwed. You're even hanging out with high-school dropouts, for god's sake. You're just going to turn out like them some day.'
To which I usually retort with ... 'so what if I turn out like them/ [sorry ah, cannot put question mark, keyboard spoilt] they are good people. And my life is not screwed.'
One time I was talking to a friend [if I'm not mistaken I think it's darien ... I think] about god, he said this to me, 'if only you self-righteous and holy people are garnered access to heaven, with even good people going to hell ... then I shall happily hop on the train ride to hell.'
Oddly enough, I can relate to that.
Which brings me to the Christmas article ... if it's about Christmas, and is supposedly going to be published in a Christian newsletter, it'd undoubtedly have to be about love. You know, the whole giving, receiving and loving gist. But for now, I kinda doubt that I'm qualified to write something like this [or anything else, really]. I really really hate to disappoint my youth pastor, but I hate to disappoint myself as well ... I can't write about loving and giving when I myself do not practice it. I am nowhere near perfect – nowhere close to being a 'good' person. Though of course, I don't think that I'm that bad either. Hehehe.
Which is why, if you have been following my blog since October or so, you'd notice that my blog has swerved in its direction... back then, all my posts were brainless, bimbotic and totally disconnected from me. =/
'I like your older posts more ... they were more entertaining'
'so do i. but back then, I was traffic-whoring [haha, motive sudah keluar.] and unattached to my blog since it was so new ... but now I can't help but want to write about me, to reveal what kind of a person I am, and not care about an audience anymore ...'
'so why did you traffic whore in the first place/'
'cause it was fun.'
Literally a conversation between a friend and I, just a few hours ago. Actually, when I really think about it, my blog really does reflect what kind of a person I am. I started it because of curiosity, I indulged in it because it was new and fun … and later, it becomes a weird part of me that I can't bear to lie to. Hehe. I’m so weird, hor.
Back to religion, I'm at a phase of life that I'm not sure anymore if Christianity is meant for someone like me. Actually, when I really evaluate my personality, I'm definitely a natural atheist. Though I still hate science. Heh. I'm so rebellious, stubborn and somewhat ridiculously unordinary. I once spent 6 hours bitching with my best friend on how some parents [maybe even ours, inclusive ...] are ruining their kid's lives. I once wrote a few thousand word essay on why I thought that our education system sucked ass. [sorry arh, I was too fanatical back then .. but now I'm okay already.]
So in all my lan c-ness [only sometimes lah, most of the time I'm friendly hehehe], stubbornness and flaws ... what will ever convince me that I'll ever be good enough to be a christian, much less write christian articles [insert question mark here]
... but despite all my doubts and apprehensiveness, I'll still always believe in god. Cause well ... at the darkest point of my life, he saved me. Literally. Thus, I know that he's real. The feelings are real, the emotions I feel etc etc are the real deal. Maybe you could call me deluded, that I’m merely seeking an empty solace from a legendary figure that I've never met ... but I trust myself enough to be able to differentiate between reality and illusions. This is not just a passing kind of love, not the type of love I had for all those little boys [hahahaha] that I thought I used to like.
But the thing is, despite knowing that he's real ... I still doubt myself. Bah. I do not want to turn into a self-righteously judgmental, religious freak. So don't worry, I will never ever preach the gospel in my entries or anything like that. Heh. This entry was written only because I'm feeling a bit emo right now. The way I see it, the only way to spread our religions 'rightly' is by living a life that glows, so that other people'd feel inspired by it. Not literally glowing lah.
I have no idea how to write a Christian article on love. I don't love enough. Sniff. I’m so going to be killed ... though I doubt that he'll kill me, since I think that he does love all of his youth. Bwahaha.
Of course, by all means, I love all my friends, my family, and my dog. And everybody who still bothers to visit this shithole of mine, though it has become so dull and un-dramatic. Hahahaha.
