Monday, September 19, 2005 || A point amidst the pointlessness
- Okay, I'll admit this much --- the previous vlogging post was pretty pointless. But, you see, I'm just satisfying my curiousity to see what I'd actually look like when I talk in impromptu mode (Yes, I've concluded that I look retarded). And no, See Hoon, I wasn't talking in the nude, just wearing a sleeveless T, like I always do when I'm rotting away in my hot, humid house on a lazy Saturday afternoon.
And no, it probably wouldn't be my last vlogging attempt, though if I ever try it again, I'll definitely at least come up with something worth talking about and stop looking so nervous. I've honestly gave it some thought, and like Binnie from MB said, vlogging is probably a sure-fire way for all your privacy to be invaded upon. But, heck, nobody even reads my blog/vlog/whatever anyway. :S I generally think that vlogging is pretty much the same as the multitude of bloggers that cam-whore on a regular basis. Because, well, its still the same face looking out from the computer screen. But as for me, I'm pretty apprehensive about posting too many pictures on my blog, because I can remember the time my friend got her picture from Friendster edited by some asshole in very non-flattering ways, and the time my best friend and I got our pictures posted on her ex boyfriend's blog, as he generously dedicated an entire post to us, describing our seemingly back-stabbing natures. And for another, as far as I can tell, based on my very shallow video-editing experience, it is VERY hard for someone to do anything really nasty with a video, unless you're a pro. =D
Well, that is not the point of this post. I'm actually pondering about the point of this whole blog.
And, on a more serious note, the point of my life.
I actually started this blog because I got bored. And, I wanted to have an extra place for me to store my creative (or UNcreative) works. So, voila, hence a new blog is born in the ever-expanding blogosphere. Of course, it's just way too bad that majority, if not all, of my friends think that writing and blogging is 'lame', and if they actually ever bother to read this, they're probably just hoping to find some juicy gossip written by the Rebellious Nut, Eliza Lee. Unfortunately, I doubt that I'll actually mention anybody here, not like I used to rant about anybody and anything in my previous blog.
Since a long time ago, I've been wondering about the purpose of my existence. Honestly, I've been through quite a lot of crap in my life, and its at the lowest points of my life that I wonder: What the heck IS the point of this? It's just nonsensical. I wasn't even given a choice on my birth, and there are times when I do think that I'd have chosen to not be born at all in the first place.
However, after so many years of ranting and indulging myself in various forms of self-pity, I have come to the conclusion that Life isn't really about myself. It involves other people, as well, and that's why it's called an adventure and journey. Because, really, who'd want to venture on a journey alone? So that's where my friends came into the picture. And yes, even though I'm not Miss Popular in school, and I'm not the cheery, perky girl that everyone's drawn to --- I have amazing people in my life. Not a lot, but enough for me to feel very loved at times.
It was just a few months ago, when I volunteered to help out as a Teacher's Assistant at an All Kid's camp when I realized how messed up our generation is. I mean, yes, most of our flaws are pretty much covered up, but when you dig deeper, the scars are SO visible. Meeting incredibly lovable, cute and simply amazing kids, who use words like 'bitch' and 'hell' on a regular basis was definitely an eye opener. And if that's what it's like being a kid now, what'll be like for them to be teenagers? O_o
Given that, I've always believed that our generation is the one with the most potential to achieve greatness and really be able to right all the wrongs. Because, for one, we probably have the resources to do so. Like, for instance, even by blogging alone, you'd probably be able to influence many people, especially for bloggers like xiaxue, who gets at least 14k readers per day. Of course, whether they choose to or not, is an entirely different story. And everybody has different priorities and goals in life, anyway.
Well, I do want to make a difference. I wish that, more than anything in the world, I'd be able to play a role in mending the flaws in our lives and country. But, really, who am I to say that? Everything that I reflect is pretty much sort of negative. I'm the queen of truancy and blacksheep of my class, for I don't give two cent's worth for the rules that I disagree with, and I'm the type of kid your mum'd probably ask you to avoid. I wouldn't even blame you if you really did avoid me. I'm so aware that I'm not living a picture perfect life, but the irony is, I don't even want to. I really, really do not want a mediocre life, working in a stable, 9 to 5 job just to pay the bills. I want to try bungee-jumping. I want to sail with Operation Mobilisation on their ship. I want to skinny-dip in the deserted rivers in the forests of Manchuria (which I heard from my sister, that place is paradise). Well, that was uncalled for, but you get the picture.
I don't know. John Ling was talking about Slavery Redeption yesterday, and that got me fascinated. I mean, yeah, why would anybody risk their lives merely to save other lives? But honestly, if it was my dream in life to save other people, I think I wouldn't mind. Lol. Because, let's say, if I can save 10 people and die for it, it'll be well worth it, wouldn't it? Of course, dying is one thing. Suffering is another. I'm not so much afraid of death, as it will happen with time, but I generally am fearful of pain. Sheesh, yet another obstacle in my life.
So basically, everybody's different. I'm quite fed up of people judging my friend, C, who recently dropped out of school, and I'm absolutely sick of all the judgemental comments that people hand me on how I'm "screwing up my life". For one, it's sad to say that she didn't have the willpower to fight back, C dropped out of school because she found no point in studying stupid subjects that she thinks has nothing to do with her future, and also because the whole schooling environment is a freaking popularity contest. As for me, I'm well aware that I'm taking a LOT of risks in my life, and that some of them are not even worth taking, but at least I'll find out for myself, right? I might regret living life the way I am, today, but honestly, if you were to ask me to relive my life again, I wouldn't change a thing.
I'm embarking on an adventure that I'm planning to write for myself. No regrets. And perhaps, one day I will make a difference, instead of letting Circumstances make a difference in me.
Okay, gotta go shopping, peace. ^^
