Tuesday, September 06, 2005 || Heaven in Your Smile
- I wrote this when I was facing a particularly hard time some time last December. Somehow, this story just means a lot to me.
Love... A word most of us can't even begin to understand. Bringing laughter to our eyes and tears to some, it is a term so strong that many crave for it and are willing to die for it. Many of us have spent a lifetime wishing to be embraced by love and its powerful forces, seeking fulfillment in its sweet promises. As for me, my discovery of love left me with nothing more than a fond memory and a lesson which I'll hold close till eternity.
When I was younger, friendship meant nothing more to me than having someone to chatter with gaily during lunch and someone to gossip with over the phone. I often wondered about love, something my parents bestowed upon and taught me. I could see it in their eyes when they kissed my forehead before I slept and I detected it in the loving glances and secret smiles they shared all the time. My childish mind concluded at that time that Love was something you possessed when there was Someone in this world who'd always be beside you to hold you close and wipe away your tears when the skies were gray. Love was like a rainbow after rain, a sweet promise, clear blue skies with bluebirds humming and forget-me-nots swaying with the wind on endless fields of green.
"Have you ever been in love, Isaac?" I earnestly asked, lying sprawled on the grass staring at the cloudless blue sky. I turned to my left and baby blue eyes bored into mine quizzically while strong lips parted to utter: "I don't know, Tess." He threw a sideway glance at me and sat up straight, flashing a lop-sided grin that showed off even, white teeth at me. "Why the sudden interest...?" He teased, his blue eyes seemingly dancing in the twilight. I smiled a small smile and plucked a small flower beside me. "I don't know, Isaac. I've never loved anyone before, I think. I'd like to fall in love, though!" I chattered on excitedly while he playfully leaned over and ruffled my hair.
Isaac was my neighbor and have been ever since we were kids. He was like the brother I never had and we knew each other just like the back of our hands. Almost every memory of childhood we shared together-the laughter, the tears and the heartbreaks. I remember him helping me to my feet the first time I fell of my bicycle and I was there crying with him when his parents got separated. The memories we shared would fill a thousand pages and I believe that the smiles and the laughters accumulated over the years would never be able to be fully captured with merely a paper and a pen.
"So who are you bringing?" I whined, "Our prom's in two months and you haven’t gotten an idea of which girl you're bringing?" Isaac didn't seem to budge and he just threw me a lazy smile. I faked a look of exasperation and secretly threw my friend an admiring glance. Standing at 6 feet, Isaac was tall and lanky with baby blue eyes and wavy black hair that seemed to sway in rhythm with nature. His laughing eyes and lopsided grin never failed to brighten up my day and when he caught me staring at him, he threw me his trademark lopsided grin and I looked away, embarrassed.
High school was a breeze for me. Filled with parties, gatherings and endless fun, I was having the time of my life. I was cheery, young and popular and the thorns and pricks in my life seemed to be overshadowed by the endless chatter and howling laughter. Most of all, I was in love. And for that moment, it seemed like it was all that mattered.He was tall and good looking with sparkly white teeth and he literally swept me off my feet. All the holes and doubts in my life were filled and he was my everything. My knight in shining armor, sent from the heavens to whisk me off my feet with strong arms that I could drown in. I was never happier, never more fulfilled and I spent every minute I could with my newfound prince.
"Hey, Tess, want to come over later? My mum just baked some apple pie ... "A familiar voice echoed behind me. I turned around and gazed into those eyes that were once so familiar to me and I hastily replied: "I'm sorry, Isaac. I'm just on my way to have lunch with Brandon ... " Isaac glanced at me and nodded and for a moment, I thought I detected a trace of sadness and maybe something much more in his blue eyes. A part of my heart was yelling at me, yelling out unforgotten memories and the promises of friendship we once shared but the more selfish voice inside of me brushed that weak voice aside.
My apparent happiness didn't turn out to be everlasting or something that only happened once in a lifetime. My first love left my life and brought all its color along with him. I was left deserted and battered, an empty shell cracked by sleepless nights and a heart that seemed crushed beyond repair. The tears were endless and I clung on tightly to the dreams of Yesterday. They were my only solace and comfort. I tuned out everything that once mattered to me in life as there was no space, no space for anything else besides the memories of the love I once had and brutally lost.
One night, I lay sprawled on the familiar grass of my backyard, staring at the starry blue sky with tear-stained cheeks and wary eyes tired from crying. Suddenly, I felt a familiar presence beside me and I allowed myself to be held tightly as I cried into strong shoulders which were always there for me. Somehow, a sense of peace I hadn't felt in a long time crept into my heart and when I smiled a weak smile into those baby blue eyes, I could see sadness and hurt clouding in his eyes... and love.
"I'm sorry I lied to you ... ", he whispered as he held me closer, "It wasn't true when I said I didn't love any girl. I love you."I felt a deep nudge in my heart and I instantly pulled away. "I'm sorry ..." I whispered back, "But I don't love you."
Time flew by quickly since that memorable night. I avoided Isaac as best as I could even though I still caught him gazing at me with doleful eyes from time to time. Somehow, what happened in my backyard that memorable night seemed to have given me renewed strength to move on. Soon, the nightmares became less and the smiles slowly returned. It was soon time for my senior prom and I found myself thinking of Isaac as I got ready for it. I gazed at my black satin gown, feeling for the first time a hint of sadness that I'd be going alone. I slowly walked down the stairs and when I found a single blue forget-me-not, my favorite flower on my doorstep, I couldn't stop myself from smiling. Isaac remembered ...
"You want WHAT?" Isaac burst out in laughter and choked on his drink. "Why a blue forget-me-not?" He questioned, his dark eyebrows rising. "Because it's my favorite flower and if I ever fall in love and have a man fall in love with me, I'd like him to give me a blue forget-me-not on our senior prom…" I said dreamily smiling into space. Isaac shook his dark head, smiled his lopsided smile at me and affectionately tousled my hair.
I smiled at the memory of the both of us having that conversation together during our lunch period in Junior High School. It seemed just like yesterday-the memory so fresh. Yet, so much has changed since then. I gently held the blue flower in my hands and suddenly I felt a hurdle of emotions start to rain upon me. My eyes clouded over and suddenly it hit me-I was in love with Isaac. I realized that I really, really loved him and the love I felt wasn't filled with cotton candy and fake promises but it was founded on years of friendship and trust that slowly built a strong wall of loyalty and love.The waves of happiness that hit me was almost uncontrollable. I felt happy tears well up in my eyes and I was half-laughing as I ran towards the big brick house beside mine. I simply had to tell Isaac how much I loved him too.
I was shocked to see two police cars parked outside their beautiful house. A feeling of huge dread slowly caressed me as I stared numbly at the sight of Isaac's mother sobbing fervently as his father held her tightly with a glazed look on his face. I ran as I never ran before towards them and cried: "What happened? Where's Isaac?" His mother slowly looked at me with blood-shot eyes and she slowly choked out her words, words that still ring in my mind. "Isaac ... accident ... drunk driver... he's in the ambulance ..." she slowly said. The words struck me like a bolt of lightning and I was numb-my mind went blank and I dropped the blue forget-me-not and ran towards the ambulance. There was my Isaac, lying helplessly in the ambulance as paramedics fussed around him. There was blood all over and his face was deathly pale as a paramedic threw me a sympathetic glance and a shake of a head. His eyes seemed to light up when he felt and saw me clutching his hand while tears rained down my face. "I'm so sorry, Isaac." I whispered between sobs. "I lied too when I said I didn't love you. I do ... I love you so much." I felt him try to tighten his grip as he slowly flashed me a weak grin.
It was the last time I ever saw his lopsided grin.
It has been years since Isaac left and nothing has changed. I still always lie sprawled on the grass of my backyard, staring at the sky. The only difference was that there wasn’t anyone beside me to make me laugh or ruffle my hair anymore. The memories Isaac and I shared were still strong and sometimes there'd be tears in my eyes when I daydreamed of how life could be like if things had turned out differently. Isaac left me a lesson in my heart and taught me a thing or two about true love and friendship. True love is unfading with time and is blissfully real, so real that you could almost taste it. It doesn't take long hugs and tender kisses to be in love... Love is knowing that you’ll never leave or feel differently for that special someone, even though you may not be with him or her. Love is smiling when your loved one is laughing and crying together when your true love is crying. Just simply the way Isaac loved me-sweet, irreplaceable and true. I gazed at the starry sky and thought about Isaac again-his teasing eyes and contagious laughter and finally, for the first time in years, I smiled a real smile. The beautiful stars were twinkling down at me and I could almost see Isaac smiling down at me from Heaven, telling me how much he still loves me.
