A Different Kind of Loss

Loss. What is it about loss? Losing something we hold dear to our hearts, an object of affection that has gone tarnished? I never knew what loss, true loss meant. Everything could be redeemed, couldn't it? A missing bicycle may be found, a lost child may return safely to her parent's arms with the help of a good Samaritan, and even a house, burnt down by fire, could be rebuilt. At least, that was what I thought.

I've lost many precious things in life. My first term report, my favourite pillow and the first picture my best friend and I took together, all of which I've lost through a certain period of time. And my child-like mind began to grasp the fact that maybe there were things in life that weren’t redeemable, that once gone, certain things could never be the same again.

***

"Um, I think that we’re going off-key ... " Theresa muttered under her breath. I placed my guitar on my bed and rolled my eyes at my sister. "It's just a church presentation, Tess. It's no big deal...you'd think that we're auditioning for Broadway, the way you're taking this so seriously. I mean, I bet that most of those Aunties and Uncles are tone deaf, anyway." Theresa glared at me and pushed me off the bed, reminding me that a church presentation was a very serious thing indeed, and that we'd be performing on a day that just so happened to be my birthday.

Theresa and I were inseparable. Despite our differences, we still managed to stay as close as ever, our sisterly bond proved to be almost unbreakable. Many people found it odd that we were sisters as we looked as different as any two people could be. Theresa was of average height and slightly pudgy, with short hair and big, doleful brown eyes while I was tall and lanky with long, flowing black hair. And of course, there was the tantalizing mystery that we were both born in the same year but different dates. As we were growing up, we'd ponder together and try to solve the overwhelming mystery, but our parents gradually told us the truth along the way. Theresa wasn't really my sister ... not in the scientific sense, anyway. She was actually the daughter of my mother's best friend, who passed away after giving birth to her. And because her father's whereabouts were unknown, my parents decided to raise Theresa up as one of their own.

But that didn’t change our bond ... even though I was mildly bothered about it when I found out the truth about us, Theresa still managed to smile her cheerful smile at me and wiped my tears off my cheeks, even though it ought to have been her who was crying. We were still sisters in every way. Still sisters, in the truest sense of the phrase.

***

How did it all fall apart? Maybe it was my first visit to the hospital that did it. Or maybe it was the way she fainted while singing Happy Birthday to me ... or perhaps it was merely it was the way she told me, simply, that she would leave me soon in her usual cheerful manner.

"I have cancer, Rachel. The doctors said that I may not be able to live for a very long time ..." Theresa softly said, lying sprawled across the dreary hospital bed, silent tears welling up in the corner of her eyes. "Pray for me, okay? I'll need God to keep me strong ..."

I slowly edged away from the bed and stared at her, willing the tears to stop flowing. "If God was real, He wouldn't let you die, Tess. He wouldn't let a person like you get sick. He wouldn't take you away from us when we need you so much ..." I choked out, ignoring her cries as I ran out of the room.

***

'Where are you, God?' I wondered again, staring at the cloudy skies, listening to the rhythm of the raindrops from my windowsill. I glanced at my bible, which was now covered with speckles of dust, remaining untouched for almost a year. It has been six months since Theresa left this world. And even though she suffered the way many of us couldn't even begin to understand, she still managed to leave the world behind with a smile on her face. The irony of it all was that I was the one who seemed to be crying through it all, not her ... I could never grasp why would she be taken away from us in this cruel fashion.

'I needed her, God. She was my best friend, my inspiration and the only sister that I'll ever know. Why did You take her away from me? Don't you love me?' My heart cried out as the tears started rolling down my cheeks again. I thought of the way she used to encourage me, the way she'd always manage to find a way to stand after a hard fall, and the way she smiled when she was in pain.

"Do you know what my dreams are, Rachel?" Theresa hoarsely said, lying across the familiar bed after a chemotherapy session. I looked away, not wanting her to see the pain in my eyes and said "I know you've always wanted to be a teacher." She smiled and shook her head. "Nope. I've always dreamed of making a difference in this world, to spread God's love to everybody I meet, to touch lives." For the first time ever, I could see sadness shadowing her eyes. "Looks like I won't be able to do it, huh?"

"You’ve already done it, sis. You touched my life in ways nobody else ever could." I told her as we hugged each other tightly, feeling the hot tears trickling down our cheeks, afraid of what tomorrow may bring.

I opened my eyes, still remembering every memory of the night she passed away. I looked across my room and my gaze lingered on the photograph that we both took together a few months back, a picture we both decided to stick on our bedroom wall. Feeling a familiar nudge in my heart, I said the first silent prayer I ever said in a long while. As I prayed, I could feel the soft touches of the evening breeze across my face, as though an angel was with me, stroking my face as I cried out to God. And when the prayer ended, it felt as thought the air had suddenly went still. For the first time in almost a year, I felt as though I could feel God's love again and as I turned around, I noticed that the picture of us had fallen off the wall. I reached for it and realized that there were words written behind it.

Dear Rachel,

I know that you'll find this, somehow. It may seem weird, but I feel like God is calling me, beckoning me to return to Him ... and I just wanted you to know that He does love you, the way He still loves me. And that I love you too. You're the most amazing gift God has ever given me, and in my heart, we'll always be sisters and friends, no matter what happens next. This bible verse has kept me going on, and I'm sure it will do the same for you, too.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

Stay strong, Rach. I know you will. When I'm gone, continue pursuing your dreams and never lose faith in them. I'll always be there for you... even from heaven, I'll still be smiling down at you.

Love,

Theresa

I felt myself slowly smile as I read the words in front of me. I gazed out of the window and realized that the rain has stopped, grey clouds slowly parted for the sunlight to beam across and touch earth's surface. I finally understood what loss was about. It was not about suffering ... Losing something or someone precious to you is painful, but even though they could never be found again, the memories, dreams and tears will never be lost.

I lost my best friend, my role-model and my sister, but maybe God does work in mysterious ways. He must’ve placed Theresa in my life for a reason, to teach me many things I'll never learn on my own ... and I did learn. I've learnt that some things will never vanish in thin air. There are many things in this world that could never be lost, like love, truth and hope. And like my memories of Theresa, the bond and love we shared will withstand the shadows of time, pain and even death. Because I'll see her someday soon, after I have accomplished the purposes and dreams God has placed in my life.

In my mind, I think Theresa must’ve been smiling when she left because she knew she had already achieved her dreams. She made a difference and touched the lives of many people... she definitely touched mine, for sure.