Tuesday, February 07, 2006 || Speaking of judgemental assholes ...
... I just watched Brokeback Mountain. Wah, I didn't really expect a gay movie to make me feel this emo, but the show was seriously haunting...
If I was a guy, and I watched Brokeback Mountain, I swear I'd go gay. So damn romantic, okay? ... In a really weird sense, anyway. Haha!
And I don't blame Jack Twist for falling in love with Ennis. Do you even realize how SEXY Heath Ledger is?
Oh God, I could stare at his face all day, just staring and appreciate the sheer BEAUTY of it. So gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.
(I know I whined before about how I found guys who whine on and on about liking an out-of-league hot girl annoying, but I'm different. I'm not whining. I'm just, ah, appreciating.)
Of course, some of the love scenes made me go 'UHHH ......', because it was so convincing, I really applaud the cast. You could pay me a million bucks to act lesbo, but I just wouldn't look that convincing, you know?
... Or alternatively, if you already think that I'm lesbo, you should go give yourself a nice, long, wank. =)
Anyway, the movie made me feel a bit sad, because it was so real. So forbidden, yet real, you know?
Like when a married man, trapped in a loveless marriage, falls in love with another woman, because she understands him in ways his wife never will.
Or when a lonely woman, striving to fill that loneliness in her heart, sleeps around with different men, just because she wants to feel loved. Even if it's just an illusion of it.
See, these people, most of us, especially those of us who have religions ... we find their actions wrong. Because who can justify being unfaithful to your husband or wife, after the vows they made together on their wedding day? I think it's wrong, I really do.
But thinking from another POV, you can't really control when you fall in love, you know? ... And it must be hard, facing judgemental and condescending faces, knowing how shunned you are.
And I was thinking ... what if my husband or son tells me he's gay?
WAH LIAO. Okay, so assuming I marry a totally drop-dead gorgeous mat salleh, and we have many gorgeous eurasian kids together, my son will probably look like this:
... And I will go
"NO!!! YOU MUST HAVE BABIES. I don't care! I want your grandbabies, cause they will be damn cute! ARGHHH!"
Anyway, it probably won't happen, because I'll encourage my kids to date from a very very young age and let them watch romance movies. =)))) HAHA!
Jk.
Hmm...
I have a cousin who's gay, but he doesn't have it too hard for him, because his family are athiests. And you know, I still love him anyway, because blood is thicker than water, and he's an incredible person.
Actually, for one, I fucking hate (eh, I haven't cursed in such a long time, let me release a bit, can? :( ) judgemental people.
Like, random people who judge others and brush them off just because they think that they're better, prettier, holier, or whatever. I have met my share of such people; people who smirked at my fugly hair back then (sorry to disappoint you fuckers, my hair looks okay now =) ), people who have preached at me and chastised me for not loving God enough, just because I skip school, people who have complained to ME about MY best friend just because they don't like her...
And because I know how it feels like, how fucking BAD it feels to be treated like a worthless piece of shit, even if any of my good friends wanted to be gay, or quit school, or suddeny joined the Mafia ... How could I ever scrunch up my nose at them and throw them aside?
Because I'm still their friend, I think I'll just be RIGHT beside them if they ever needed me, and I'll just pray for them and try to advice them.
... And NOT say something stupid like, "Omg dude, you're gonna go to hell!"
Because if somebody said something, like
"Eliza ... You're a lazy piece of trash. You're going to hell, because you're slothing, and that means you don't love God."
... I'd ask the person to suck my non-existential balls. Or actually, I could be really morbid and just smile really sweetly, going "I'll say hi to satan for you! :)" or something.
I think I love my family a lot. Because even though my dad calls me things like 'fatso' (it's okay, I call him fat all the time also), and my mum deletes all my mp3s, I know that no matter how shitty I become, they'll still love me.
Err ... I guess I choose to believe that, even though they lecture me a lot. A LOT.
And I think that my friends, MOST of them anyway, will still love me for who I am. RIGHT???
Hmm, actually, my train of thought is weird. After watching Brokeback Mountain, I started thinking about how tragic it was that, you know, it is the general view that homosexuality is wrong. Then I started thinking of how I used to be judged all the time as well.
My life severely sucked cow ass back then because of that, you know? =( And the worst thing was, I wasn't confident or sharp-tongued enough to stick up for myself ...
But I will now. =) Nobody can ever make me feel like shit again, without ME doing something about it. (unless I'm really in the wrong lah, haha)
Speaking of which, I have no idea why, but I bought Seventeen this month. And the whole thing was filled with Valentines day shits. And everybody keeps on talking about V day... The couples I know are all busy gushing, and the single people I know are busy whining (myself inclusivela).
So I will splurge on a new hairstyle to make me feel GOOD. And if I get some fugly hair again, and everybody laughs and sniggers at me, I can practise standing up for myself! =D
