The Chronicles of a dreamer's life

Defining

2007-03-15T08:19:00.000+08:00

So I had a series of really weird dreams. I kept on waking up after each of them - only to go back to sleep - and dream of something again.

Really weird, 'cause the dreams felt SO real. And unlike usual dreams, whereby I totally forget the dream after 5 minutes of waking up, I still remember them.

My first dream, I dreamed that I was on a train ride with someone I used to love ... but a certain Female Who Shall Remain Anonymous was sitting in between us, chatting away. My second dream, I dreamed that I was in a themepark ala Genting, and my ... mother died. O_____O

I remember bawling like shit in the dream. And when my phone rung and woke me up from the nightmare, there were tears trickling down my cheeks and I felt exactly the way I felt in the dream. I almost instinctively called up my dad to ask him about mum. SO FREAKY.

So I freshened up and went to DreamMoods for interpretations of my dream.

What I found:

To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what do you like about him. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, it indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life.

What?! Do I lack a certain quality that my MUM has that I don't? What is it ... Patience? A smaller ego? (Mine is as big as Mount Everest hoho) Intelligence?!

It can't indicate that my mum has no part in my life, because well ... she is my mother. -_- So what exactly do I lack?

OH I know ... she's married and off the market, while I'm not! Is that it? -_-

By the way, I've realized that living "alone" isn't as tragic as I thought it would be. For one, even though my house now looks like a Bachelor's pad with PS2 CDs, magazines and my dog freely running around ... I must say that I've found myself to be incredibly paranoid about dishes and rubbish. I keep on picturing maggots in my kitchen - and voila, I immediately hurry to get the rubbish out, even if it's only a quarter full! And the sink is always clean. =D

My kitchen is cleaner than even when my mother was at home. :D Yay! I won't be such a shitty wife and mother after all.

And oh, the house is NOT more quiet than usual. With occasional friends around, my hall stereo blasting with music 24/7 ... Me, shouting at Fifi for shitting so often. Me, murmering to myself that the tortoises are so useless and smelly. Me, talking on the phone loudly or webcamming on MSN with the mic ......

My house is very lively, indeed. Yay.

Crappy exams

2007-03-13T13:50:00.000+08:00

I just had the worst English paper ever, I think. I mean, I definitely don't think that I can get an A for this one, since my lecturer gave me crappy assignment marks - no backup!

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. =(

Okay I don't know about the rest who did the same paper as me, but I spotted a lot of trick questions. The thing is, I could spot the tricky bits, but I have no idea if I made the right choice or not. In fact, I took so many risks, I wonder if I'm stupid in doing so. Even my essay was a HUGE risk, 'cause I deliberately wrote something I knew everyone else wouldn't. Just to be different, you know? Arrrrhhh!

Okay. Breath in, breath out. Think blissful thoughts. Hot guys. Yum.

So anyway, it isn't news that I barely study. Whenever an exam is just RIGHT around the corner ... I feel an intense rush in me - a surge of andrenaline - that helps me study more effectively in two hours than I would in two days. It's a feeling I love indulging in.

... But I haven't felt it at all this time around. OMG I think I'm doomed.

Oh yeah, since I have not posted pics of them, ever:

I've always found them to be pretty boring creatures with no purpose in life other than to eat and hide in their shells. But on closer inspection, they're kind of cute.

And oh, they're called Cow and Chicken.

(I'm lying. Truthfully, I just realized my tortoises don't have names! Omg time to brainstorm)

Ever since Jaclyn got back from NS, I'm pretty surprised at the, uh, changes in her.

Her malay has improved ... to the extent of me not being able to tell the difference in slang when she was speaking the same time as another malay girl. Whoa.

I mean, my malay isn't that bad (since 30% of people think i'm malay anyway) but it is practically slang-less, since I don't speak it all the time. But apparently, her best friends in NS were all malays from Kuantan/Sabah, so her melayu is like, best giler babi now. She even accidentally speaks malay to me now. o.O

She used to be uber racist and made racist comments whenever I liked malay guys or guys that aren't chinese. She used to raise her eyebrows whenever I listen to malay or indonesian songs. She used to say that malay-indian-chinese relationships wouldn't really work out because of the differences in language, yada yada.

She now cries every night 'coz she misses singing Indigo's Istimewa with her dorm mates. o_O

I'm all out for interracial relationtionships 'cause I feel like they could actually be really healthy ... so if she suddenly dates/marries someone from NS, I'll be totally happy for her. =D

My conclusion: NS is good. Ask your younger brother/sister to apply for it. Heehee

Home Alone.

2007-03-12T13:56:00.000+08:00

I just discovered that my parents are smart people.

Really, really smart.

See, they were planning to go on a Holiday for a week in March ... without me, because I basically wanted to ~~PARTYYY WITHOUT PARENTAL SUPERVISION!!!!!~~ see what it's like to live alone.

... And they were SMART enough to pick, of all weeks, my EXAM week to take their much-desired holiday. What the?!

Now I have to clean the whole house, feed the birds, dog and tortoises, wash my own clothes, wash the dishes, cook ...... all while trying to cram in last-minute information for my exams. =(

*BIG sigh* Plus, I think that I may just get my first non-A ever for my English paper. I managed to escape that fate for my EN101, but I don't think it'll happen again for EN102, seeing how screwed up my assignment marks were. (I don't even wanna go there ... *pissed*)
Why lah? =(

Oh, so mummy wrote this out for me to help me "survive on my own".

... As though lah I'm very helpless and could potentially kill the dogs and tortoises by forgetting to feed them. =(

Why don't my parents *ever* trust me? But I'll have to admit, I laughed when mummy handed me the paper.

I'm gonna be alone for a week! Wow. At times like this, I wish that I have a boyfriend who could come over to watch crappy movies and play PS2 with me. I can even totally play 'guy'
games like football/NFL/Need for speed!

Yes yes I'm very love deprived. Yes yes I'm very cuddle deprived. :(

Okay I guess I'll just invite random friends over to crash at my place. And I guess I'm competent enough to not burn down my house. Heehee

P.S. Jaclyn is back from Terengganu! Nice to have my best friend around again.

Football mania

2007-03-10T11:19:00.000+08:00

In the midst of me losing all my 'fire' and 'burning desire' to chronicle my life, I've forgotten what it's like to take pics of my everyday life.

And also, the bliss in posting 'em up in my blog and grinning inwardly at a satisfying post. Since pictures are worth a thousand words.

It's okay! Time to start again and make up for lost time. =D

So anyway, we went to play football this morning. (me, being horribly late as usual)

I figured that I should play other sports besides badminton, since it *is* my new year's resolution to 'pick up a new sport'. -_-

But I don't think that it's football. 'Cause I basically pretty much SUCK at it. In the end, we all played Monkey instead. -____-

some of the guys

Sweaty+smelly John, me acting cute (and failing), Veen and Andrew

I leaned on John's back a bit to take pics, but when I moved, my pants was WET with his sweat. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW! SO sweaty and gross. =(

I am officially mortified. =(

(hahaha okay you know I'm kidding john. but it was gross.)

smelly Johnny and I. had to pixelate his tongue coz it ... isn't a nice tongue. LOL

due to a very long period of time of not camwhoring, my smiling-for-the-cam skills are rusty, unlike John, who looks extremely blissed out ....

Smelly John, my happy left eye, and veen!

"Pose like you guys just scored a goal!", I shouted.
The outcome:

o.O

And after a very "fruitful" football session, we went back to Asaph's place to chill out, play guitar, and eat McDs.

Andrew playing some Michelle Branch song

what we do best ... o_O Woo my card-shuffling looks damn gaya! LOL

don't mind the kaki busuk

Came home and slept till 7. =.=

Okay I feel like playing pool! or playing dota in Asia Cafe. But am also feeling somewhat lazy to go out .......

Oh ... where on earth is my inspiration to study? *sigh*

What life -supposedly- is

2007-03-07T18:01:00.000+08:00

They say that life is all about risks - that you should always grasp for what you want, even if you have no idea what the outcome could be like.

But what happens when you can't?

How many rejections can you really handle, how many risks that ended up a disaster can you face? Before you finally break into a million pieces?

I've spent my whole life trying to build a 'strong' image. That I'm independant, strong-willed and that I don't give much of a shit about a lot of things and people.

Which is why it's SO hard to face the truth: that I am, probably the weakest person you'll ever meet. I don't care about what people think of me because it's easier to live with. I don't need a boyfriend because I'm afraid of crying. I'm nonchalant around my parents because sometimes they say really hurtful stuff - words I would rather wipe away than to take into consideration.

They also say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. That phrase is merely an antidote to subdue the pain of rejection and disappointment, isn't it? How could pain make you stronger? If a man takes a bullet for the first time and the wound heals with time ... would taking another bullet be any less painful?

I have so much love in me to give. I have so much to offer to the world, I really think I do. But this vulnerability in me will hold me back from so many good, maybe great things. And probably it already has.

I feel quite incomplete. What can cure this? Does anybody else ever feel this way, or am I the only one? Like you can't really point out what's wrong in your life ... everything is normal, yet a dull ache remains in your heart. An ache that feels a lot like loneliness, but not quite. You call up your friend, go out for chat fests, you feel exhilirated and happy ... but when you're alone again - oh, there it is. It's very intense, very indescribable.

And it also makes you wonder ... why?

No, really. Why? Enlighten me. What is life supposed to be like?

The guy we want

2007-03-04T11:02:00.000+08:00

*edited*

Was just thinking ...

What my mum wants in *my* boyfriend: Must be rich and very nice to his potential mother-in-law.

What my dad wants in my boyfriend: Must not look like an insect, or bear any resemblances to any animals whatsoever, or that particular insect/animal will stick around as my boyfriend's nickname forever.

Weirdly enough, my love life is one aspect of my life that my parents are not worried or concerned over. -_- I think that all those hours I spent talking about my dating philosophy and ideology must've rubbed off on them.

OMG ... I think that they actually trust me to make the right choices on this one. Though I'll also have to admit that I always somewhat handle it rather well. I sometimes wish that I don't, cause doing the right thing also really hurts a lot, most of the time. -_-

Andddd I just made a very fascinating discovery: I don't like clubbing. *gasp* very surprising!

I mean, I just go clubbing cause there basically is nothing else to do. I absolutely adore the music and dancing -- but the occasional *really* horny guys, the smell of cigs that lingers around until you get a 1-hour bath, the loudness.
I don't really love it. O_o I think that I should go back to my mamak days --- except that all my friends who used to lepak in mamaks talking rubbish are now into clubbing. Gah!

I am going clubbing later. But only because I have nothing else to do. And I think that I've said it before ... doing something definitely tops staying at home watching re-runs while thinking of all the stuff I could be doing to make my life more interesting. Who likes feeling lonely?

What *I* currently want in a boyfriend: Someone who'll watch the re-runs with me. And laugh with me about all the stuff we could be doing to make our lives more interesting - yet we still opted to hang out at home.

oh ... and play PS2 with me.

*** Post note - thoughts before sleeping: - felt super lazy to dress up for clubbing, and thus I wore a plain skirt and a kiddy-looking blue T-shirt. *yawn* no skimpy clothes! who cares if people think I'm weird.

And oh man, Flam and Qbar is sooo ... seafood-ish. o_O

- Number of guys I thought was cute: 1?

Number of guys who asked for my number: 4

Number of guys whom I purposely gave the wrong number: 2

- it was soo boring at first that I went to watch the Liverpool VS Man U match. I didn't know who I was rooting for so I had mixed feelings when Man U won. ahaha

Pictures I feel inclined to post (yeah right)

2007-03-02T14:56:00.000+08:00

My Flickr is down! And I wanna post up pics. =(

Gonna use photobucket instead but since it doesn't resize my pics, they are huuuuge. Oh my ...

This is my mum and I in Penang. OMG I inherited her nose.

My CUTE korean nephew. =D His name is Jonathan ... Everybody calls him Jon, Jon-Jon, or Jonny boy.

Since Jon and Jonny boy kinda reminds me of two very different people ... I have no choice but to call him Jon Jon. Wtf.

And okay, I also have my dad's nose. Damn, why does everybody in my family have big noses? O.o

A candid picture I absolutely love. My parents ADORE baby Jonathan ... *big smile*

I can just picture my mum and dad doting over my future son. (SON ... because I want a baby boy! don't care.) *BIG smile* My maternal instincts are burningggg ... I wish that I could just find the perfect guy now and have babies NOW. Hahaha

I joked about my kid probably not being very cute, since I like dark people, which would probably mean a dark baby since *I* am also quite dark (fair, white babies are arguably cuter) ... and everybody started making racist comments. -___- I don't like racists! *grr* :p

this is John, making a guest appearance on my blog. *evil laugh*

this is the face he makes when he's trying to make a witty retort to my VERY witty insults hurled at him. Unfortunately, he always sounds lame ... Mwahaha! Surrender, you hippo.

This is Veen Win and I ... I have absolutely nothing wiseass to say about her.

Ok I was just gonna post up even more pictures, but I've realized how lazy I have become. OMG!

I've been on a Gory Movie Marathon. House of a 1000 Corpses ... The Devil's Rejects ... Saw 3 ... the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I'm surprised I haven't puked yet.

It's very fascinating that such movies are not necessarily fiction ... I mean, there ARE people who are sick and twisted murderers. O.o'' *scurries off to research crazy serial killers on wikepedia*

And oh, do NOT watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It is not only disturbing, I truly doubt that anybody could not puke after watching it. T.T

"Nadia"

2007-03-01T07:21:00.000+08:00

Went to my usual McD just now to get a burger.

Apparently, those McD dudes *still* remember me. O_o A few months ago, one of them asked for my name, to which I laughed and said "Nadiah". And since then, I believe that they all think that I'm malay.

"Nadia, dah lama tak datang, mengapa?" one of 'em dudes asked me when I was leaving.

"Oh ... sibuk lah.", I answered.

"Sibuk ngan apa? Kerja ke?"

"Er ... belajar la. Rajin sampai takde masa nak makan McD lagi," I piped up. While walking away, laughing at the irony in my lie.

Takkan I say, 'Oh no lah ... I don't come here that much anymore 'cause my best friend's in Terengganu bonding with Kuantan and Sabah girls, and our gang hasn't really hung out here that much since ...". A bit lame right.

"Oh ok ... jumpa lagi, Nadia!", he called out from behind me.

..... I couldn't help but grin. Back then, I was wondering 'why the hell did I tell him my name's nadia?! Wanna bullshit also should've said some name like Aleyah or Tiara right."

And just now, I found myself wondering the exact same thing again. Life is cute. :D

Routine, routine

2007-02-27T16:48:00.000+08:00

Life has finally slipped into an oddly comfortable routine. Talking rubbish with my friends everyday, influencing whoever who would listen to start listening to indon music (Radja! Once Dewa! Ada Band!!), cracking lame jokes at every opportunity, all while waiting for that pot of gold to drop from the sky to ease all my pain. :D

I've also been stoning at the computer, wondering what TV show/movie to watch, while feeling depressed that I'm still not doing anything about a new blog layout.

Been having fun hurling funny insults at John as well. *big grin*

me: "Andrew ... is a white giraffe!"

everybody: "... and?"

me: "John ... is a BLACK HIPPOPOTAMUS! HAHAHA!!!"

....... Ok lah it was actually very funny in real life! Everybody laughed! Believe me. =D

I like the pace of my life right now. Everything feels ... simple. Uncomplicated and nice. It kind of reminds me of thoes prehistorical days when everybody have not discovered the opposite sex yet, and I was busy cracking my lame jokes in random mamak stalls with people I love.

Songs

2007-02-26T22:52:00.000+08:00

Okay I am in a blogging mood. And obviously, I haven't gotten to my blog's so-called makeover yet ... so my posts will still be as boring as ever until I see something other than this boring brown self-indulgent layout.

Hmm ... so I shall blog about songs! Songs that remind me of people or certain memorable instances in my life. =D

They may not necessarily be great songs, just songs that make me smile. Or feel the teardrop trickle out of the corner of my eye.

Westlife - Flying without wings
Pui Yee, Jaclyn and I ... back when we were 13, we watched this MTV on TV. I immediately found the love of my life in Mark Feehily, who just so happens to be gay as I found out much later. We painfully listened to the song over and over again to write down the lyrics ... over a lot of squealing, laughter and good fun.

Innuendo - Belaian Jiwa
Him singing this song to me, with a guitar, under twinkling starlights ... his voice wasn't amazing. But the moment was perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Elvis Presley - Trouble
Christine, Cally, Jaclyn and I + a video camera. Heehee ... 'nuff said. Oddly enough, I don't exactly feel super malu when I rewatch it. :D

Bread - If
I was sitting alone in my room. As this song played and I listened to it for the first time ... I remember thinking, okay, why does love like this seem to not exist anymore? I looked out the window, sighed, and vowed that I'll find that kind of love.

Gabrielle - Out of Reach
Was going through a pretty tough time ... went to my friend's house, only to have her play this song over and over again in her comp. -___- I felt incredibly tulan and I smacked her. For rubbing my wounds with salt. Pfft! Then we hugged and laughed it off. Friends are the best!

Bob Sinclair - Rock this party
Hot russian guy asked me to dance when this song played. I didn't think he was hot at all ... though I did oblige with the dance.
Second time I met him ... Wow. Very gorgeous.

Damn I need more songs to listen to! Though I have like ... *checks* 1788 songs in my song library. O___o

Am currently listening to Papa Roach's Last Resort and wondering why the world can be such a horrible place at times. Wtf. I think I need to do something about my musical taste ...

T_____T

2007-02-25T18:18:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it.

I can't.

I ...

I CRIED WHILE WATCHING THE OC. (?!?!?!)

WTF! The OC Season 4's Valentines episode was sooooo sweet that I had tears trickling down my cheeks by the time it ended. =((((((((

I don't really understand leh. I almost *never* cry at all in real life ... even if I fight with my parents, fall for the wrong guy, fight with best friends. But I keep on crying so easily whenever I watch emo movies, read touching stories, or even listen to emo songs. T_____T

In real life, I just keep on feeling that crying makes me weaker than I should be. I mean, considering how many people are starving/dying in the world... my petty problems are not supposed to be tough for me to get through.

You know, one of the reasons why I'm still somewhat happily single and not jumping on the rebound/who-moves-on-faster bandwagon ... the reason why it takes me 4 months to get over a guy I briefly dated and 2 months to actually really be ready to move on (yet I'm still not moving on, hoho) ...

Real love, true love ... the kind of love and emotions that I want to feel ... Is so hard to feel and even harder to find. I will never settle for anything less. The kind of love that makes you want to sacrifice. Makes you want him to be happy - and his happiness, no matter how much it takes out of you - makes you happy.
Everything else that comes in between - dates, flings, whatever - are just there to consume my time. Until I really find it.

And honestly, until then, I really don't care if I'm alone. I don't think I could ever give my heart to anyone just because I can't stand being alone. Even though sometimes I do hate it. Being alone.

Eliza Lee = quitter?

2007-02-24T01:01:00.000+08:00

I am feeling extremely annoyed at myself at the moment.

I feel like I'm such a bigass quitter. I gave up almost everything I've ever pursued in my life ... or lost interest in it within a pretty short period of time. It always happens.

It happens all the time ... with sports, hobbies ... guys, even. =_='' I always butt headlong into something that I'm interested in ... only to lose interest in it after awhile.

Ish ish ... I can't be a quitter anymore. I swear I won't quit my studies and I hereby solemnly promise myself that I'm never giving up my dreams - for anything. I MUST CHANGE!

No more quitting. No more bad tempers. (I'm VERY easy to piss off, which would usually cause me to say shit I don't mean ... but I forgive/forget pretty fast also... is that bad? O.o)

Ok so I shall make a new layout for my blog. =D It totally needs a makeover, or I KNOW that I'll give up on it also. Hmm ... *seeks inspiration*

And I also need a new hair color. I'm bored of my undyed black hair. Hahahaha okay so some things never do change. I foresee myself bitching about my hair five years down the lane, only to not do anything about it anyway.

OMG what happened!?

2007-02-18T09:20:00.000+08:00

Jaclyn is back for the CNY holidays ... and I just spent the afternoon hanging out with her. O.o

But before that, can you believe it that I went to a lesbian bar yesterday? OMG! Let's just say I'm still 90% straight and 10% bisexual. O___O

I was REALLY looking forward to seeing my best friend again. You have no idea how much I missed her, especially during January. We were always soooo close ... and I mean really close, even for typical best friend standards. Everybody who were our friends knew how close we were, and rarely you'd see one of us without the other.

But when I met her today, it was ... weird. It was like I was meeting a stranger. I had no clue who she was talking about, and she was uninterested in what I've been up to for the past two months. And yeah ... things HAVE changed a lot, for me even. Got closer to new friends, made new hobbies.

Where's my best friend?! Who's this malay Hanna kuantan girl? Who's Ami from Sabah?! Why don't I know all of them? Why am I not interested in knowing?

Gosh ... it's really weird. To know someone SO much, and in just two months, things have changed so much that we don't read each others' minds anymore, nor do we have the same interests or same new friends. She was practically my soulmate. O.o''

I don't believe in LDR ... at least not for someone like me. Or jaclyn. We need to constantly spend time with people in order to be close to them ... when we're adapted to new surroundings and a new life, we easily forget the old, stable one.

Damn weird lah. I think that when she comes back for good in March, we'll probably become super close again ... but, I dunno. How do you blend different friends together?

Eeeek. I still can't get over how weird the afternoon was. Jaclyn was speaking malay and telling me about her malay gang ... O.o while I was acting totally cheerful and telling her about my fucked up life in a much better light.

Ok lah my life is actually pretty fun. I just have spells when I feel so lonely, out of the blue. Maybe its PMS ... And suddenly feeling awkward around your best friend is just, well, wrong. =.=

Happy CNY. I don't feel so happy about it ... but okay. At least got angpao!

a FRESH start

2007-02-17T03:31:00.000+08:00

It has just occured to me that a blog would be absolutely pointless if it isn't interesting. I mean, interesting enough for friends and whoever that's interested, anyway.

OMG what happened lah. My blog is currently like a piece of thousand year old turd. I miss the times when I was happier and it showed in my posts.

I need a fresh start lah. A new url? A new template? A domain maybe?

And not everything is about my blog, cause it will be one of many fresh starts. I can't stand the endless fooling around anymore. I want to be happy again. I can't continue drowning my so-called misery in weird shits anymore.

I mean ... Gah. Everything's just super confusing. All I know is that I miss him. Cause he made me feel safe ... fleeting or not.

But like I said, none of this is helping me. I need a fresh start. To start anew. To tear away a page, a chapter of my life, and continue penning down my story. Of course, a better one.

I swear I'll be back. Feeling fresh. And untarnished.

Answers

2007-02-15T20:52:00.000+08:00

.:. Valentines day was pretty ... nice. I opted to spend the whole day with a bunch of close single friends - all of us in the somewhat same position. Movie during the day, party at friend's place in the evening, then Bangsar. Bangsar pretty much sucked, but the company made up for it a bit.

.:. We all ended up emo-ing like shit in Bangsar's 24-hr McD at 2 a.m. I was really emo 'cause I had nothing to emo about. Everybody was emoing about the people they miss, but I was busy cracking my head wondering who to miss. It's a rather weird feeling, I tell you.

Honestly? Even if I do miss anyone, I just miss them for the feelings they made me feel. Not really them them. I miss "A" for his company and lame jokes. I miss "B" for having so damn much vision in life. I miss "C" for being uncomplicated and a cute fling.

.:. In my so-called quest to find myself, I've done a LOT of crappy things. It's really hard to explain, but I feel that in life, you're just meant to be ... somebody. Good or bad. You have to make the choice yourself. I never really knew what kind of person I'm supposed to be.

Smoked? Breath damn stinky. Overrated.

Told endless lies to get out of shit? Guilt.

Got pissed drunk? Felt like CRAP the next day.

Made out with people I'm not supposed to? ... Guilt. Big big guilt. And feeling shittier ten times over after that.

----

Came home from Bangsar feeling uber emo. But I came home to a very happy Fifi waiting for me at the door.

And I found roasted chestnuts - I LOVE chestnuts - packed up for me on my bed. Though I didn't eat it coz I felt guilty for eating McDs so late at night. So nice of my dad/mum.

I love my parents lah. It just hit me how much I love them. They trust me enough to let me make my own decisions in life.

I found the answer I've been looking for. I'm not a bad person.

Since the parentals have given me so much space to explore my boundaries, make mistakes, and find out who I really am ... I've made my decision. I want something more significant. I think that this is the right choice.

V-day, D-day.

2007-02-14T15:33:00.000+08:00

Hello my sweet fellow earthlings.

I am fortunately still very much alive. Extremely busy for the past few days due to the horrible invention of mankind - assignments - but I'm coping. A lot of weight is finally off my shoulders, so there we go - first sem ever that I'm not bitching about assignments and uncapable group members in my blog! =D

Oh yah, tomorrow is Valentines day. I hope you doting lovebirds are happy. *sarcastic*

Don't mind me. Just the usual case of sour grapes. Hehehe

WHY IS IT that every year, during Valentines day, I'm always not dating anyone at the moment - and even worse - am not even interested in anybody?!

It's damn sad okay. I was looking through my phone contact list, trying to figure if there was anybody I wanna sincerely wish Happy Valentines day to and maybe hook up for the day --- and tada! - nobody in mind. =.=''

I haven't liked anyone in months. This sounds super despo and crazy, but I almost need to like someone. I miss the whole butterflies in your stomach ... anticipating phone calls/smses ... shy smiles ...... thing. Without it life is very smooth-sailing but really, it has no spice at all and is just ... blah.

*tears mum's flowers apart*

So, a digression is an absolute must before I end up ranting about my pathetic love life. Pictures!

Grace and I in Bangsar.

Me in the toilet. On the day of our play for English 102. I was constipated due to all the stress .... hahaha jkjk

Monday was super stressful 'cause it was the day of our english play AND also the deadline for another of our assignments. I had like, zero sleep. =.=

Galriad, who was Puck of Mid Summernight's Dream. O.o And me looking like a cacat version of whatever Helena's supposed to look like.

Uh .... This is what Oberon would've looked like with blue hair and shades.

I caught John secretly applying on make-up and I quickly took a pic for evidence! LOL

...... the cast? and their last minute costumes and sleepy smiles. ('cept for Puck and Oberon who looks hyper)

lazy to upload already. =.=

OKAY back to my complaints about Valentines day. =( So I actually had people who asked me out, but I turned everybody down despite having no other plans otherwise.

Coz you see, I just think that I have two options for all Valentines day:
1) Spend it with somebody you really like
2) Spend it with good single friends!

Last year, I spent it with my best friends coz I didn't have anybody in mind. This year, I think I'll just end up doing the same again ... *BIG sigh* O.o

Hehe I guess I'll stop being such a sore loser. Gonna go continue watching Heroes now. (did I mention how much it ROCKS?!?! The hype wasn't for nothing! It's seriously bloody good.)

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY YA'LL! Hope you'll have a good one with your loved one. ;)

Pointless pics

2007-02-10T11:30:00.000+08:00

After working out yesterday, my bones are aching all over today. =.='' It can only mean that I've slacked for way toooo long.

And I've been eating like a cow today. OMG why lah

Okok no more weight woes. :D

For my english 102 class, my group was supposed to perform our Shakesphere play today (it was one of our assignments), but we didn't due to ... unforeseen circumstances.

My lecturer wants to deduct 5 marks from us when we perform it on Monday. =(( OMG how can! What will happen to my (potential) 4.0?!

So in order to *ahem* effectively kiss her ass, we didn't leave the class at all during break time to prove our seriousness in ... studying.

Don't ask me why but we ended up camwhoring. Wahaha!
Of course, some of the pictures are pretty fugly. On purpose yo! :D Sporting, kan?

Veen and I ... I was testing out my phone camera's various features and effects. WHICH I WASN'T AWARE OF UNTIL NOW. OMG!

Haha John (left) looks spastic! :P

I honestly never knew that my mouth could open until so big ... 'till now.

Hungry leprechaun and pontianak.

Happy ghost, pontianak mulut besar, and Veen looking like G ... okay okay I'll shut up.

Trying to kiss our lecturer's ass and berbodek-bodek, we asked her to camwhore with us. LOL wtf

How to be good students and get on the lecturer's good side.

And this is easily the most retarded-looking picture of me:

Get the whole so-called class to act retarded together, and you get this:

wtf why my butt so big in this pic

I'm acting as Helena of the Midsummer Nights dream. She is totally THE opposite of me, coz she gets rejected by Demetrius like, a thousand times, and she still clings to him and never gives up!

Seriously, if I "pursued" a guy and if he so much as gave me an annoyed glance, I'd freaking run away already. =/

Oh the pain

2007-02-05T07:27:00.000+08:00

*edited*

My life has been significantly a lot more interesting than how it used to be ... but it's pretty weird that the more that happens, the less I want to blog about it. O____o It's like I can't find the words to describe my days anymore

But. No words can describe how I feel right now.

I dropped a RM50 note somewhere.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@#@$#@$%#$@%#$@$#^%$#$

Nothing you or I have to say will ever subdue the pain ... this dull ache in my heart. =(

And really. I had a really really depressing day. Something ... happened. I don't want to talk about it, but you can ask me about it in MSN or call me if you want, coz I obviously have no money to go out either. :'(

*wipes tear* I'm eating cup maggi at home.

*scurries off to a dark corner and continues crying*

Edited:

Okay enough depressing stuff.

His name is Jerry. Isn't he soooooo cute?

OMG SO KAWAII!

*looks at Fifi* ... meh.

Genting

2007-01-29T12:37:00.000+08:00

Hellooooo world.

Finally, a proper update! *squeals* ...... Right. =.=

Anyway, this weekend was a BLAST! I didn't go home at all. :D

Friday was really fun ... ah. Then on Saturday, Veen Win, Grace and I had an impromptu trip to Genting. :D

And we didn't come back till Sunday! Despite not having a place to sleep. Wtf.

Okay this is officially my first proper post since ... SO long ago. Cos for some reason, I don't camwhore much anymore. I'm surprised at myself. Even in Genting, didn't take a lot of pics ...

In Ripley's Believe it or Not:
(went for the Ripley's pontianak haunted house thing too, which was super lame but I still freaked out and screamed. =.=)

Me and old wax lady

Haha this pic is funny! We look like fat midgets with ghosts sprouting out of our heads.

I know I look like dope. Sorry lah didn't sleep at all the night before ... O.o

Veen and I. Love this pic!

Snow world:
(Which was kinda lame, but it was fun throwing snowballs at people, even strangers. Mwahahaha!)

Camwhoring in the toilet:

Eh I look so fugly. Camwhore skills gone. This was taken before we headed for Safari.

"Wow" was one word to describe our first time clubbing in Safari. Before we entered the club, we solemnly vowed that we were all single for the night (Oh wait, I AM single).

Highlights of the night:

I was dancing with the cutest guy on the dance floor, some foreigner dude who was SO FUCKING HOT, and some chick pulled me away. And told me to talk to her brother, who wanted my number. I was super polite and promised him a dance, but I quickly scampered away to find the hot stuff I was dancing with ... only to find him not on the dance floor anymore.

WTF! Why lah I go layan her!

Veen and Grace were dancing with two super cute guys, who were in the same gang as the hot stuff I was dancing with. The WHOLE GANG were all so cute can die. They were from the middle east ... hohoho.
Second-hottest-guy I was eyeing asked me to dance, and I did.

While dancing, we talked a little (or rather, screamed, since the music was so loud), and at one point, he leans in and whispers "You're so beautiful".

OMGWTF!!!111 SO SHWEET! I nearly fainted. Oklah I shouldn't be gloating 'coz he could've been drunk or something and couldn't see my face properly ...

But the impact was so big 'coz he is officially one of the hottest people I've ever seen in my whole life. I know I exaggerate a lot, but he (and the first dood I was dancing with) is ... HOT. Flawless features and all the shit.
*fans self*

I nearly jumped off a cliff when I realized that I forgot to take pics with the fucking hot guys I made friends with. No pictorial evidence at all. *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

Ok lah a lot of funny shit happened in Safari, but I'll leave that all to your imagination. ;) I wanna go there again!

Am currently in a very dreamy and sleepy state, despite sleeping from 3pm till 8pm. *yawn* I have shitloads of assignments to do ... but I don't seem to have any "drive" to do 'em anytime soon. O______O

"Player"

2007-01-26T14:34:00.000+08:00

Okay so my internet is up and running again *big grin* and I came online to chat a bit. While chatting with a friend and catching up, I was was jokingly labelled a player.

... Damn funny. O.o I don't have the looks, attitude nor the charm to ever pass off as a player. Not even a player-wannabe yo.

So in my mind, a player is like ... somebody who fools around a lot and finds it really hard to remain chaste. And probably has huge problems with commitment and sticking to just one partner ... or probably just likes playing around a lot and enjoying the thrill of the chase.

I ... for one, am totally single. I have my boundaries, and I'll stick to them, as long as the fun doesn't come with a price that's too high for me to pay. (which explains the lack of a sex life since ... forever)
But I daresay that someday when I feel bored of all the pointless coquetry and flirting ... and when I finally find somebody I could commit to, I would never cheat on him or fling around anymore. O.o
I'm not like a great person, but why would I ever consciously hurt anybody, right?

I know a number of players. And honestly, players don't really rank very high on my 'most hated kind of people' list. For instance, I STILL hate people who judge and gossip, or backstabbers even more.

Example 1: "Wah ... you know, XXX isn't a virgin leh! Interesting huh ... "

Example 2: "You know what I found out? XXX isn't a virgin ... Oh my GOD I didn't know she was such a slut you know, she looked so fucking innocent and all ... Now you know lah ... Plus that day she was flirting with YYY ... surely slept with him also lah ..."

I dunno about you, but even though two of the above can be considered as "gossip" ... if I was XXX, I would merely shrug at Example 1 (assuming the gossip was true) but I would be FUCKING PISSED if people talked about me like in Example 2.

I mean, I think that people should own up to whatever they do, no matter how shitty. And I would too. But people who place unnecessary judgements ... especially if they're my friends ... are totally bastards. Worse than players, if you asked me. =.=

It's like this ... players are usually pretty easy to spot. Well, unless you're some kinda innocent dood who still believes that the world is lovely and sweet. And since, for me, I can practically smell a playboy from 10 feet away ... I don't see what kind of a threat the supposed playboy could ever pose on me. Or any other girl with functioning brains.

If I still fell for a player, despite already KNOWING that he has itchy groins, who else do I have to blame but myself, right? -_-
I would probably date somebody with a rep for being a total bastard ... for whatever reasons. But I doubt that I would really CARE about the person ... like how I cared for dickface or Mr. vodka.

I guess I feel somewhat bad for them as well. Having a string of girls and guys to fuck and toy around with must be pretty cool and ego-boosting ... but possibly nobody who really genuinely cares? Or if there really were people who sincerely cared ... they'd probably end up hurting those people and pushing them away anyway.
(something I've had experience with ... *cries*)

Wah ... I can't believe I typed so much shit about players. Anyway, I think that I've passed the point of actually caring about other people already. I don't mean 'other people' as in friends ... but other people like, people whom I'm not close with and yet they still assume that they know me.

I used to be fucking pissed everytime I suddenly find out that I'm being judged, misunderstood, or painted in a very unflattering light. But now ... I'm kind of immune.

Which is kinda scary. Coz last time when I actually cared about my (already shitty) rep, it was one of the things in life that held me back from going over the limit. Now that I don't seem to care anymore ... the only thing that's holding me steady is my conscience. O.o And common sense.

P.S. Have a weird confession to make. The whole player thing ... I actually told my friend just now that I'm not a player, but if I was a guy, I probably would want to be one. Just to, you know, have loads of fun before I finally settle down for good. *helpless shrug*

But I'm a girl ... with my hormones and emotional tendencies, I'm forced to be stuck in the middle of nowhere.

WTF!

2007-01-25T11:25:00.000+08:00

Please pardon the sudden usage of vulgar language.

WTFMAGEHAI STREAMYX!!!!1111 PUKIMAK!

Okay okay ... the sudden outburst is 'cause of the fact that my internet connection is like, DOWN. For two days already. I've suddenly realized how dependant I am on the internet ... =(((

Magecinapek! -____________- Ptui!

P.S. Am feeling quite happy at the moment, actually. :D

First things first

2007-01-22T16:00:00.000+08:00

John is finally back from his vacation. YAY!!!!! Classes have been SO boring without him. Am really looking forward to catching up with him :D and update each other about all the shit we've been up to.

Damn, I want a to go on a roadtrip with all my close friends. It'd be so fucking fun to collect stories and experiences together.

Oh yeah, I really didn't go home at all for the weekend. It was a REALLY weird weekend ... 'coz Veen and I managed to change our plans at least 5 times in a night. So in the end, we ended up ffk-ing people (and being ffk-ed), hung out with various people in 4 different places ... only to end up in her room at 5 a.m with four cans of beer. Was a super funny weekend, come to think of it ...

And today, had dinner with a friend. During dinner, I suddenly asked her, "Have you ever had sex in a CAR?"
(okay, don't ask me how the question suddenly popped up)

she: "Obviously!!! Who hasn't?"

And for some weird reason, I immediately shouted, "FUCK YOU!!!!", with my eyes wide. With the sudden realization that everybody in the restaurant was staring at my outburst. Hahaha
(and for the record, *I* haven't had sex in a car. Or anywhere else, for that matter, wtf)

Anyway, I've realized that I have so much less time nowadays for more mundane stuff like watching TV, blogging, and etc. How lah how lah? I *know* that I can't be as entertaining (if I ever was, hah) as I used to be anymore. So what happens to my once-beloved blog? Will it slowly die off as some blogs do as I update less and less? =(((((

I've also realized, today, that my "I have nothing to hide" life philosophy applies in almost every aspect of my life. Even though my friends were over and shit, if they entered my room, they'd find magazines, CD covers, and even underwear (haha wtf, I know) all over the place. =.=
You'd think that I ought to at least pretend to care. But I just ... don't.

I think that it's time for a change. I'm glad that I never got hooked on smoking (and even drinking, actually), but there are a lot of stuff that I do that I'm not proud of. Which is kind of freaky ... 'cause I've noted that the guilt doesn't come anymore.

But I dunno, I guess I'll just take things one step at a time. I'll start with the small things ... like a new hairdo. :D

Okay, gonna continue immersing myself in my so-called newfound busy life. And continue my self-proclaimed journey of self-discovery. *wtf*

I see the light

2007-01-19T14:50:00.000+08:00

Today, I received a letter from college congratulating me on my results and being one of the top scorers.

(please pardon the smug CB face)

WOOTNESS!!!11111one

And my moral lecturer told me over lunch that I was only one mark behind the two top scorers for moral studies. DOUBLE W00Tness!!!
(damn, why didn't I get that ONE mark? shit!)

Of course, everything good has to come with something bad. Today, I got chastised for wearing short skirts to college. LOL
Yea yea yea, I know that I have a wardrobe malfunction, but WHO CARES YO. :D
(And yes, this is to signify that I'm not feeling very repentant ... nor am I gonna start shopping for below knee-length skirts or anything. Do I look like I have the cash to spare?!)

I tried to show the "letter of appreciation" whatever to my parents. Hopefully to con them into giving me more moolah ... $_$
But my plan didn't really work at all.

Dad: "Not bad wor! But since when did you ever study? The only time you're at home was the time I caught you smoking in your room"

Me: "...... Errr ...... I have incredible brain power!"

Dad: "Hmph. Then don't need reward lah. But since I'm so nice ... Na, give you RM10"

WTF! Now I know where I got my kiamsap-ness from. -_______-

Anyway, I decided to STOP being so bloody emo and wake up to smell the coffee. (Haha wtf?) I have lotsa shitty stuff going for me, true, but I also have a lot of good stuff going for me. It's time to take my own advice and lighten up. :D

Am currently brainstorming of ways to not spend my weekend at home. My house is SO boring ... but don't tell my parents that, okay? Heehee

feeling empty

2007-01-18T14:36:00.000+08:00

I've been on a frenzied quest to fill up all of my days. And it's been working pretty well - I've been busy. Busier than ever.

It's like this. I'm desperately doing everything that I can - following John to his church, seeking whatever opportunity to drink, movie marathons with Andrew and Veen, etc - all to avoid being at home alone. For some weird reason, I just don't want to stay alone in my room, doing nothing ... And I'm doing everything I can to avoid it.

'Cos when you're alone, lying in your bed, you tend to think a lot. And for now, I don't like thinking, 'cos I inevitably end up thinking of the person I am. And the person I am becoming. Frankly, not really sure if I still like that person.

It's kinda depressing. So much that I sometimes purposely think of him or something, to take my mind off the more important issue - Me.

(Am fervently blogging now 'cuz I didn't fill up tonight's time slot with anything unnecessary to do)

I can genuinely say that I've never really felt this way before. I mean ... I've always been kind of sure of who I am, who I want to be, and for most of my life, I've succeeded at being the person that I expect myself to be. But now ... where am I? What am I doing? Who the fuck really am I?

If I was a guy, I'd definitely be some kinda bastard player. I want kisses. I need intimacy. I don't need some insecure fucked up person who makes me fall in love and then fucks up my life.
I just want to be in control ... yet sometimes, feel like I belong somewhere. No matter how fleeting the moment is.

But ME, being a girl, can't do that. Bloody unfair huh? A guy's a player and he's a god, a girl's a player - she's a slut. It's SO sad that if I told everyone that I'm a virgin - 80% would spit and laugh. Whereas there are girls who look more innocent than me who are fucking around, and nobody gives them the hard time of having a bad reputation.

Am actually kinda pissed off at how unfair the world is right now. I'm just SO afraid that I'll someday become someone that I don't recognize anymore. Someone who treats other people like dirt in order to protect herself? Someone who'll manipulate her way to the top? Someone who sleeps around?

I do doubt that I'll ever sleep around or simply lose my virginity. Not because of religious reasons. Not because I'm saving myself for my husband yada yada ...

But mainly because I don't think I could ever stand the potential feeling of being used. Unless *I* was the one who raped the guy and used him, not the other way around, but that obviously is highly unlikely.
Which is why I think that God planned for me to be female. If I was a guy ... I'd be an asshole. 'Cuz I've been hurt before, am currenly relationship phobic, very cynical, and people are just not worth hurting over.

It's kinda sad that no matter how busy or fun my day was ... I always end up lying in bed feeling kind of empty. Like I have no idea where all the time went.
Damn, I need hugs. I need kisses. I wanna nuzzle into someone's neck and have him tell me that everything will be okay.

But no more wishful dreaming ay. Must stay away from boys. Must not repeat mistakes.

But actually, I do know what will make me feel contented. For now. An hour-long bath, and then ice-cream in my bed, while watching The Break Up. Ah ... thank God for the small, uncomplicated things in life.

Gasing Hill

2007-01-16T16:38:00.000+08:00

(2nd blog post in less than two hours. Sorry lah i just suddenly felt like it)

I've always had a dream. A secret longing.

For some reason, I've always wanted to go up Gasing Hill really late at night with a guy I really like ... I don't know why Gasing Hill. I mean, all they have there are monkeys and couples making out ...

But I've always thought that it'd be really romantic to gaze at the whole of PJ together. To stare at the skies (and monkeys), our hands entwined with each other, and whispering mushy stuff to each other that nobody else will ever know about.

Last year, I REALLY wanted to go up there at night with the guy I really liked. I just knew that if there was anyone who could help me live out my perfect Gasing Hill dream, it was definitely him. But somehow, we were always so busy and things were always so complicated ... we never ended up going at all.

I always imagined that when we were up there, sitting on the benches, he'd whisper sweet nothings into my ear like he always did, wrap his arms around me like noone else would, and make me feel like he belongs to me and I to him. We'd giggle at all the chattering monkeys and peek at the couples (if any) making out and make dumb comments together.

But. The dream was not about to come true. It turned out that all the sweet nothings he whispered were REALLY nothings ... that when he wrapped his arms around me, it didn't mean much to him, not like it did to me. And the sad reality was he never belonged to me, and I probably wasn't the only girl who felt like he was my world.

All in one go, my Gasing Hill fantasy was crushed. Even though we never actually went up there and did those things. I swore that I'll never feel this way again, that I'll never let anyone creep into my life and make me want to believe in love. Not him, not anyone, not anymore.

Sunday night, I went up Gasing Hill with John and Veen. I sat on the bench and stared at the whole of PJ, watching a monkey climbing around while talking to my friends. Then it started to rain ... and I couldn't help but think, 'This would've been my perfect fantasy if he was here ...'.

But I also knew then that all the hurt was ... gone. Just like the rainwater dripping down the trees and into the earth. I don't feel the huge sense of betrayal and loss anymore. I don't feel like choking the breath out of him whenever I see him, not anymore. The 'he' I was referring to isn't him anymore.

I am definitely more cynical than the person I was before ... all the shit. But it's weird that I STILL want to go up Gasing Hill late at night with somebody that I really like, someday. And maybe we really will hold hands and talk about everything on the dirty bench. Or maybe we'll merely drink canned milo and stare at the scenary in silence.

My fantasy was destroyed once ... but it can be rebuilt, revamped and renewed. It'll be different, but it'll still be nothing short of a dream come true.
I hope.

Bragging rights

2007-01-16T13:19:00.000+08:00

OKAY TODAY IS A BLOODY GOOD DAY.

I got back my results today. *big grin* Damn happy ah!

For some weird reason, I got a 4.0 for my English 101. Wheeeeee! I was SO sure that my English-A record was gonna be broken. And also a 4.0 for my graphics. :D

Which means that my C.G.P.A is still 3.75. *biggggass grin*

Please forgive me lah ... but since I'm usually so humble and all, let me brag a bit for once. =D I'm happy with my results, but I know that I don't really deserve it that much ... I mean, this is a girl who sneaks out in the middle of the night to drink vodka and studies the night before the exam?

I guess I just lucked out. But luck or whatever, it doesn't make me any less happy. W00t w00t.

Okay, so I kinda forgot what I was gonna blog about. Seriously, my life has been kind of a ... blur. Everything's happening so fast ...
However, ever since best-friend Jaclyn left, I'm pretty surprised that I actually seem ... BUSIER than usual? Is it because I'm finally out of my comfort zone and forced to adapt in other environments other than the one that I'm used to?

Really weird. And oh, I didn't go home at all last Friday night ... and on Saturday morning, I went on a spontaneous road trip to Genting with a bunch of friends. O_o Didn't take any pictures, though ... Mainly 'cos everybody looked like shit without sleep. Especially me. HEH

Oh yeah ... I finally remember what I was gonna blog about! My BIG ego.

Can you believe it that I got REALLY pissed at someone 'cause I apologized to him, and he didn't seem to take my apology seriously and made the whole deal seem like a really small thing?
Okay it *was* a really small thing ... but it took me A LOT to say sorry okay. T_T

I hate saying "I'm sorry", "I miss you" and "I like you". But when I say it, it takes out a lot of pride from me, and when people take it lightly, my ego gets super bruised. =(

There was one time last year, when I was on the phone with the guy I liked, and I told him that I missed him ... but after I said it, I thought I could hear some dude giggling in the background. I wasn't entirely sure; I could've heard wrongly or it could've been the TV or something ...

But I immediately ended the call and sent him a very pissed off SMS. Words like "fucker, joke, funny, trusted" were included in the message ...

When I think of it now though, wasn't I totally overreacting? =( My ego is SO huge that even the possibility of being treated as a joke irks me. =(

No wonder I'm almost always single. =( My ego is bigger than my butt.

I have no idea how to "cure" my overly big ego and pridefulness. Help needed.

On another note though, John is going to Bali and my friends and I will miss him SO MUCH for one week. :( AND OH ... I REALLY NEED TO HUG SOMEONE. Cos despite my big ego shits, I'm still quite happy ... it's been a great week. :)

*looks around for hot stranger to give a big bear hug*

Goodbye blogworld

2007-01-12T16:35:00.000+08:00

I am gonna quit blogging, cos I've realized that the only times that I actually *feel* like blogging are the times when I'm bloody bored and/or super emo.

.... :( :( :( Goodbye.

... Ok lah I was only bullshitting. OMG I musn't quit blogging! I MUST NOT! If not it'll go into the expanding list of 'Things Eliza Quit' (which includes drums, guitar, trying to stop cussing, blabla).

I WILL PREVAIL. Actually the weirdest thing really is, whenever my life is interesting and smooth-sailing, I really don't seem to have much of a mood to post up pics or blog. =/ Why ah?
(Actually I *am* too lazy to even upload pics to my comp anymore. They're all stuck in my memory card ... maybe forever)

Okay actually the whole point of this post was to announce that when I was paying my bill at this restaurant today, the guy at the cashier said to me, "Thanks leng zhai ... ...... *looks again* OMG I MEAN LENG LUI"

OMGWTF IS THIS! Do I look like a guy to you?! Is it because I wore pants today?!? Damn traumatizing to be mistaken for a guy for the first time ever in my whole 18++ years of living.

Shit .... Fine fine, I shall start permanently wearing skirts (On 2nd thought, I'm already 80% there) ... and I will also wear pink all the time, from now on. And err ... put fake eyelashes?!

Anything to look girly. T_T

My bad luck charm. sneezecoughburp

2007-01-10T11:47:00.000+08:00

Soooo ... recently, I bumped into Fling Thing '06 #2 again. Though I was hoping hard *not* to.

It's really weird. 'Cos when I look at him now, all I feel is ... uh. Nothing? No more 'hmm he's quite cute ...' playing in my head.

So we both said our 'hellos', which felt kinda awkward.
Then he handed out his hand for me to shake, to wish me a happy new year. He held my hand for a lot longer than he should've, which made me stare quizzically at him and go "Uh ... What?"

He leans in, just a little bit, so that it wouldn't be noticeable to other people. Just me. And he softly says, "I miss holding your hand ... "
With that familiar cocky and cheeky grin of his that I used to find majorly appealing.

The Old Liz would've found it extremely cute. And actually, a small part of me *still* found it totally cute, in a fake-dorky way. But the new Liz, the one with her newly-reinforced womanhood and discovery that she can live without cute guys ... didn't feel ANYTHING at all, and instead had to fight the urge to to wince or grimace.

Of course ... me *still* being me, I merely cocked my head to the left, raised my eyebrows at him, and gave him my mysterious half-smirk/smile. Before slipping my hand away and walking off. :D
(All while resisting the urge to grab his other hand with my free hand, stare lovingly into his eyes for a very tender moment before saying a very sweet and short "Fuck you".)

OMG bloody corny lah. The new me is SO not gonna fall for anyone's mind games anymore. Girl power yo!!111

This is kind of weird, since I HAD to bump into FlingThing the day right after I gave up on my no-guys vow? Wow. Must be a sign.

The weirdest thing is ... when I walked away, I mumbled to my friend, "Everytime I see him my day ALWAYS turns out fucking unlucky ..."

My friend laughed at me. But I currently am down with a mild fever, flu and sore throat. OMG WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!?

O_o Very weird. The guy's weird too, for being such a bad luck charm. Hahaha
However, it doesn't even matter cos I've already set my eyes on someone ... I *think*. Oklah just assume that I have.
Okok, I really don't know. I think that the past two months have totally made me immune to men, so now I'm not sure about anything anymore. I feel like a robot yo.

Gonna go nurse my fever and flu in bed now. *sneeze*

The world is beautiful again

2007-01-09T14:53:00.000+08:00

Okay there has gotta be something wrong with me. Cos my horribly disastrous Saturday ended up rather well, and I wasn't pissed anymore. O.o

Let's just say that someone totally bruised my ego. *stares daggers* The worst thing ever for ME is having a bruised ego ... seriously. I have a ego that's prolly bigger than a man's. O_o
However, the person who bruised my ego SO badly pretended nothing happened and asked me out to mamak at 11p.m? O_o?

And me being me, I just pretended everything was totally okay and forgotten. Though I didn't go to mamak.

OHH Sunday was a blast! It was totally fun. Nowadays I keep on blaming everything on my best-friend-withdrawal-syndrome but I'm quite surprised that I'm not really *feeling* that bad that Jaclyn isn't here. I mean, everything is still kinda great. Though I wish that she was around to consume vodka with. Yumm.

I'll post up pics later. Have to sleep early today yo, cos COLLEGE IS STARTING TOMORROW ... man, where did all the time go? I'm looking forward to seeing everybody though. :D

Shitty things I am secretly plotting to do (or continue doing):

*** Everytime I wanna go out at night, I tell my parents that I'm staying at a friend's place, and I end up sneaking into the house in the middle of the night!
Don't ask me how it works, but it does for me. Anyway my parents sort of banned me from going out late 'cos recently, one of my good friends got into BIG trouble. And they wouldn't trust me to be different from her.

Yea yea yea ... I'm not paying the price for someone else's sins, man.

*** Everytime I break down or become cuckoo in the next three months, I shall continue blaming it on my best-friend-withdrawal syndrome, even if it has nothing to do with it. I'm sure that Jaclyn will understand.

*** Okay about two months ago, I vowed that I would stay away from guys for three months.
And I've succeeded! For two months! :D I swear to God, I didn't flirt (on purpose) at all ... Nor did I go out on dates or anything.

My womanhood is SO reinforced. Thus I am officially terminating the vow. *evil laugh*

*** I'm gonna continue leaving my clothes all over the house, though mum hates it. Hahahaha

Okok ... better go sleep for real. ANYWAY, I just discovered how amazing it feels to lie bare-skinned on my bed while eating grapes, with Jeff Healy's Angel Eyes playing in the background.

Now if there was someone hot beside me to feed me the grapes ......... (okay that IS kinda kinky)

-untitled-

2007-01-07T13:55:00.000+08:00

Today is possibly the worst day of my life. :(

I don't wanna write an uber long depressing post about it. I have a lot of problems and no idea what the hell am I supposed to do to fix things. Cos everytime I try, things get worse.

I'll be back when I'm feeling more interesting. And more 'me' again. I don't really like thinking, patching up my life, being serious, and crying over split milk ... so I'll definitely spring back soon! *optimistic*

In the meanwhile ... I so need a hug. :( *looks around for potential people who would give me a hug without asking me why or think that I'm horny*

The internet kinda sucks at the moment, anyway. I feel like sleeping my life away. Cos when you're asleep ... all that exists are your dreams. And dreams are usually very nice. :)

Have fun peeps! I'll be back the minute I feel happy and optimistic again.

Dysfunctionality

2007-01-06T13:45:00.000+08:00

Today is my mama's birthday. Which I *almost* conveniently forgot, until papa excitedly told me yesterday about the surprise birthday cake he bought for mama. Before turning to mama and telling her about the cake.

-______-

So they started the very special occasion by squabbling and arguing right in the morning. They were even squabbling when Suet dropped by my place.
(Which was kinda embarrassing but I've passed the point of feeling embarrassed lalala)

I was kinda dubious but feigned disinterest. Cos the reason they're fighting is very childish. It's so immature that even *I* wouldn't bother fighting over it with anyone. O.o

So I went out and left them alone to solve their own shit. When I came home from Chris's place to have my mum's supposed birthday dinner - they were still at it! Arguing over the same old stupid thing! O.o'' How do they DO that is beyond me. I went out for at least 6 hours. -_-

So I calmly took mama into her room and gave her a very wise pep talk about love, relationships, and how to deal with men for half an hour. After she was less pissed, I left her room and talked to dad for half an hour about women's needs, being patient, and being a man.

OMGWTFBBQ! Aren't parents supposed to be the ones that give their kids advice and lectures? Aren't they the ones who are the ones I'm supposed to lean on whenever *I'm* fighting with a boyfriend or something? OMG the role reversal is very hard to handle. O___O

However, I managed to mindf*ck the both of them quite effectively by telling the both of them to "secretly be the bigger and more forgiving person". Uh ... Right.

So after one hour after I got home. We finally went out for my mum's birthday dinner. Lovely family moment. ^__^

(was being sarcastic, btw)

Man ... Can't believe that sometimes I feel more like their parents than the other way around. =.= And people wonder why I don't really want a bf? OMG pleaseeee I can't watch over two relationships at the same time. Hahaha

P.S. Happy birthday, mar-mee. I'm so glad that you got bored of surfing the net and friendster, thus you won't be reading my blog ever. :D

Slow internet connection ... gah!

2007-01-04T03:45:00.000+08:00

I finally decided that my new year's resolution would be to make the best out of all the relationships in my life. I guess that I should work at my relationship with my parents, friends, etc ...
I wanted to pick something like 'find true love' or something, but that would be pretty hard to achieve. We'll just see how 2007 goes.

And oh, I wanna pick up a sport that I haven't tried before! Can't decide which one should I try out yet.

-----

So the electricity went out twice today. The first time there was a blackout, I was typing out a blog post. The second time, I was rubbing soap all over my body in the toilet. Great timing, I know. =/

Jaclyn called my house today, all the way from Terengganu, and she was crying on the phone. 'Cause apparently, the living condition in her NS camp is really horrible, chinese people were only 10%, and that there were a lot of strict rules. (No handphones, guys and girls must stand 10 ft away from each other O.o)

She's not one to cry that often ... so when she does, it has to be really bad. O_o Man ... and to think I was wishing that *I* was the one who was going away to somewhere far for three months. Heh

And actually, even though I haven't seen her for only one week, I miss her a lot. I feel like a part of me is really unstable when my best friend isn't around ... When she's here, I know that there's always someone who's just there, you know. Someone who will listen to everything I have to say and back me up whenever I get into deep shit. And someone to just call up in the middle of the night to go to the mamak with, whenver I'm feeling bored.

While my other friends are great, most of them aren't really 'one call away' kinda friends. Actually, I prolly only have ... 3? totally dependable friends who'll teman me no matter the time/place. And everybody's super busy nowadays. -_-

So ... I am feeling a bit shaky, bored and unsteady at the moment. Heee.

I figure that there are two sides to me. There is Happy Eliza, who's funny, confident, narcissistic, and falls in love really fast. On the other hand, there is also Sad Eliza, who's insecure, a loner, untrusting, and cynical.

Because there are two very contradicting personalities in me ... I guess that's why I sometimes tend to have 'shaky' phases, when I'm so unsure of myself and what I want.

I shall start referring to myself from a third person point-of-view. Even when I blog. Something like 'Happy Eliza is feeling absolutely great today!' or 'Sad Eliza wants all the fuckers to go away'.

Actually, I like Happy Eliza a lot more. When *I'm* fun ... life is more fun. But if there wasn't the more serious side in me ... I'd get into different kinds of shit everyday, man.

This post is weird. It took a full 360 degrees turn from what I'd originally wanted to blog about. I blame it on the power shortage just now. Sad Eliza is pissed at her sucky memory.

Hello, 2007!

2007-01-02T14:45:00.000+08:00

Okay, so Singapore was boring, as expected. Actually I think it's just that I'm at an age when I just don't enjoy myself on trips with my parents anymore, as much as I would with my friends ... O.o

So blablabla ... it was a bore. I barely did anything besides waste money and cycle around Geylang. So if you're a Singaporean and happened to see a chick with messy hair and baggy clothes cycling aimlessly on a red bike, chances are, you saw me. Wtf.

So anyway, here are some very WTF-inducing stuff my very dysfunctional family has said to me throughout the SG trip: (pics later)

****
Aunt: Wahhhh compared to February, thinner already wor ... Good! Did you lose a lot of weight ah?!

Me: Err ... no. A bit only. I tried jogging more ...

Aunt: Oh no wonder you have thin legs. Good ah! Next time wear shorter skirts and wear those SHORT pants that can see your whole leg wan ... tomorrow we go shopping and buy ok

Me: My skirts are already quite short ... if I wear them any shorter people will call me a slut ...

Aunt: No such thing, let them say lah! When you're young and thinner you must flaunt it! You wanna wait until you're old and flabby only wanna dress sexily is it?!

Me: .... Okay. =/

***

Mum: Kissing is only an activity a boy and a girl that are physically attracted to each other do ... it's nothing.

Me: ...

***

Cousin: OMG you finally cut your hair! It's a lot better than the ugly damn long straight hair you had the last time I saw you ...

Me: ...

***

Dad: Drinking is already bad for men ... if for women, it's EVIL.

(him saying this led to a very heated argument about woman rights. He says that being a feminist is a sin. -_- I disagreed and we ended up arguing damn long over this)

***

Man, my family is dysfunctional. *sigh*

OHH anyway, there was this relative of mine who went to china or some place to learn some kinda fortune telling thingy. And when she saw me, she told me that she doesn't think that I'll be a very happy and fortunate person in the future.

Which REALLY FREAKING PISSED me off! I mean, it's just soooo rude to shove something I didn't even ask for into my face, whatmore it's so negative. I almost told her something like "Nobody defines my destiny except myself and my Lord Jesus okay, you stupid cow.", but I thought that it was a bit too hypocritical. Hahaha

Damn annoyed. Suddenly have my very bad fortune told to my face in such an insensitive manner. Ergh. -_-

Pictures! The whole reason my parents insisted we visit Singapore was 'cause my cousin recently gave birth to a baby. =D

Awwww now isn't he adorable? His dad is korean, and I think the baby has his dad's korean eyes. O.o

Anyway his name's Johnathan. Which is a nice name ... considering the fact that my cousin almost named him Pluto. O_o''

Hehe my maternal instincts have officially emerged! ME WANTS CUTE BABY. Rawr.

I didn't even take a lot of pictures, since we didn't do anything. Except visit my cousin's shop and shopping. So I camwhored in the toilet. (Wtf)

... And took pics with the baby. :D

Oh yeahhh, I met Jojo Struys in my cousin sis's beauty shop in Marina Square (or something). She's a model/TV host/Malaysian actress if you didn't know ... I heard about her from Jaclyn, who was swooning over how pretty she is. She's apparently rather good friends with my cousins? O.o

She is very nice and seems very down-to-earth in real life. I took a picture with her, though I look like a shitbag next to her. -_-

I cropped out a bit of me 'cause I'm mortified at how large I look beside her. Wtf

And ohhh, SG girls seem so dolled up! O_o So many of them had fake eyelashes and were wearing dresses in shopping malls.
I feel inferior when I'm there. Like I'm so immature and lazy to dress properly and put on more makeup. :(

Okay I haven't decided on my New Year's resolution yet. Damn.

Anyway, my new year's eve was rather ... interesting. I feel bad that I couldn't make it to Jaclyn's farewell thing though I was back from Singapore at the time. =( But ah well ... everything was, like I said, rather interesting.

Of course the best part of the night was when someone opened a bottle of whiskey, and I immediately became a lot more friendly and cheerful after a few sips of it. Hahaha!

Okay, gonna go decide on my new year's resolution before the day ends. Omg I have no idea.

2006 was a really good year. 2007, bring it on!!! (am hoping that 2007 will be even better *ahem ahem*)

A tribute to 2006

2006-12-28T16:29:00.000+08:00

OMG am super emo at the moment. Did you guys realize that 2006 is practically OVER?!

Ohmygosh I'm not ready for a new year! T_T Okay I know I'm overreacting, but I just feel like I'm not ready to say goodbye to 2006. =(

So I was trying to remember all the good stuff (and bad) that happened throughout the year just now. Then it hit me - what better way to *remember* it than to read my blog? :D I spent an hour reading all my 2006 posts and emo-ing at some of the pictures I posted.

This is gonna be a looong picture post.

Highlights of 2006:

Went to Singapore in the beginning of the year. Ended up camwhoring in my aunt's big spooky old house. =/

Went to Frasers Hill in March with some friends. It was fun! :D

Dyed my hair red. Back when I had bloody long hair.

Still good friends with those that matter. =D At least we kept in touch yo!

**** at this point of writing this post, I'm extremely pissed 'cause StreamyX is severely screwed up today. However, I shall not give up! Wtf!*****

Enrolled in college. College life can be somewhat hectic and unpredictable, but so far, I'm liking it. :D

I love my new college friends too!

Discovered BOOZE. O__o I wanna post up pictures of my friends and I, with booze, but a huge sense of guilt and wtf-ness is coming over me. Mwahaha!

(But thank God THANK GOD I didn't pick up smoking as a habit.)

Went to camp in Pahang during August. And it was a really good experience really, kind of memorable and it was super fun to get to know my college friends more. Heh heh.

fun in the sun yo!

My so-called group O.o

Went to Camerons with Jaclyn and my family in September.

For the first time ever, I puked from drinking too much vodka. O.o

Still best friends with Jaclyn.

Ohmygosh I can't believe Jaclyn's going to NS in TERENGGANU and will be away for three months. =(((( Our lives are SO connected, it's hard to picture a week without her lame commentaries on everything ... =/

I mean, who is gonna listen to me emo in the middle of the night? Who is gonna be there to offer me dumb advice whenever I'm in deep shit? =(

And I'll be going to Singapore, which means that the last time I hung out with her is ... today. By the time I come back, she'll be in Terengganu. WTF! I can't even go for her farewell party! =(((

Ok I am officially best friend-less for three months. Who wants to have a temporary go at being my best friend? :D Send me emails with your details. Wtf x 1000

I created a wishlist. =)

I'm happy that I got two out of the four! And I don't really mind that I didn't get the first one, 'cause I got better. =)

(Er ... sort of.)

Still don't have a TV, though.

I'm happy that I blog, cause I get to keep funny convos. :D

Was in lust three times this year. Okay okay, I shall not bullshit to anyone, myself especially, that I was ever in LOVE. Despite how emo and supposedly heart-broken I got.

First guy was some freaky religious dude I met last year who was convinced he wasn't gonna start dating 'till he was 21. Second and third, I met about the same time ... Second one was hot. Period. Third one I liked for his wit, though things ended up pretty badly.

I wish I could post up pics but I once vowed to never post pics of myself and guys that I'm not STEADILY dating in my blog. Bagi saspens sikit kan?!

Anyway not everyone knows who they are. And not planning to reveal their cute faces to busybodies. (wtf hahahahaha)

Received my very first uber kiss in the middle of this year! :D

And no, it wasn't with myself ... LOL. Cause I obviously didn't take a picture of my real first kiss. For obvious reasons.

I remember bullshitting and bragging to some friends back when I was 15 that I wasn't gonna let anybody kiss me until I'm 18, to signify my er ... journey into adulthood. At least now I have bragging rights, since I did somehow accomplish that. LOL

And I guess first times are DAMN important. Cause after my treasured first one was gone, I seem to take kisses a lot less seriously than I used to already. I mean, my second kiss was less than two months after that! When it took me 18 years to get to the first one ... =/

I wish that I gave it to like, my first love or first steady boyfriend, but oh well ......
Regret regret. =(

Bought my first ever uber condom! ......

....... For Jaclyn's Christmas present. =P

I told her that she should keep condoms in her bag, so that JUST IN CASE anything happens and she gets raped at clubs or something, at least she has protection! LOL

I know, I'm evil.

--------

Sigh sigh ... super emo as I'm typing out this post now. And the internet connection is majorly screwed ... something about an earthquake in Taiwan affecting the world line? O.o

And because I'm having a freaking hard time posting up pictures, I guess I'll end here. =(( Cause I haven't even started packing for Singapore yet!
Yup, that's how "excited" I am about going.

Very gay, I know. O.o

Anyway, you guys have a GREAT new year's eve yeah! I will be spending it in Singapore, though I really truly would rather much spend it at home.

Lalala hohoho hum hum boring post you can ignore

2006-12-25T19:17:00.000+08:00

Okay, while I'm typing this, I'm half-drunk (sorta) and somewhat kind of tipsy. Hopefully I can still form coherent sentences though. There's no point in going to sleep now while I'm still giddy and shit, 'cause I'd end up tossing and turning anyway. -_-

So I just came home from Bangsar. Not sure what was the place we went but I think it was called BarFlame. (Pyramid's Flame is better!)

Last time in col, John was bugging the rest of us to go to Bangsar, but since today is only like the second time I've clubbed there, our theory was right: it is definitely macha land. O.o Not being racist ah! It's just funny that in the whole club/bar, my friends and I were like the only chinese, I think. o_O

Christmas eve's countdown was pretty cool. I know I said I'm gonna stay away from the 'Dark Side' of life, but the whole point in me saying that was 'cause I didn't wanna end up being groped by strangers, or worse - making out with strangers. And also, I didn't wanna get hooked on cigs. Drinking is still quite okay in my books - it's what the alcohol makes you do that's scary.

Sooooo ... I was practically the first dood who started dancing, and after that everybody joined in! Since I said I didn't wanna get groped, I ended up dancing with like, 5 different hot chicks. WTF?

I exchanged names with two of them and talked a bit, but I can't remember the names now. LOLZ. All I know is that two of them are like Iban and Kadazan. Or something like that. Damn hot ah.

Actually, I think that my friend's theory might be right. If I force myself to stay away from guys too much, I might (un)naturally turn to girls instead. WTFx1000

When I was dancing, some dude tried to dance with me and I think he was gonna start coming really close and end up making out with me or something.
(Some of my friends were already doing that ... well. Wtf.)

I sort of shoved him away, and trust me, my shove is pretty strong for a girl's (LOL), before sneering "fuckerrrr". Aiyo just because I'm quite tipsy doesn't mean I'm wearing a sign that says "Come grab me I'm so sexy" okay. And if it's a hot guy also not that pissed off, but this dude face like pukimak wanna touch me ah. Damn tulan sial.

(I just realized that my language is a bit problematic - but nvm lah)

Anyway, I've decided to not stress out about things too much anymore. I know that it may sound kinda hypocritical, since I was bitching about worrying about my friends so much in the last few posts .... but I've realized that I can't help them make their decisions in life. I mean ... if people wanna smoke, sleep around, or even do drugs or whatever, what can *I* do, except offer them advice and help when they need it? O.o

My main priority ought to be protecting myself from all those stuff first. I know I'm capable of taking care of myself, but seriously, who am *I* to be a so-called saint anyway. I'm not even remotely religious or a stereotypical 'good' girl. =.=

Okok all I'm saying is - I will never sleep around, do drugs, or pick up smoking as a habit and addiction. But TOUCH WOOD if I ever do - I'll definitely write about it in my blog. Sometimes I worry that I write almost everything here, even shit that wouldn't benefit me if I revealed it to the world and my friends ..... but honestly, would YOU really judge me?

I mean, I highly doubt that any of my friends would waste their time reading my blog, shaking their heads, and start bitching about how screwed up I am to everyone else. =/ Nobody is that evil, riiiight? :D

And I'm a nice girl at heart. honestly. I'm just ... a bit confused, at times. Well hey, at least I admit it. O_O

Mannnn ... I'm kinda worried about my friend right now, who was totally OUT of it when I came home. I hope nothing happens. Brrr

Not quite Christmas

2006-12-25T06:49:00.000+08:00

*quick post before I rush out*

It's really weird. I can't quite fathom it, but it just doesn't feel like Christmas this year. I don't know why. I just don't *feel* the mood, the bliss, or the joy that I usually feel when it's nearing the 25th of December.

Then I remembered - isn't Christmas all about giving? Damn. My stupid kiamsapness got into the way of things this year, and I didn't buy anybody presents. I mean ... I AM broke, but what excuse is that, when I was planning to go out clubbing or something? =/

So I rushed out of the house. And bought (hopefully) everybody presents. Not expensive ones, but I hope that they'll do.

I dunno ... maybe I'm just hoping that giving my friends presents tomorrow will make Christmas feel like it again - a season of love and giving?

Ohhhh well ... Merry Christmas again! Muakz! Sorry if you're my friend and I didn't get you a present yet. I'll make it up to you a thousandfold next year! :D

Lists - sometimes a necessity

2006-12-23T16:48:00.000+08:00

Things I secretly am dying to do (which aren't so secret anymore)... which, probably won't happen anytime soon, if ever:

Fulfill my life-long dream: skinny dipping

Which will not happen anytime soon, considering the lack of venues. Me wantsssssss!

Eat a whole tub of Baskin Robbin's cookies and cream ice cream in one night

... Considering the lack of moolah $_$ and my already escalating weight, this ain't gonna happen either.

A hot guy to climb down my chimney on Christmas ... who wants Santa, hello?

Since the chimney and Santa are nonexistent, much less ...... *sighhh*

Grab someone and give him the kiss of his life under the mistletoe

Hey hey, nobody's supposed to deny a kiss UNDER THE MISTLETOE, RIGHT? :D Win-win situation!
Of course, if the dude (or chick, I'm pretty open. LOL JK) pushes me away, it must mean that I'm practically ugly and undesirable to the max. Or that I'm the worst kisser on earth. OMG can't take the risk ...... *shudder*

Man, I can't believe it's Christmas already! And to think I haven't even finished my Christmas shopping yet.

Okay okay, here's what I REALLY want for Christmas:

1) Exam results that are better that what I'm expecting. If I have this, I'll be a good girl. I swear.

2) Him him him him him. Not gonna say who, but I almost can see the wheels turning in my friends heads when they read this ... *sunny grin*

3) A bicycle? Wtf.

4) Hugs! Now you guys know what to get me. :D I love/dig/need/crave/want hugs. Unless you have B.O. LOL

5) I was gonna buy myself a domain for Christmas, but I decided that I'm too lazy and should just stick to blogger. Hohoho. But it's still on my wishlist. =D Coz I'm pretty satisfied at the moment. Don't think I have anything else in mind that I really want. O.o

Mum if you're reading this you might as well buy me a bicycle or a domain. *fake hopeful puppy-dog eyes*

Okay gotta go sleep! Not sure if I'll blog tomorrow or Christmas eve, so a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS to everyone in advance! :D

Have yourself a very berry merry Christmas. May you all have a lovely night full of love and warm kisses under mistletoes. Since I doubt I'll be getting the kisses, you all can tell me about yours. =( Share the joy yo!

Innocent no more

2006-12-21T17:03:00.000+08:00

Hello world.

I've finally managed to drag my lazy ass in front of my computer to blog. Nobody will believe this, since I was practically lifeless, but I've been actually kinda busy lately. Seriously amazing. Though the way I've been spending lately, the last of my savings are gonna be gone soon, and I'll be back to being Desperately-Miserably-Stuck-At-Home.

On Monday, when we were staying at her place, Cally gave us french manicures. :D For free! Totally nice of her for giving me my first ever manicure. I mean, manicures were never really my thing, since I'm always so clumsy and banging my hands on everything anyway ......

Cally, being a very professional manicurist, giving Jac a lovely french manicure. With the mask and all. :D

And the end result was cool:

I know, I know ... it's very lady-like and not very "ME", but I like it. =D

I'm highly aware that I look really dumb(in a bad way)... but don't look at my face! The nails. :D

Anyway, Tuesday was Ivy's birthday, and Chris, Jac, and I spent it with her at Souled out.

Since I'm such a broke and am very stingy at the moment, I found the food there a little bit pricey. But oh OH, one of the waiters is CUTE. The one who helped us take this pic ... Nyeh heh heh.

Chris, the pretty birthday girl, and moi. ;)

Happy (belated) birthday Ivy! :D I could write a thousand words to describe what a sweet person you are, but words wouldn't come close. =)

------

I'm feeling rather confused and lost at the moment. It's something that I don't think I could blog about, cause it kind of involves someone I'm really close to. And I don't know how to put it into words without revealing who that person is.

Sometimes I wonder if everyone was pre-destined to be somebody. Is a so-called bad person destined to be "bad" from the moment he was born? I know that we all make our beds and we lie in it ... but seriously, sometimes I think that I don't know who I am. Or who I'm supposed to be. It's a very weird and complicated feeling.

I mean, I'm trying really hard to be the girl that I think that I'm supposed to be ... you know, a girl that doesn't sleep around, a girl that gets along somewhat decently with her family, a girl who's loyal to her friends.

But sometimes, I feel like it's sapping out the energy out of me ... And everytime I'm with friends who do stuff that I don't do, or stuff that I'm trying to stop doing, like smoking, drinking, or making out with strangers at clubs and shit ... I feel kind of alienated. Like I'm supposed to choose between them or being good ... because it's really very hard to stay away from those shit when someone you're super close to is falling deeper into it.

I know that I'm not supposed to be judgemental and should just be there for my friends, but I'm just so scared of detesting myself again. I mean, I don't really wanna be a smoker, a drinker, nor do I want to be a slut. Not now, anyway.

So what do I do? Take the easier turn by walking away from them, or continue being there, listening to them talk about pleasures I'm trying to stay away from, while playing the tiresome role of helping them to pick up ther own shit when they get into trouble, only to watch them make the same mistakes again anyway? O_o

It's all very confusing. Now I guess this is a vague taste of adulthood, for gone are the days when mamaks and ice cream were sufficient. =(

I got this picture from Christine yesterday. It was taken two years ago, when a bunch of us went cycling in Putrajaya or something ...

I cringed when I saw the very er .... unladylike and unflattering old picture.
But for some weird reason, if I'm trying to find who I really am, I actually think that this picture "defines" me the best. Wtf O_o

Love thy friends

2006-12-19T15:38:00.000+08:00

I stayed at Cally's place, and the "escape" from my house and usual routine was all I needed to feel extremely satisfied and happy again. :D

Honestly, I love my best friends! What would one do without best friends in life?? I'd seriously be ...... nobody without my friends. *emo* Love you guys, all of my friends. *sniff sniff*

Friends are so important. I'm happy that most of my friends (that matter) and I are still really close, despite some of us having boyfriends or girlfriends. I mean ... it's really weird, but sometimes, I feel like some of my friends would toss their friends aside for the sake of their boyfriends. I don't get it either ... don't you need both?

(Actually, at the moment I only have friends and no boyfriend, but I'm surviving! O.o)

Ah well ... my point is, life would be so dreary and meaningless without friends to share your tears and laughter with. =) Though I find it weird that I'm pretty bad at warming up to new people ... O_o

Ok, gonna post up a proper post later. Hopefully with pictures and all. :D Gotta sleep, man ...

KILL ME

2006-12-16T17:10:00.000+08:00

*edited*

I AM SO BORED!!!

Today was undeniable the worst day of my life, 'cause I officially spent the day doing nothing. Seriously, being bored is such a horrible feeling. =(

Being bored and dead broke, is an even more awful feeling. =(((( Cause without money, I can't even go out. Oh my God!

I was so bored, I spent the whole afternoon watching some emo korean movie (the Classic) on PeekVid and ended up wiping my tears in front of my comp.

I was so bored, I tried to do 30 sit ups and push ups. I could only do it on a mat and not on the floor, wtf. Now my ass bone hurts. If my ass even has a bone. Blah ...

I was so bored, if somebody I detested asked me to kiss him, I'd freaking jump up and scream "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!!!".

I was so bored, I spent an hour of my life sitting on my balcony and staring at all my mum's plants.

I was so bored, I spent the next half an hour playing my guitar and singing mournful emo songs that I barely know the chords to. Wtf. My neighbours must be having nightmares now ......

...... This is bad. o_O'' And next week's Christmas ... I don't even have money to go Christmas shopping. =( My parents don't even wanna give me my monthly allowance, since December is supposedly a holiday.

Wtf is the logic in that! I don't have college means I don't have to eat and socialize issit?!

Please excuse me while I stab myself. =.=

------ EDIT -------

Okay while I'm at it I might as well complain about other stuff. I just realized that I made the biggest mistake of my whole 2006 by cutting off my hair last month.

Stupid lah. I cut it off coz everybody was insisting that my hair was too long (it was long enough to entirely cover my boobs), and that I'd look better with shoulder-length hair. Everybody ~~including the guy I liked~~ mindf*cked me into it and I succumbed. -____-''

See last time my hair was so much cooler!

Ignore the stupid pose ... *points fervently at hair* It was red, braided and LONG.

I'm lazy to post up a picture of my current boring short black hair, but yeah, those who saw my recent pics on my blog should know. O___O

Everybody has new hairdos and cool hair now. While I now am stuck with looking like a desperate housewife. *depressed* Well, minus the hair-dye, make-up and contact lenses (which were my fave bday present ever! right.), I guess I look errrr .... more homely and less high maintanence? Wtf wtf wtf.

Nowadays I only put concealer (okok powder also sometimes), do nothing to my hair, never put eye shadow anymore, contact lenses expired (and not planning to buy again, unless its another present hahaha) and I have nude short nails for guitar. Wtf!

I used to be so much cooler than I am now. O.o'' That is my conclusion.

Okay nevermind me, I'm just finding more reasons to build up the anger and frustration in me. So I can kick ass at badminton and jogging later. ROAR!!!

*scurries off and continues to mope in conner*

P.S. Oh since I'm so bored, I just went through my dressing table and I've realized that it must've been a mistake that I was born a female, cause I don't own a single piece of accessory. At all. O.o I don't have any earrings, necklaces, bracelets, and I only have ONE rubber band and ONE hair clip. Wow!

That's it, I'm officially abnormal. O_o I'd make a super low maintenance girlfriend man, since my bf wouldn't need to buy me anything pretty. Omg

Vows broken, lessons learnt

2006-12-13T02:57:00.000+08:00

So just now, Jaclyn and I were making a list of all the things we vowed we'd do, and not do in the year 2006, a list made back in the year 2005 and I barely got through SPM. It's kind of weird how much more innocent I was back then, even though it was just a year ago.

The list ... somewhat:

To remain single ...

The 2005 me was a lot more wiser, I think. I know that I'm not ready for a relationship. I know that I don't want to be emotionally tied down, cause I wouldn't have the maturity to handle it. Therefore, I actually promised myself that I would be single until I'm emotionally capable to really love, and sacrifice.

However, not that long ago, I was having "flings" with like, 3 or 4 people at the same time. I mean, I don't talk about them much, but with my best friends, I always joked that it was my "Peak Period". To be really truthful, I guess I just plainly kind of enjoyed the attention. *looks at sky*

(in my defence, fling = flirting with the guys who were interested in me, instead of immediately telling the ones that I wasn't interested in to not waste their time. I, being bored and everything, just led them on and went out with them ... *feels sorry* ... Not sex ok!)

But no, I don't really regret it. I mean, life is all about experiencing and learning, eh? But no, I wouldn't repeat a stunt like that ever again. It costed me a lot more than I bargained for ...... the one I really liked. And I was crushed. So yeah, I got what I deserved.

To find love ......

Back then, I wasn't really talking about the love between a man and a woman. I meant finding love in my family, my friends, God, and life ... O_o

But yeah, I did learn a thing or two about love this year. I'm not sure if I found love with a man, though it felt quite close to it ...

I've learnt that just because you really love someone, it doesn't mean that you will never do anything that'd hurt that person. Human nature is just hard to grasp. If someone breaks your heart, it doesn't mean that he/she doesn't love you in their own way. Cheap excuse, but I finally genuinely understand it ...

(I still wish I could say sorry. That I meant everything I said, even if my actions proved otherwise. =( )

I've learnt that there are some people in the world who don't deserve your love, or are people that you may not even know well ... but you just know that you love them. Not that kind of love, but still love nonetheless.

I got to know this Person this year, whom I still wish that I could've gotten to know better. He was braggy, sloppy and downright irresponsible. But he was one of those people that I knew that if I bothered to dig deeper, I'd find a good and worthy person.

(Actually, I felt the same thing when I first met Jaclyn. The personality similarities are so uncanny, it's almost freaky. Wtf)

And yeah, after a little effort, I did find a real person. He didn't want to be a good person, but he had a good heart. Don't ask me why I know, 'cause everything he does is just weird and somewhat dumb ... But I just know. :)

(I am a stubborn person ok. When I make up my mind about someone, despite how much I know him and how long we've known each other, it hardly changes. A lot of people didn't like Jaclyn over the years, but I still stuck with her! Wtf x 2)

So there was a time, with soft music playing in the background and cool breeze caressing our faces ... him, animatedly telling me about his past ... me interrupting and smiling, this Person pulled me closer and held me in his arms for some time, before leaning in and kissing me softly. It was all awfully romantic and was like a scene from a movie, if not for the fact that it was the "wrong" person. Wrong time. Wrong place. We were even kind of tipsy. Wrong, wrong, wrong ...

But in the midst of all the wrongness, something felt right. It was a horrible decision on my part ... but in the middle of all the heartbreak and everything, this Person who was all-wrong, a person who I was incredibly fond of, made me feel hopeful again. That I could love again, feel loved again.

When I pulled away, a thousand things buzzed through my head at the same time. It was all incredibly awkward ... What am I supposed to say? "Sorry"? "Hahaha good kisser, you! Hahaha!"? "Hoho that proved that we should totally start dating for real so I don't come off as a cheap slut wahaha!"?

Instead, I gazed into his eyes, pulled him closer, and held him for a long time. "Thanks ...", I whispered into his ear, before burying my face in his neck to hold back my tears. Despite the both of us being major jerks most of the time (I admit! T.T), at that moment, we were just two human beings. Flawed. He was being a ... guy. And I was being a vulnerable girl who needed someone to hold her and tell her everything's gonna be okay.

I don't know how to ever speak to this person again. But he taught me a few things: 1) Never judge a book by its cover, 2) It isn't generally smart to try to be friends with someone you're physically attracted to, and especially so if the feeling's mutual, and 3) Alcohol is bad.

But I do know this: in that moment, I felt like I really loved him. Though it wasn't true, nor was it the kind of love I felt with *him*. It just scares me, 'cause I can really love people very easily, when I open up and let them in.

And people usually leave. Always leave.

So I was blog-hopping just now, and I came across this blog of a guy, who wrote everything I've always wanted to write. Everything he said were exact replicas of my feelings, it was almost freaky. I was engrossed, captured and awed. How could someone who felt everything I felt, and wrote it so much more eloquently than I ever would even exist?!

It's not possible, I thought. How could this person be a stranger! And for a moment, reading a blog of someone I do not know, reading the thoughts of someone I'll never meet ...... I feel like I could almost fall in love with this stranger.

And this is why I should stop blogging and reading blogs. =) It makes me weirder than I already am. But the thought of me reading my blog ten years later keeps me from deleting it ... I just know that ten years later, I'll be reading this post, and laughing at how immature and childish I was. :D

My blog is just a story of my life. It's the autobiography that I'll never get to write. Everything I write here is just an example of how flawed I really am, but it's honest. O.o'' Though nobody would care if I bullshit all the time or something, I think ...

Holy Shit

2006-12-11T17:10:00.000+08:00

What I am about to reveal is mildly gross and and disturbing.

Okay, since a few days ago, my mum bought some kinda Chlorophyll health drink, which is supposed to be really er .... good. I have no idea what is it for, coz I just consistently drank it for the heck of it.

Anyway, it's REALLY dark green in colour, and doesn't taste bad, since only a tablespoon of it is is added in a cup of water.

But apparently, I noticed that after I started drinking it, I've been ... having urges to go to the toilet a lot more.

Which is good, since I presume that I'll possibly get thinner if I shit more. Hahaha.

But today, I found that my shit was literally green in colour. OMG ewwww.

I swear, it was this green. O_O Was kinda freaked out.

Actually, to pay a tribute to this entry, I shall start saying OH MY SHIT instead of OH MY GOD.

-----

Okay basically, besides the very fascinating discovery of the latest color of my turd, I have absolutely nothing to blog about. I admit that my life is so mundane and uninteresting right now.

I have nothing to worry about. Nothing to obsess over. Nothing in particular to focus on. No important self-inflicted screwed up situation to "save" myself from. No drunken mistakes. No issues with anyone.

It all sums up to a very very terribly boring and repetitive life. =( Why lah all the shit happened when I was supposed to be focusing on my studies, but now that I'm totally free, nothing interesting ever happens?!

God must be working in mysterious ways. Indeed.

This is what a normal and terribly bored girl would do, when stuck at home on a Sunday night with nothing better to do: Camwhore with her webcam. Ohmyshitwtf, damn lame. =.=''

Bored, Hyperactive, Post-examinations Me

Then I wanted to see what I look like when I'm kissing someone.

Ok, I hereby declare that I have officially terminated all narcissistic tendencies of wanting to kiss myself. O_o''

I will also stop bragging that I'm a good kisser. O___O''
(Actually, come to think of it, that's something that I've never bragged about before ... Oops.)

Oh yeah, I was skimming through my computer and I found these pictures I took last week:

My adorable cousin, my best friend and fugly stressed out pre-Examinations me.

My cousins went back to Penang two days ago. I'm not sure if I'm totally HAPPY about finally regaining my privacy, or if I'm really sad that I won't get to play with my cousin bro anymore. =(

Okay when I first looked at this picture, the first thing that came to my mind was, THIS is how a happy family picture would look like if Jaclyn and I were a lesbian couple and decided to adopt a kid together.

WTF! Damn disturbing. I'm suddenly so grateful that I'm 99% straight.

I still miss my cousin though. =( But when he was living with me, I secretly couldn't wait for him to go home, cause he kept on stealing my food! -_-

Normal blogging will resume shortly

2006-12-10T13:00:00.000+08:00

I .... am .... ALIVE! *gasp*

I just hate exams. Damn, can't seem to find time to update at all whenever there're exams. Ohhh, my exams were a nightmare.

Despite having a really great current C.G.P.A, and doing really well in most of my courseworks, I'm still gonna end up at the bottom of the heap anyway. SHIT.

Anyway, I have a whole month of hols ahead of me! Who wants to hire me for any part time jobs? I'll make an excellent uh ... santa's wife? Rudolph? Hire me anyway! :D

Oh anyway, my phone's currently in the hospital right now. =( Which means I haven't been taking any pictures all week. Actually come to think of it, the camera would've been useless anyway, since I was in dreary exam halls all week. Hmm ...

I really hope that my holidays will be fun. Or, at least, substantial. I'm always hungry for adventure ... And looking at the boring state my life is in right now (note: no love life, still a virgin and intends to stay one, no more fascination with booze), I already smell trouble coming up soon enough. I just have a knack for spicing up my own life. Heehee.

Who wants to meet up with me during my hols! I'm damn bored lah. I can be quite friendly when I'm in a good mood, and relatively normal looking. And I don't bite! ......... hard. LOL

Okay, I'll write a decent post soon enough. Ok since when are any of my posts decent anyway? Hahahaha

Am currently watching:

Chobits. I'm watching it from PeekVid, which is an awesome site for TV shows. It's about a boy and a robot who fall in love ... kinda sweet and funny, actually. But OMG, I just proved everyone's theory that I have weird taste to be right ... I mean, of all animes, I deliberately chose one about the love between a human and ROBOT? =.=

Sexuality

2006-12-04T18:36:00.000+08:00

I have a secret: I like to sleep in the nude. Not all the time, though. Okay actually, it isn't REALLY a secret, since I think that it's a common thing, and that I've probably told a lot of people before ...

But really. I DO like sleeping naked, I just like the feeling of my comforter grazing my skin. I like the breeze that caresses my whole body freely, not just my face and neck. But most of all, I really like lazily climbing out of my bed, to sleepily glance at my nude reflection in my dressing table while I'm staggering towards my wardrobe, and like what I see.

I mean, I donno if it's anything to do with my body-image or whatever, but I really like the way my body looks, despite the bulge in my tummy and other big flaws. I'm not sure if everyone feels the same about their bodies, but they should. (you were born with your body - LOVE IT, BABY!)

I actually have this secret conviction (which is officially not a secret anymore) that I look my best when I'm naked, stripped of clothes, make-up, and everything. And I'm secretly kind of proud that nobody has ever seen my uh ... best self. Yet, anyway.

Does anyone ever feel this way about their bodies? O_o'' I wonder.

Anyway, digressing, I've been thinking about sex a lot lately. NOOO, I'm not thinking about it in a sexual way (translation: I'm not hooked on porn or erotica, nor am I actually doing it), but I'm just thinking about it. I'm just thinking about sex in a non-sexual way. (Wow, I amaze myself.)

Okay, this still kind of baffles me, but more and more of my friends are uh ... deflowered. Not virgins anymore. Or at least, are involved in sexual activities that practically stripped their "virgin" label away already, even if they haven't technically done it yet. =.=

I can't say that it's morally wrong or right, since morality IS subjective. But actually, I've always believed that I will wait for my wedding night. You know, that my husband should and will be my first and only one.

I mean ... how would I feel if I find out that my HUSBAND has touched, felt and stimulated so many other women before me? My gawd, it would be so disturbing.

But that was then. Now, I'm just so doubtful that I'll be able to have the constant willpower to stick to my so-called beliefs and promises I made to myself. I am a highly sexual creature (OMGWTF AHAHA MY QUOTE OF THE MONTH), and in the heat of the moment, I just don't really think straight. My Gawd.

I used to think that sex, without love, would mean absolutely nothing. But seriously, I never thought of the fact that it doesn't take a person you're in love with to arouse you.

It definitely wouldn't happen anytime soon, since I'm SO staying away from boys for some time, but I REALLY hope that I'll somehow have the strength to stick to my convictions. And not succumb to peer pressure or be easily seduced by hot men. Haha wtf.

I don't really blame some of the people I know for sleeping around. Or at least, sleeping with every boyfriend/girlfriend they have. Because once you've had a bite of it ... I guess you'll always NEED more. O_o'' Though it's only hypothesys on my part, since I have not proven it yet. Hahaha.

Okay, before anybody thinks that I'm sexually frustrated or that I have subconscious desires to mate now, I assure you that these are just very random thoughts. =) Just random ponderings. Like how I occasionally wonder if I'll ever have a hot body and be gorgeous someday. Wahaha.

So yeah ... if fate has it that I ever somehow date you, whoever who's reading this, don't seduce me ah. I'm very fragile and delicate okay. I know that I'm a great kisser and all, but I'm horrible in bed. LOL. Okay, I wouldn't know that, and ~~have a secret conviction that I'll be very good indeed~~ but seks rambang can get STDs wan. Don't play play ah.

Damn, my exams are Tuesday, and I'm still here blogging about pre-marital sex. OMG

A very big blow

2006-12-03T16:00:00.000+08:00

Post deleted.

Personal reason. I worked things out with my friend, she apologized, and she asked me take out the post just in case people figure out who is it. Hahaha wtf.

an excuse for procrastination

2006-12-02T16:59:00.000+08:00

My maternal instincts are burninggggg!

I just watched Rob-B-Hood. *big motherly grin* And the baby is SO ADORABLE. Me wants!!!

I keep on cuddling my cousin brother. Heehee.

Anyway, newly acquired mother instincts aside, I have my bloody exams next week, and I have not started studying a single thing. *looks at sky*

Last sem, I did pretty well without studying much, but I doubt that I'll luck out again this time. Anyway, I got the highest in my class for my graphic comm coursework mars, isn't that great? I'm happy. :D

Okay, I'll just post up random pictures I took for the past few days.

Cally and I in Wong Kok.

Dad had a birthday gathering thingy two days ago, and we invited a bunch of close friends and family to our place for steamboat.

And my cool sis bought me ...

:D Vodka!

Kinda ironic, since it IS my dad's birthday gathering. ;-)

I will be the most perfect mom ever, cause I'm so nice to my cousin bro. Within a few days, I've taught him how to whistle and wink at chicks. I've taught him a couple of pick-up lines, like 'Hey pretty lady ... *wink*' and etc. See, I even drew a moustache on him!

My cute cousin

Aww so cute.

My cute future son

Okok lari tajuk a bit. HAHA

My dad's friends, my best friends, and my family.

Anyway, one of my dad's pastor friends says that his daughter reads my blog! O_o Hi girl if you're reading this! :D

-----

Friends and I

I've just realized that I always look like a chink-eyed sick cat in pics that're taken from a distance. Oh wait, I AM a chink. Anyway, this is such a formal pic with our formal poses. -_-

Haha better.

------

The night before she left, my sister took my best friends and I out clubbing. And it was a blast. I mean, her friends were all freaking NICE and cool, even though there's a huge age gap between us.

We went to Qba, in Westin Hotel or something. I've never been there before, but it was awesome. Damn, talk about hot guy heaven. ;)

Didn't take pics cause I didn't bring my camera, but here are a few from our phones.

Everybody was drinking, smoking, and getting stoned. Seriously, it's damn fun, but I doubt that I'll adopt clubbing as a lifestyle. For one, I can't afford it (unless I'm going out with my sis, since she takes the bill. LOL) and I should just stay away from booze, cigs and whatnots for a bit.

I once swore I will never get hooked, and I shall not prove myself wrong. Gambatei!

Actually, the ONE thing good about going clubbing, especially if it's with my sister and her friends or something, I get to meet a lot of older people. Older, working people. Which is kinda cool, cause I managed to get contacts of people who offered me internships at their companies. :D

I need a job, an internship, or to do some voluntary mission work or something, since I have a one-month long holiday ahead of me after my exams.

I mean, I should be out there in the world, actually doing something with my time ... instead of hanging out in mamaks comparing love-deprived lives with single friends.

Okay, gotta go sleep. I AM supposed to be studying but lalala ........

Family Fabulosa

2006-11-29T17:19:00.000+08:00

Hello boys and girls, my sister is home. :D Which means, there are eight people bunking at my very small and humble 3-room apartment. Don't ask me how we managed to squeeze. O.o''

Anyway, I watched James Bond today with my pals, and came home to find a cake and my whole family (... well, my sis and my uncle's family, that is) waiting for me. I was absolutely dubious and surprised.

SURPRISE, SURPRISE ...... I forgot my dad's birthday. =_=''

me: "Eh who bought the CAKE?" ^_^

mum: "Errr it's your FATHER'S birthday? Ohh by the way, three of your friends added me to friendster! Ask them to come for steamboat tomorrow! I wrote testimonial for John and Cally!"

me: "Ahahaha yeah of course, dad's birthday, I didn't forget lah... Heehee... UHHH you wrote my friends testimonials?!?"

Ah, my mother is certainly warming up to the joys of friendster. =.=''

Daddy, blowing the candles!

I totally forgot to buy my dad a present, dammit. =( But aww dad, you know I love you. You're a bit childish and a pain in the butt at times, but still pretty cool, when you want to be.

Ok ladies and gentlemens, I shall hereby formally introduce my family to you. Since I talk about booze, wet dreams, my friends, and all kinds of shit but I barely blog about my family! (wtf)

The very eccentric and dysfunctional Lee family:

Man, I look like a sick potato next to my glowing sis.

I swear to God, this has got to be our first family picture(s) in ... 5 years? 7 years? O_o

My sister is REALLY independant and really cool. I have a lot of respect for her, since she's so fucking rich and successful now, even without a college education. My biggest aspiration in life was to be just like her, but I kind of gave that up a few months ago, when she bought her third house (shared with bf, but still!) in Hong Kong which has the direct view of HK Disneyland. WTF!

This absolutely ADORABLE kid is my youngest cousin brother. Okay, so technically, he isn't blood-related to me. Complicated shit ... but who cares about blood relations! Not important to me.

I always wanted a little brother. =) And he fits in really nicely. Though I spent at least Rm30 on him in less than three days, just because he's oh-so-cute and I can never resist an oh-so-cute boy. *grin*

This second cousin of mine's named Ee Ching, and she's gonna grow up to be really gorgeous someday. She's still going through the awkward puberty stage, but she has really nice doe-like eyes, an oval face, delicate features, and pouty lips.

She'll be so pretty someday. She's really dark, about two tones darkner than me, so she has that whole racial ambiguity thing going on for her, cause she doesn't look chinese ... more like mixed malay or something. I want!

The eldest cousin who's staying with me. I kind of have a nagging suspicion that she has an online boyfriend, and I tried to play the role of a caring older cousin sister and tried to dig information about her lovelife the other day.

me: "Do you have a boyfriend?" (haha, straight to the point sial)

she: "Noooo ..."

me: "Hehe okay, why not?"

she: "Penang guys all not handsome lah! Aiyo KL guys better ..."

me: "...... o_O"

Well, coming from a 14 year old, that kind of shocked me. So young also so superficial already! LOL. Anyway, when *I* was 14, I was too busy being a nerd to give a damn about handsome boys.
Oh wait, there was Ezra ......

*ahem ahem* ANYWAY. I still suspect that she has an online boyfriend. I wanted to talk to her about it and share my two cents worth of opinions, but I figured ... whatever rocks her boat. I've never believed in online loveromancedatingwhatevershits but she should know how to make her own decisions in life.

For her own sake, I just hope that she won't be a commitment phobe like her older cousin sister. *cough*Me*cough* ... Seriously, I was thinking about it, and I've realized that I've never been in a REAL relationship before! WTF. Sure, I've dated people before, but I've never had a REAL relationship that lasted for more than 4 months, nor have I truly been deeply in love before. Not the real thing yet, anyway.

Damn sad case man. =(

Okay, end of lame "family introductory" post. Awww, now don't you just feel like you know me more? :D

Haha I'm damn lame.

Mr "Emotionally Unavailable"

2006-11-28T16:00:00.000+08:00

A little less than a year ago, back when I was still busy traffic whoring and living a very mundane life, I met a very fascinating person.

He is one of those people that I can barely describe. Everytime I try, I'm at a loss for words. He had the recklessness of a wild stallion, a cocky grin that was always a half-smirk yet shone with genuinity, and the sense of humour of Homer Simpson's. (Haha wtf, stupid metaphor.)

I thought he was perfect. He was witty, unintentionally funny, and really warm when he wanted to be. What intrigued me the most about him was his unbelievably carefree nature. It was like nothing in the world bothered him, and he seemed to breeze through life with ease ...

But as I dug deeper into knowing this fascinating person, I soon found him to be one of those Emotionally Unavailable people. You know, the people who have a commitment phobia. People who are so afraid of letting people into their lives, they push the people who care about them away. People who screw things up, like men who cheat on their wives whom they love, because they seem to have this ability to hurt ... and also hurt themselves.

Emotionally Unavailable people are happier off alone, as the thought of having "burdens" in their lives scares them. Having people who genuinely care about them is intimidating, for they always feel like they'll somehow always end up hurting them.

Mr EU was such a person. Behind all his reckless, carefree partying ways, there was a person ... A person he didn't seem to want the world to see. Sometimes when we were alone, he'd let me catch a glimpse of the person that he really is. And sometimes, when he realized that he'd revealed too much, he'd push me away.

He did not hesitate in fervently warning me that he'll definitely end up hurting me. "Look, I'm a total bastard when it comes to girls, I just really don't want you do ever get hurt by me. You won't understand this now but you will someday.", he told me. But somehow, I saw something in him that I believed in.

I see myself in him. The same "I don't give a fuck" exterior, the same committment phobia, the same tendencies to hurt the people we love the most, and the same way we both felt scared to reveal our real selves to the world. But one thing that differentiated us was that he was absolutely comfortable in remaining exactly the way he was. Mr EU had no aspirations, no dreams, no burning desire to be a great person. I was always kind of screwed up, but I never denied the possibility that I could, maybe, someday be a Somebody.

It's kind of hard to explain, but we were never comfortable around each other whenever there were other people around. It was as though we wanted to hide each other from the world as much as possible. Like a secret fetish, or a forbidden affair.

Anyway, I played a lot of "hot and cold" games with Mr EU, pushed him away and pulled him back in, until I got tired. We both have the same problem with love, so why can't we try to work it through, together, right? I broke my own rule and tried to let him into the doorways of my heart. But he always hesitated, took slow steps, and stopped whenever he was about to step right in.

And he still kept on pushing me away with his wild ways and cold exterior. Just like he warned me, he hurt me. I turned around and finally walked away.

But something in me twitched, and I turned around to look at him again. One last time. And I saw something in his eyes ... pain, maybe. The "I'm sorry" that his eyes revealed but his lips couldn't open to say.

"You know what? You are a bastard. Just like you said. But I still think that you're a good person.", I told Mr EU with a rueful smile, before really turning around and walking away.

There are just some people in the world who do the shittiest things ever ... but you know that they're good people with good hearts and the inability to make the right decisions. You just know. That night, I wrote in my diary, 'I swear, I'll someday finish what I started with you. This chapter is not closed. Not yet.'

I have not spoken to Mr EU ever since the last we talked. But a few months ago, I met another person who REALLY reminds me of him. The same carefree spirit, irresponsible devil-may-care nature, and even the somewhat same cocky half-smirk grin. But this second person was more shy, less sure of himself, and had an oddly cute vulnerable side he barely revealed. I was instantly intrigued by him, and I'll call him Mr Vodka. (haha wtf!)

Just like Mr EU, we never felt comfortable around each other when other friends or people were around us. When we were alone, we were like two absolutely different people who talked about everything and made each other laugh. He was my secret fetish ... something I genuinely liked, but not something I'd happily reveal to the world with glee.

Anyway, this is not a mushy love story. Mr Vodka was also Emotionally Unavailable, just like Mr Eu and me. We liked each other, but not exactly enough to start anything substantial, and I liked someone else more. He was a good person who screwed everything up, and from experience, I already knew that he'll unintentionally end up screwing up my life too. But still, a good person.

You see, I was just wondering, was everything I "started" with Mr Vodka a way of me "finishing what I started" with Mr EU? Will this be a continuous pattern of me being attracted to Emotionally Unavailable men, on a quest of trying to prove the Impossible, that Emotionally Unavailable people could change?

Today, I was at the shopping mall where coincidentially, Mr EU and Mr Vodka have hung out with me before. Going through a rack of men's shirts that were on a huge discount, I noticed this guy who REALLY looked like the cross between Mr EU and Mr Vodka. He had the same racial ambiguity they both have, Mr EU's hair and eyes, and Mr Vodka's bone structure. =D

We somehow started making small talk about how insanely cheap the clothes were. He even had the same easy-going laugh! But before we could talk about anything normal, my uncle, aunt and three young cousins hopped into the shop and embarrassed me beyond belief by mistaking him for a salesman.

We both exchanged embarrassed smiles and goodbyes, and I quickly hurried out of the shop, while dragging my cousins along with me. -_- We didn't even exchange names. No chance for me to ever find out if he's one of emotionally unavailable ones or not.

Hehe, it must've been a sign. A sign from above that goes, 'Eliza, wake the fuck up and stop trying to finish what you supposedly started. The Chapter's finally closed.'

Instead of trying to change an Emotionally Unavailable man, I really should just concentrate on changing myself. After all, I'm one of them too, eh?

Allow me a moment to be completely speechless.

2006-11-27T10:01:00.000+08:00

Okay, so today, I decided to check my friendster friends request list, just for fun. And because I was bored.

For some really weird reason, so many strangers seem to randomly add me out of nowhere, despite me saying that I don't add people I don't know, or people who don't send me introductory messages, and my friends list just sort of "expanded" till a very long list of 150 people or so. O_o

BUT .... much to my surprise/shock/horror, I found this particular friend request today:

I just sat on my chair, gasped, and practically almost spit rojak at my computer screen.

Okay, if it isn't clear enough, it says "christine" ... and below it is my MOTHER'S FREAKING EMAIL ADDRESS!!!!!111oneone

OMG do you realize the utter seriousness of this situation?! MY MOTHER HAS FRIENDSTER. OMGWTFBBQx1000000!

Breathe, breathe, breathe. Inhale, exhale.

I realized that I was probably freaking out too much over a small matter, so I calmly checked out her profile.

"Happy to meet new friends with common interests"?!? OMG.

I dunno whether I ought to feel relieved or incredulous that she didn't put her own picture. In fact, she posted up a picture of Fifi.

... A PICTURE SHE TOOK OFF MY BLOG. Obviously, it was one of my older posts. Which therefore confirms my suspicions that she has been reading my blog all along.

Kill me please. Hand me my knife. I've been talking about boys, making out, booze, cigs, wet dreams, and all kinds of shit in my blog. And my mother read it all.

............................................ *speechless*

"occupation: singer" (wtf?!?!)

Oh lookie, her profile has a virtual Fifi! Hahahahaha har har ...... hah.

OMG will someone please explain to me how my mum found out how to do all the copy and paste shit? =/

Okay I'm gonna die crying and sniffing through my half-hearted laughter. Imagine, my mum prolly saw the picture of me mock-biting Cally's boobs in my profile. Ohmigosh!!!

The next thing I know, she'll probably have MySpace. Hell, she might even have IMVU. Or wait ... OMG she might even have a BLOG.

Actually, the other day, my friend was in my house and she told me that she noticed my mother updating something that looked like blogger.com. I laughed at her and told her to stop hallucinating. Of course, that was before I found out she had MSN, Friendster, and reads my blog.

I'm not so optimistic and certain anymore. I'm sorry, mum, if you're reading this. The idea of my best friends reading my blog is kinda weird at times .... but the idea of having your biological mother read about your drunken ramblings is, well, mildly disturbing.

=( If my mother ever has a blog, I'll be sure to post her link up. *wipes silent teardrop trickling on cheek*

P/S. HAHA my friend just pointed this out to me --- if anybody looked at the screenshots I took hard enough, they'd notice that my media player is playing 'Sex'. My friend asked me if I was secretly watching porn, but I swear, I was watching Sex and The City! Hmph.

Stay away from booze!

2006-11-26T14:25:00.000+08:00

Ok so I deleted/edited the post I posted up before this one, cause my friend advised me to let some time go by before I talk about the mistake I made. Cause close friends read my blog, and I have no idea who might be judgemental and make a big deal out of it ... O_o

Btw, I've just realized how easy it is to detect if I'm going through a shitty phase or not. Everytime I make a mistake or am going through an emo phase --- I don't blog!

It's like I'm avoiding all opportunities to talk about my pathetic life. Har har har.

Anyway, to sum things up, I basically made a VERY horrible mistake last week. It was so bad, I was SO upset throughout the whole week, though I tried really hard not to show it.

In a nutshell, I guess I sort of cheated on someone. Okok, assuming that I still really like someone that I'm not dating anymore, and I did something that I SHOULDN'T have done if I still like him ... still considered cheating ar? Or maybe it was just a really weird and awful rebound thing. Har har.

Anyway, I am seriously fucked up right now. Kids, STAY AWAY from booze and cigs! Honestly.

I wanna say sorry to sooo many people. I wanna say sorry to Jaclyn for dragging her to drink and fag with me so often. I wanna say sorry to er, my rebound person. I wanna say sorry to DickFace for no particular reason ... And so many more lah! =(

Ohh, it takes more than a series of obstacles like the ones I'm facing to bring me down! I swear, I won't drink or smoke anymore. If I lived without it once, I'll do it again. Before I get hooked for real ......

Mesti GAMBATEI!

So I solemnly vow to not go to clubs or get stoned/drunk for at least 6 months. Oh, no boys too! I SWEAR. Here are some random pics, just to liven up my boring shitty blog a bit:

Man, I'm too lazy to even photoshop and change the brightness/contrast of the pics. Don't care lah. :D

Veen and I, before we went to Qbar with The Gang.

Errr ... 50% drunk.

Us, and a girl who talked to me and we made friends when I was kind of tipsy. I don't even know her name, but we were damn layan and chatted a bit. I have a VERY interesting story to tell, but I think I probably shouldn't ... *coughs* I'll leave it to your imagination hehe. *wink wink* ;)

John and I in col

We went to play football in Taman Jaya with the guys, and I humped a tree.

This cousin of mine is here for a visit, and he is SO CUTE CAN DIE! Awwwww, me wants kids. Yuck yuck yuck, damn those maternal instincts!

Something to give ya nightmares:

Hahaha, talk about a bad sight! FYI, we're not lesbians. Don't kill me if you see this pic, Marcus.

Damn, what an eventful week I had. Things are finally looking up, but I'm still sort of drained. O_o

Sigh sigh sigh I wish that I would just stop feeling like the most screwed up person on earth. Am I the only one who ever feels this way? =(

Hmm.

2006-11-21T14:01:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I just wish that people would just fucking stop expecting things out of me.

Isn't it ironic, when you sometimes warn people beforehand that you're basically not good enough, and they insist that you have a major case of inferiority disorder and convince you otherwise. And when you simply don't live up, just like you already said you wouldn't, they get bloody pissed and disappointed in you?

Man, fuck you all. I am a stubborn, confused, unsure, arrogant, snappy, selfish and insensitive 18 year old girl. I'm willing to own up to my flaws and embrace them, unlike some dimwits out there who think they're God.

I may fail at improving myself, at being a better person, but isn't that to be expected? I mean, hell, I'm just a normal teenager, who happens to have no sex life whatsoever, and I'm just as lost and as undecided as anybody else out there. Seriously, what do people expect out of me?

My Gawd, I am in the most horrible mood ever. I had an awful day. And the worst thing, is seriously coming home to a house FULL of people, and the sudden realization that you have to share your SMALL room with four kinda big-sized kids for a few days. Omg, my privacy ah!

Anyway, I just heard that some people thought that I made out with this guy in a club yesterday. And to confirm all potential rumours or suspicions, I was much too NOT drunk to make out with a guy and not remember it by today. I highly doubt that I have Alzheimers.

And seriously, if I DID make out with whoever in a club, I would fucking own up to it. You've gotta be kidding me. I don't owe any loyalty to Dickface anymore, and I most definitely don't owe anything to anybody else. And my virginity is still very much intact, thank you very much.

I really don't know what is right or what is wrong anymore. I keep on making really bigass mistakes all the while, and some of the prices I'm paying are really draining too much energy out of me ... but I'm holding on. I have to try, right?

Sigh. My house is noisy. I hate noise. I can't even think about all my shitty problems without having someone screaming up my ear. =/

Some people are just not meant to drink

2006-11-19T11:24:00.000+08:00

Short post. Super uber sleepy! Been sort of busy lately too, gahhh.

Jaclyn Low May Lee, who is currently having her SPM, stayed over at my place yesterday 'cause today's my mum's church baptism thingy - something I wasn't supposed to miss - so I dragged Jaclyn along.

Err ... we decided celebrate my mum's baptism by opening a bottle of white wine. With karaoke. Haha, freaking blasphemous!

Err ... yeah. o_O

So anyway, we finished the bottle pretty fast, and we both got kinda drunk. Especially Jaclyn, cause she drank 60% of the bottle AND two cans of beer. Wtf.

In very clear 'Jaclyn the Drunkard' style, she started singing without the music, flashed her ass and boobs at the webcam when I was hopelessly trying to record a video, and chased Fifi around until she tripped over her and fell on her ass.

She wobbled around and fell everywhere. The next morning, she woke up and found bruises all over her body ...

Which she swears she has no idea where they came from. -.-'' And oh, the bruise on her ass is as big as my fist, I swear.

I love watching people get drunk. Seriously, it's FUNNY. But this time, I was kind of out of it as well, and we ended up spending the whole night talking cock to people on MSN, Skype and to each other.

Example:

Me: Man ... he is SO SO SO SO HOT. Hotter than DickFace and Ezra ah! OMG lalalala mama mia ...

Jaclyn: Haih I can't believe I forgot to wear my bra to SPM accounts paper today.

Me: ... Ultimate *gulp* definition of hotness. But luckily I didn't date him for real also lah 'coz I would be the uglier person in the couple, hohohohoho

Jaclyn: Where's my bra ah? *burppp*

Yeah, load of shit the whole night. Worst thing about it was, we couldn't even sleep! Jaclyn puked the whole night and my legs were itching all over. Which IS an improvement on my part, cause I used to itch all over ......

Then we were forced to wake up at 7 in the morning. For mum's church thingy. O_o

Seriously, this picture cracks me up ... Mannnn. O__O Spot my mama yo!

Okay, gotta go now, kids! I won't be around 'till Tuesday, cause my friends and I will be bunking over at our col friend's place tomorrow. :D Though we're gonna go to Qbar or Flame, NO BOOZE FOR ME THIS TIME, I SWEAR!

No mood to blog 'cause I just got a haircut, lost five inches of hair, and just so happen to look like a fugly clown right now. Time to practice celibacy for six months till it grows out and I look normal again. OMG!

True love

2006-11-16T16:12:00.000+08:00

I am one of those people who believes that true love exists, even in today's world of threesomes, hardcore pornography, and infidelity.

I've always believed that when a man and a woman really love each other, the world would be a beautiful place; a place where only the two of them existed. A world where pleasure and love co-exist, an amazing world with only two inhabitants, a world when each other is everything they'd ever need.

I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. This is kind of weird coming from me, because I always tend to screw things up with guys that I'm dating or getting to know. The truth is, I'm scared.

I don't ever want to be hurt. Which kind of ends up hurting me even more, but at least my pride is saved. I call the shots; I hold the key ... If anything, I ended a potential disaster, not the other way around. If a guy ever made me vulnerable, made me love him ... and dumped me, that will definitely kill my ego.

I want to be able to stand on my own, you know, to not be so caught up in lust and getting myself tangled with a string of random guys I'll never remember. I want to believe that somewhere out there, there is a guy, one man that I'm destined to be with. I want to know that I'm strong enough to survive on my own, to wait for the day he magically appears in my life.

I want to believe in love. True love. A kind of love that ignites lust, and not the other way around like how it usually is. Something different, that makes us feel like our bodies are not merely sexual objects like all the shit that's on MTV. That for once in our lives, our bodies were merely created for each other, and only each other.

But I feel so weathered, weary and cynical now. Honestly, why do I even feel this way? Heck, I'm only 18 - not very "mature" in the world of dating. There was a time when I'd feel kind of flattered whenever a guy hits on me, but now whenever it happens, I just feel like heaving a bigass sigh and curtly telling the guy to stop playing his mindfucking games with me. I just don't buy it anymore.

This is a post that reeks of confusion. I don't even know what exactly am I writing about.

You know the intense surge of feeling when you feel something so physical about a guy/girl? Sometimes, it's not even physical attraction. It's inexplicable, how some people could make you feel a different kind of high, while others can't. Yet you know that the high you feel is not love.
It's physical.

You probably don't care to know about his/her family, his deepest darkest secrets, and heck, you might not even give a shit if he had 20 ex girlfriends or a S&M fetish. You just don't really feel the need to know, because it doesn't matter. He or she makes you feel like you're on cloud nine, just by smiling at you, a deep laugh, a gentle caress.

It's inexplicable. It's not love. It's probably lust. But it still is a connection. He or she makes you feel like not giving a fuck about moral values, and makes you feel like dropping your naive belief in soulmates. You just want to leave all your worries, responsibilities, and the people you really love behind and drown in his or her touches.

Magic ... it almost feels like it, how the weight on your shoulders suddenly feels lighter. But not quite it, because nothing about it feels magical.

For some of us, the ones that are less lucky in love, why don't we just screw our beliefs, fling away the memories of the one we truly love, and opt for what's possible and dangling in front of our own eyes? A personal drug to miraculously wipe away our problems.

What really scares me is that the "personal drug" just makes you feel so good, even before you've had a real taste of it. It could be addictive. It could maybe even suck. It could be sold at a higher price than what I'm willing to pay.

Yet I couldn't stop myself from reaching for it, and taking just a small sip of it. It wasn't love. The world did not become a more beautiful place. And I realized that all the while, I didn't even know what the drug was made of.

It's just a freaking drug. The connection felt so good, life felt so high ... but love must be more than that. It must.

Karaoke, videos, and wedding songs.

2006-11-15T14:43:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, my college friends came over to my place to have a karaoke gathering. With beer and food, what else could be better?

It was really fun playing Tekken, singing oldies and talking crap. Of course, we err ... conveniently sort of forgot about our supposed evening class. *looks at sky*

Sorry God, please forgive us for we have sinned.

Galriad, Veen and I camho-ing in front of the webcam

My college friends are totally cool. They're nice, down-to-earth and not the gossipy backstabbing kind. :D It's fun hanging out with them, no complicated dramas at all.

Plus, *most* of us are interested in people that're not in college, which makes it even better, since crushy-wushy shits are not good for friends. =D

Veen, Galriad, John, Andrew, Fifi and I. Haha Fifi looks so cute on top of John's head!

We even took a video of the boys singing. LOL

It's not even lip-synching, like the crap I used to do. *malu* This is the real thing yo! Damn funny somemore!

Andddddddd, my second uber duber super vlog! I've decided to post up a video every post, since it only takes me like, 5 minutes, to record a video. :D So if people wanna watch the lame vid, they can, or not they can just ignore it and read the post.

I reckon that even though I may sound weird and look really awkward now, I can only improve with time. It will do good for my impromptu crapping skills.
You see lah, someday my videos will be super funny okay!

Ohhhh I really am SO in love with Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack's song, Tonight I Celebrate my Love for You. When I get married, it will definitely be my wedding song. ;)

Though I can't sing for shit, my fiance and I will duet on that song during the wedding dinner. Which will ultimately put us in the mood for some ... celebration after that. HEEHEE

Three songs that MUST be played during my wedding:

Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack's Tonight I Celebrate My Love for You *wipes teardrop*

Bread's If
... which is a beautiful song. Seriously.

Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt

... just joking about the third one. :P

Since I am currently competing for the title Queen of Webcam-whoring, I'll end this post with a picture.

OKAY WTF that's the lamest way to end a post. =.=

Now, THIS is the shit!

2006-11-13T16:01:00.000+08:00

Today, I went to Low Yat Plaza to buy a thumbdrive. I ended up buying a LOT more than what I'd bargained for ...

Oh yeahh, one of the salesman was so weird, cause he kept on bragging to me about his mansions and shit. And he was like "You know if I'm not unavailable, I'd bring you out to dinner!". But the weirdest thing was, when I was testing out the card reader with my own MMC card, he printed out two pictures of me! To test the glossy papers and show off his chun printer, wtf.

Anyway, I ended up buying a thumbdrive, a card reader ... and the best of it all, a WEBCAM!!!111oneone

Yes, the gold paper thing is my printed FOC picture. O_o I'm kinda fascinated by the paper, though!

The amount of cash I spent today would've sent me straight into Doomsville, but I managed to ~~mindfuck~~ persuade my dad into paying for the webcam! :D

SO COOL ... I never knew webcams were so fun! Mine isn't really clear, and the images look kinda orangey since my hall light's orange ... but I LOVE IT.

Now I can make stupid faces all the time:

Wah why my teeth black colour wan!

Now I can see mah homies all da time yo!

Now I can easily drag people and animals (and occasionally objects) around me to camwhore with!

Haha Fifi looks so stoned in the last pic.

AND I ALSO GET TO RECORD INCOHERENT, DUMB VIDEOS OF MYSELF! :D

Man, sometimes I crack myself up. Wtf is with me, saying "The thing about recording videos is that I always say really dumb and retarded things ... OHH LET ME SHOW YOU MY DOG"?!

Ok the next step I'll take in taking advantage of this wonderful creation of mankind is to record a video of myself doing a striptease in front of the webcam. Which, of course, will be my ultimate secret project that I'll keep to myself, and not tell a single soul.

Okay, enough crap for today. :D Webcam is the shit yo! Who has webcam, let's check each other out in MSN!

My only rule and regulation is that he/she must not wank. This is extremely forbidden.

If I died ..

2006-11-12T17:18:00.000+08:00

Yesterday night, I plopped on my bed as usual, ready to get a good night's worth of beauty sleep.

... My head landed on a pair of scissors. O____o Which wasn't facing up, if not I would be like, DEAD.

So after that very dangerous near-death experience, before I dozed off, I kept on thinking really morbid thoughts ... What if the scissors REALLY pierced through my big skull and killed me? O_o What if that was the last moment of my life?

Seriously morbid. Because young people do not think of death so much, unless they've experienced a very scary near-death experience like me.

If I died, I wouldn't get to hold Fifi anymore!

If I died, I wouldn't get to say a very big FUCK YOU to the people who laughed at me just because Dickface was an indian+chinese. And when I had a fling thing going on with this other guy before dickface, and some people found out his race, they did not *only* just laugh, man. How could I rest in peace, knowing that I was so discriminated against?!

If I died, there would be one less anti-racist person on earth. HAHAHA

If I died, nobody would steal money, food and beer from daddy anymore. Wtf.

If I died, Jaclyn would officially be best-friendless. She wouldn't have anybody to bitch about her weird fetishes, eccentric opinions, and grow fat with anymore!

If I died, I would never get to mend the wounds in my relationship with my sister anymore. And that's just ... sad.

If I died, Malaysia would lose an amazing, cute, wonderfully talented young woman who definitely would have contributed to the country in big ways someday. (Wtf)

If I died, I wouldn't get to buy my stupid domain, ever. =(

If I died, all my friends would be less entertained cause they wouldn't get to hang out with me anymore, and listen to me bitch about my stupid endeavours!

If I died, they'll probably read the unsent letter I wrote to dickface in my funeral, which will undeniably lead me to break down the doors of heaven and return to my corpse to stop them from reading it. HAH

If I died, there will be one less fakely competitive, permanently late, nerd-wannabe chick in college who breaks rules by wearing skirts.

Ok, my conclusion is, if I died ... the world would NOT be a better place. 8-)

Life is boring and mundane, but at least I'm still alive. *sleepy grin*

I wanna blog properly and post pics but my USB cable isn't working. *sleepy sigh*

Freak of the Century

2006-11-09T14:14:00.000+08:00

This is the reason why every heterosexual male on earth with raging hormones ought to be mighty glad and popping champagnes, rejoicing the fact that I'm not their girlfriend:

*insert x-files theme song* (wtf)

ME, sans make-up and with a freaking yellow MUD mask = fugliest mode

HAHAHAHHAHA WTF! I think I'm the only girl with the guts and the "freeness" to camwhore when I'm putting on a facial mask.

The things I do, I crack myself up! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA HA .... HAR ...... ha ...... *lame laughter fades off*

Call me Liz the yellow elephant, yo!

Man, totally lost ALL of my sex appeal with the revealing of that horrendous picture. If there was any at all in the first place to begin with ... ~~which I doubt~~ ...

Hehehe, okok. Sometimes I scare myself. Tsk, the things I do for my blog!

*cheh wah*

Lazy, sickly, SHORT update!

2006-11-07T13:58:00.000+08:00

I am sick. =/ Sore throat, flu and a tinge of fever.

But I ate pizza, roti tissue, iced leng chee kang, Lychee dessert, and a bigass tuna sandwich today, and I'm totally recovered now. :D Yes yes, I eat like a horse, I know. I put on like at least 3 KG since the holidays!

*slaps self* Okok, must not rant about weight. Must not complain about being fat. Life is good. ~~I am fat.~~

Anyway, let me tell ya guys how I got sick. Two days ago.

So okay, Jaclyn and I have this favourite kid (HAHA okay that sounded so wrong) whom we think is absolutely adorable. He's only five and he winks at us all the time, whistles, and always goes, like, "Hey pretty ladies ... How are ya?!", with a fake-deep voice and wink.

HOW CUTE IS THAT? He's only five and he's more suave than most twenty year olds I know. :D He is so gonna be a player when he grows up.

Anyway, we met his dad yesterday. The kid pulled us towards him, while squeaking, "Ladiesss ... meet my dad!"

The dad was quite hot.

The cute kid huffs at his dad and goes "Daddyyy, show them MUSCLES!"

The dad wiggles his eyebrows at us and flexes his biceps. "Ladies ... wanna see? *wink*"

Okay, it is pretty obvious where the Cutest Kid on Earth inherited most of his personality. But that is not the point.

THE DAD IS HOT OMGWTFBBQ! He was wearing a long-sleeved BLACK T shirt, and when he flexed his muscles, you could practically see the outline of all his abs and biceps. Six packs ok! Don't play play ah!

Jaclyn and I were both sort of speechless. And after that, we had a series of very heated debates and arguments (I was arguing that a hot body totally beats a cute face, she insisted a cute face is better. I was insisting that we should start going to gym to gain some yummy stomach muscles, she believed that it would be pointless anyway, since we don't wear revealing clothes.)

Anyway, the whole relation to the Yummy Dad story to how I got sick, is because we talked and debated for too long, until it finally rained, and we had to run around like wet gooses to get to a nearby restaurant. =.= Which, by then, I was already half-sick.

"Dude, I'm freaking wet!!", I exclaimed, when we reached the restaurant.

"Same la wtf.", Jaclyn mutters while wiping herself.

"......"

"......"

Me: "You know, if I was *Yummy dad*'s wife, I wouldn't leave the house okay. I'd have to keep on fighting urges, whereever I am, to tear off his clothes and check out that work of art wei!!!"

Jaclyn: "Man ... that is exactly the point."

Me: "Why?"

Jaclyn: "The mum is expecting her fourth kid ...... What do you think?!"

Me: "Oh."

Hahaha, we are a screwed-up duo, indeed.

Totally out of topic:

Insert pathetic, witty, mournful caption with an underlying meaning of "I am fat" here.

Okay, anyway, I went to John's place today to chill out, have lunch, and supposedly watch High School Musical and Bollywood/Hollywood. O_o There were about 10 of us there. Then 9 of us headed to Megamall to chill out, 'cause class was cancelled yo! *laughs in glee*

Anyway, I have gathered a committee for the newsletter already! And had our first so-called meeting! W00t! Even though we haven't done anything yet, you guys know I think you rock. :D

Oh yeah, I was SO close to buying a domain, which would mean that I'd be blogging in wordpress soon ... but the thing is, I couldn't buy a domain, 'coz I can't think of a nice one. Something cool, not-too-cliche, and me ...

FattyLizzy.com? Lizzyism.com? (TOO cliche =( ) Lizfuckingrules.com?!

Man, never mind. Maybe I'm not destined for wordpress hohoho. Gonna go continue my eternal debate with my dad over whose stomach is bigger. *wtf* He still thinks I'm fatter!

A bit of narcissism again <3

2006-11-03T16:33:00.000+08:00

I've been trying to blog for the past two hours, but blogger is kinda screwed up.

Anyway, I'm currently waiting for my Grey's Anatomy season 2 episodes to finish downloading. I'm such a dumbass, I downloaded 5 episodes of FRENCH ones a few days ago. O_o''

Okay, so my magazine assignment photoshoot was okay, though I dunno what struck me to offer *myself* as one of the posers for the cover. I really wanted my college mate Sam Oh to be on the cover, 'coz he's damn photogenic, but I was in too much of a hurry. Today's the deadline, and I only started my magazine yesterday night.

Maybe that's why it didn't turn out great. =(

Anyway, since we already took super-poser pictures, I just photoshopped some of them for fun. I almost lost ALL of my n00b photoshop skills, since I didn't change my layout since ..... practically forever. Must change soon! Back to black again, this time. :D

These are UNphotoshopped pictures:

IGNORE FAT TUMMY!!!!!!!!! OK THX BYE.

...... *inhales* and :)

A clear case of gender confusion. LOL

Actually, I didn't have to purposely post up unphotoshopped pics, coz I know it's pointless ... but I was just finding an excuse to post up those pics cause I think they're funny. Hahaha.

Pointless, somewhat narcissistic, poser pics:

(So-called "models": Josh Lim, Andrew Ee, Eliza Lee)

Ya I know my pose damn fail ... =.=

Vintage. Wannabe.

Blue Josh + Purple Liz

I actually kinda like this. :D

And yessss, the guys had makeup. LOL. Done by me. Not that I forced them into it, if ya know what I mean ... ;)

Ok, my so-called mag design for my assignment:

This is the cover. I REALLY wanted it to be in black with an edgy, grungy, gritty feel to it. But since it was supposed to be a celebrity gossip mag, we ended up choosing a lighter color scheme ..... and it kinda ended up looking like some kinda TeenGirl magazine instead, wtf! =/

Our so-called interview. *Syok sendiri* :P

I'm not happy with it 'cause I think that I could've done a lot better if I wasn't so lazy and procrastinated so much. But ahhhhh ... I should cut myself some slack! :D

Anyway, when we handed up our assignment to our head of course, Andrew jokingly told her that it was the proposal for our college's newsletter, and she fell for it and was totally psyched.

She said that she has been waiting forever for someone to take an initiative to produce and publish a college newsletter, but nobody wants to do it, since my college is SO small and SO new. Anddd when I offered to, she was damn ecstatic and happy about it. O_o

"My day was so bad and it was raining, now that you've said that I feel da sunshine!" ... were her exact words. O.o''

Ok, the thing is, I was REALLY serious about trying to gather a team and come up with a proposal for a college newsletter. It's the kinda thing I've always been dying to do, but I was too bloody lazy in school to ever accomplish that. And now that nobody's willing to take up the baton in my college ... why can't I at least try now, right?

Not to mention, if I get editor or whatever, it would look good on my resume. And the way *I* look at it, since my col is still new, if I started the newsletter and IF everything turns out okay and the newsletter "legacy" continues on ... isn't it a bit like creating history for my college? Setting the pathway for the new kids who are gonna come in, and replace our editorial team when we leave?

Okok, not that noble lah, but you get what I mean. :D But then, I highly doubt that anyone would be fully committed or interested in helping me out. =( And where am I gonna get the funds, ideas and manpower? I can't do everything myself, right? *BIG sigh*

I am willing to put in my 101%. This is fucking big for me. If I could pull *this* off, the feeling of satisfaction I'd get would bypass anything I would ever feel from some random guy, and I would achieve something I always were (and always will be) very interested in. So if I don't turn out to be a journalist, at least I've had a small taste of journalism in college! :D

Actually, I guess it's pretty obvious that I've already made up my mind, right? :P Weighing all the pros and cons ... I guess it's true that maybe the cons and risks are a lil' too high for me to handle.

But I still want to try. That's life. If I fall and make mistakes, the lesson I'd learnt from there would bypass anything I could ever learn from a textbook or a longass lecture.

... *slaps self* Tell me that I'm merely dreaming. Tell me that I can't be a dreamer. =( Tell me that it won't work, dammit, or I'm in for a LOT of shit and obstacles.

Joy, bliss, satisfaction.

2006-11-01T15:06:00.000+08:00

I am happy. =D

WHY? 'Cause this sem, I nearly dropped a toughass subject 'cause I thought the lecturer hated me, and I barely know shit about the sub since I skipped a few classes ... and even when I'm in class, I'm totally listening to mp3s or zoning out.

BUT, I just got back my assignment results today, and I got the highest in the class! :D DAMN COOL! I thought I was gonna fail it, 'cause I did the assignment way differently from everyone else, and it was a big risk. =/

I know I'm being happy about nothing and gloating over ... well, nothing much. But you know, it feels REALLY different from high school, when I hated studying and basically failed everything that includes formulas and maths. Right now, I still hate studying, but my grades aren't like the shit that I'm used to. :D *happy*

Of course, I firmly believe that I'll be getting my first B ever for english in English 101, but oh well. =.=

Picture time! Since I barely upload pics anymore. *malu*

Today John, Andrew, Gavan, Veen Win and I decided to chill out at Megamall after our class. Btw, I bet nobody is surprised anymore that I didn't sleep a wink last night 'cause I've been having severe Insomnia ever since college started. O_o''

Andrew, me and Vin Ween hugging the balloons at the area near the skating rink that's up in the exhibition hall. :D

Then, we headed to ....

... Toys R Us to camwhore! =.='' Man, the things we do. :D

I could only wish it was true. Tsk.

Vin Ween and I with baby umbrellas! :D So cute! (the umbrellas, not me.)

OK, this will SO be my halloween costume next year. *wiggles eyebrows*

ERR ...... a barney-loving disfigured manthing?!

Haha if you think that I'm lame (which I am), I'm not the only one! :D

HAHAHAHAHA ... OMG a family of disfigured manthings! And an alien. And Barney.

Another proof of our utter weird/lameness:

ER ... this picture is vaguely disturbing. O___o

Andrew acting cute with all the soft toys. :P

Me, totally failing at looking as cute as the soft toys.

Anyway, it's the 31st today! And Baskin Robbins had this 31% off thingy, so we decided to make ourselves obese by committing the worst sin on earth: gorging on ice cream.

Seriously, I am bloated from all that ice cream! Quite literally too. O__O

:D

John and Andrew feeding each other ice cream and acting gay ~~as usual~~ ;)

John and I

I heart my friends! *big fake puppydog grin*

Oh, I spotted Minishorts and her bf at Megamall today. I *obviously* didn't dare to ask for a pic with her. hehehe

I have shitloads of pictures to upload, cause I went around taking a LOT of pictures for my gossip "celebrity" magazine that I'm designing for my design assignment. But I'm bringing my make-up to col tomorrow to put black eyeliner for the guys, so I'll wait till later before I upload the pictures. It was, and will be really fun!

Life is good. Love all of you nonexistential imaginary readers of mine! Peace.

Liz the self-proclaimed, living in denial cutie - signing out. Ok hahaha that was lame.

Random thoughts, filler post

2006-10-30T18:42:00.000+08:00

Random thoughts I am thinking about now:

The Sims 2 is such a totally cute game. *squeals*

...... Okay fine, I sound like a girly bimbo who purposely installed a game into her computer to make her sound cooler to guys. Ok wtf, that doesn't make sense too.

But anyway, I created a family, a husband and wife named Ezra and Liz Feehily. *HEH* Damn shiok sendiri. So Ezra and Liz are both sort of normal and had a baby boy, and were living really normal and boring lives. 'Till I added some spice into their lives by making Ezra fall for the maid and had an affair with her.

(I know, I know, talk about cursing myself. But I'm not and will never be with Ezra anyway, so can't be bad luck, RIGHT? O.o'')

Which was pretty hard to keep it from Liz. Then I made Liz fall for the made too, and had an affair with her. My Gawd, I am so f*king twisted!

At the end, however, their kid Jeremy grows up and marries the maid. Woo boy, lucky maid. Damn, I should write TV dramas!

Grey's anatomy is good shit. And I think that the black Doctor, Dr. Derek Shepard's rival, is HOT. Which is kinda weird in my case, cause everybody obviously loves Derek Shepard, whoever the actor is. Of course, I was drooling at him too, but I've concluded that I dig Dr. Burgh (is that even how it's spelled?!) more. :D

People always say that looks don't matter. But most of the time, they're probably lying.

Look at the girls all the guys are swarming around and would do anything for. Are any of them ugly? Heck ...... no.

Then, it just struck me that sometimes, girls do the same too. They go for looks as well, they want someone who can make their knees weak because he has a gorgeous smile, a well-tonned body, or nice eyes.

But as far as what I've experienced, when a guy worships a girl purely because she's hot, it's totally cool ....... but when a girl worships the ground a guy walks on just because she obviously wants him 'cause he's a hottie, she's labeled a superficial bitch. Not only by guys.

Where is the justice in that? O_o

Life is weird. Love is overrated. Relationships are overrated. Flings - or "relationship could-have-beens", are even weirder.

It's just kinda weird, how you spend so much time getting to know someone. And when it's over, when the courting process has failed, or just simply when both parties face the horrible truth that it's not going to work anymore ... everything goes back to the way it was before you got to know each other so well. Or at least, feels that way.

After everything, it just strikes you ... did you just WASTE all the time? All the money - going out, SMSing, and making calls?

Then, I look around, and I see a lot of people I know doing the same. Technically, we're wasting our time. But would we have done anything different, erased those moments you shared that didn't end up in a real relationship? No, I don't think so.

I guess for most of us, the unlucky ones in love, we're just clinging on to the memories and what could have been. Hoping that maybe a fairytale could come true. Somehow, someway.

I feel like I want a new adventure, a new experience. I want to work in a bar and steal people's drinks, I want to travel to a rural area like Keningau to do some mission work, I want to sneak out in the middle of the night with someone I like to drive up Gasing Hill to gaze at the scenary and count stars while talking about my wet dreams.

Hahaha, scrape off the last part.

Unfortunately, my parents won't let me do all of the three. Shucks.

... wet dreams?!

2006-10-28T05:01:00.000+08:00

Okay, I just woke up. Hahaha, sue me for being a lazy ass and waking up at 2. *smug grin*

ANYWAY, I just had the most ... interesting dream ever! Damn weird ok.

I was in some kinda office-ish place, which kinda reminded me of some of the classrooms in college, and I basically was eating there with this guy ....

..... And after that *I* pinned him down. And well, you know laaaa.

OMG is being a horny rapist my secret, subconscious inner desire?! DAMN SWT. Of course, just as things were gonna get even more interesting, I woke up.

Eh I dunno lah, but dreams are so real it's sometimes so weird. I woke up and instantly touched my lips, which almost felt kinda sore. O______O

Weird, right? But man, I should totally have more of these dreams. HAHA

My sister

2006-10-26T17:11:00.000+08:00

Since I haven't blogged in a few days, this is gonna be a long post I guess, since I'll be posting on behalf of all my days.

Sis was home for a few days for a holiday, and she returned to Hong Kong today. I'd have to say that this time around, her return was somewhat of a pleasant surprise.

Anyway, we all headed up to Cameron Highlands for a one-day spontaneous trip on Monday. Uh ...... it wasn't too fun 'cause the only reason they wanted to go was to buy PLANTS. They're major plant enthusiasts, cause sis knows the names of practically every plant there is, but I know shit about plants.

I brought my camera, but my sister rolled her eyes when she saw it. "Man, I am SO not a camera person. Don't like taking pics.", she proclaimed.

Being the spineless asswipe that I am whenever I'm around my sis ... "Haha yeah man, same here!", was my loud and very fake reply. Man, I just betrayed the gods of Camwhoring and all my fellow camwhores!

The VERY few pictures:

Mummy and I.

Oh yeah, I was REALLY ECSTATIC to visit Raju's Strawberry farm again. He's just sooo nice! The last time I went there, he gave me free Strawberry milkshakes and strawberries with cream. *big grin*

This time he gave me the strawberries again! :D So nice lah.

May his business prosper, for his good deed. HAHA

*drools*

OH yeah, how could I ever forget the BLISSFUL taste of Cameron's Raju's Strawberry's Farm's ice cream?!

HEAVEN, I tell you!

Sis and her beloved plants ... Yes yes, I know she's a lot thinner than me yada yada blah. =(

Speaking of my sister ... I think it's pretty obvious that we aren't close at all. Honestly, we usually feel really awkward and uncomfortable around each other, mainly cause we have a HUGE age gap in between us, and she's barely around enough for us to feel like a family.

But somehow, this time around, I've finally felt like I've gotten to know her a bit better. She's really stubborn, independant, brave, witty and strong. Actually, she REALLY reminds me of myself ...... except that I, unlike her, am not as socialble or as brave as her.

In a sense, she's the person that I've always strived to be, but can't.

Anyhow, it was pretty funny, how she gave me shitloads of advice on my love life and all.

"One thing I think you should know ... the sad reality of life is that there IS not Mr. Right, just one person out there who's meant for you. Sometimes you may think that you only feel what you feel with one person, but the truth is, there are many, countless people out there who are equally compatible with you! It's not Mr. Right anymore. It's Mr. Timing ... if you meet someone you fell for who plans to settle down with you at the same time as you were planning it, that's Mr. Right. Timing!"

Uh ... kinda controversial, but I do get her point. Most of us waste so much time, energy and effort on the past, or people who just don't appreciate us for who we are.

I told her about DickFace, and I'd have to say that she has been the most supportive of "us" thus far. Honestly, if I talked to her and listened to her advice when things were still going on between us, I really think that I'd have done a LOT of things differently, and not make such big deals over his drinking or his unsupportive family.

In fact, my parents HATED the sound of him, though technically they've never really talked yet, 'cept for a glance or two. But sis was so cool, she made him sound like the coolest guy ever, and made my parents feel like judgemental hypocrites. Heehee. Too bad ........... Never mind. =(

Anyway, she was ADAMANT about bringing me out to "see the world", cause I am supposedly too "sheltered, naive and does not know what reality is like". Right. So she dragged me to Zouk with her best KL friends last night.

...... Of course, I couldn't enter. WTF!

So the bunch of us basically chilled in Terrace Bar. I felt REALLY weird at first, to hang out with people who are practically 13 years older than I was, but her friends are so fucking funny. AND damn cool. Though they picked on me a lot, cause I was supposedly so naive and innocent.

*looks at sky*

And ... one of her friends was HOT. When he picked us up, the first thing he said to me was, "you know, I'm DEFINITELY the guy your parents warned you about ...", with a wink.

I swear to God, if my sister wasn't there, I would've said something like "Yeah, and that's why I don't listen to my parents at all." HAH

Well, Mr Good Looking is a HUGE player. And not afraid to admit it. Heck, he is honestly practically Tucker Max! But I could see why so many girls didn't mind being one of his sexual conquests, even though he admits that he's an asshole. Speaking of men who exude magnetism ... he definitely is at the top.

My friend joined us awhile later, and picked me up to send me home a lil' earlier. I drank three glasses of vodkas and a glass of white wine, but I was still sober ... while sis was beet red after one and a half glasses of wine. O__o''

Before my friend and I went off, Mr Good Looking assumed he was DickFace (coz sis and I told him about him ... Man, i must've really liked him since I still talk about him so much), and was like, "Hey you look SO chinese!"

Which shocked my friend, who really IS chinese. You see, DickFace is of a different race, though he has chinese blood. =.=''

Then when we took off, Mr. Good-Looking grinned at us and went, "you know if you guys wanna do anything funny, I have condoms in the car!"

MAN, that was something I would've REALLY blushed at. But I think that I was slightly tipsy cause I laughed like shit instead. O_o

Anyway ... I'm grateful to sis. =)

Things I have in common with my sister: We're both stubborn, can be loners at time, independant, HATES feeling dependant on men, and we're kinda racist (LOL?) cause we both like guys of other races! And preferably older. Sis's boyfriend is white, bloody good-looking and a few years older, LUCKY HER. While as for me, the last three people I was interested in were not chinese, so that theory's proven. *grins*

Things I don't have in common with my sister: Everything else.

Anyway, it's her birthday today. I really wish her all the best. And someday, maybe we'll know each other really well and be really close sisters, for real.

college craziness and girl's night out!

2006-10-22T13:00:00.000+08:00

My gawd, do I miss blogging or what! I've been itching to blog ALL WEEK. Though I couldn't, coz last two weeks were basically hell, due to all the assignment deadlines.

But I survived it! And I'm alive. :D Since it's the hols, I vow to blog regularly again and start commenting on blogs again! Though nobody reads me anymore hah hah hah haw.

Anyway, I am supposed to design a magazine for my graphics communication assignment, so I brought my camera to college to take pics of people for my "mag". Though, uh, the result wasn't exactly glamourous. ;)

College friends + Camera = Pointless camwhoring.

I guess that we were all supposed to act cool, though I ended up looking retarded as usual. =.=''

A supposed bollywood movie scene. You know, running around trees and shit. O.o''

John-buddy and I. :D

Jassny-buddy and I. The reason the buddy is in bold is cause there was a time when some people in college thought we were dating and asked me about it. Like wtf, right? Since when do I date college or church people!

Oh yah, my weirdass "principle" came about coz if I ever dated a person from a community of people that I know, if I ever screwed it up or broke up with him, everybody would know. Like when Jaclyn fooled around with this church guy, she caused quite a stir after that. And the stir hasn't been forgotten till today, though it was like what, a year ago?

Of course, unless I wanna be super controversial and purposely give gossip-mongers something to talk about lah. Like, you know, if I dated a chick. Or the pastor/lecturer. HAHA

(Edit: my sis is currently home for a holiday and when she saw that pic, she insisted that that guy HAS to be my boyf, or at least my ex. Wahhhh, wtf! Why?!)

Oh, and I met up with The Gang for dinner yesterday. It was nice catching up with those girls. Especially since I'm severely lacking girl friends whom I can totally trust in college. =(

Suet and I are in the same college, but we hardly talk at all there. 'Cause we hang out with different friends and stuff. I miss bitching about hair, nails and bimbo stuff.

Jaclyn and I don't really pay much attention to girly stuff coz we always end up talking rubbish (though it's substantial rubbish! Er.) while Cally and I talk about boys.

Suet Foong, me and Chrissy. This picture is a definite proof that my cam totally sucks! =( Terpaksa edit its brightness and contrast like shit in photoshop.

Sizzlin' Christine, Ivy, and me!

Haha, us fooling around with sunglasses at Parkson's. The price tags are so funny! =D

Christine and I. Hohoho you can practically see my eye bags THROUGH the sunglasses. That just shows how sleep-deprived I was the whole week with my assignments! Waddafook.

The four of us with bimbo sunglasses. =.=''

OHH yeah, let me tell you something amazing!

Soon I'm gonna be a mat motor! HAHAHA

Okok, you see, my parents are too poor to buy me a car, and will never let me anywhere near my dad's car 'coz my sis was the one who paid for it. Therefore, I basically am still very relient on public transport and all.

BUT my uncle has a motorbike which he doesn't use, and could probably lend it to me. So I thought, hey what the hell, at least I'll be able to get to places near my place without waiting for the stupid bus!

And petrol would be super cheap. :D Yes yes, it's dangerous. Yes, if I drove around with a motorbike, I'd gain a very ... interesting reputation. But who cares?

Hwahahaha, soon you'll see me in the newspapers. As one of those Mat rempits. Wtf.

...... Of course, I'd still need to brainwash my parents a bit more, coz they think that I'll die really soon if I started scooting around to God-knows-where on my bike. =P

P.S. Sis just asked me to go clubbing with her and her friends, but I turned her down. I said I had assignments to do. What. The. Hell. Is. Wrong. With. Me! =( I don't even have assignments anymore. Wtf.

I FORGOT MY BLOG!

2006-10-15T23:03:00.000+08:00

Wow.

I've f-king forgotten about my blog, altogether! O_____O Seriously, I didn't even check my blog for the past week!

I guess the thing is that I'm seriously DAMN BUSY. I don't know how other college students update so regularly with consistently entertaining posts and pictures ... how do you guys do it?! Teach me. =(

Anyway, I've been really busy with my assignments (I lied) and you know, studying and all (I lied again). Okay fine, I've just been busy hanging out and doing a LOT of VERY last minute assignments. My classmates and I didn't even sleep at all last Thursday 'coz we were busy rushing our assignment which was due on Friday.

ANNNDDDDD I have TWO assignments due on Tuesday, both of which I haven't even started! Yes, I can hear you sighing at this lazy ass of a chick. :( I know I'm gonna die lah. *wipes tear*

So I'm gonna be super busy doing pointless and some not-so-pointless stuff all college kids do till next week, then I'll have a one week break.

Which, I'll prolly be really busy as well, cause I MIGHT be going to Port Dickson with some friends. :D Is it possible for me to starve myself and make myself bikini-worthy in one week's time?

Jaclyn, who'll be going, is planning to skinny dip in the morning before everybody else wakes up. I FEEL like following her for the heck of it, since it is known to the entire universe that skinny dipping is my childhood dream (HAHAHA), but ...

I want my first skinny dipping experience to be with my future husband or something, NOT jaclyn. Hahaha!

I guess I'm pretty weird, cause I'm REALLY particular about all the important "first times" in my life. Like, you know, my first REAL kiss (don't know what's a real kiss ah, don't ask me to demonstrate ok!), my first all-nighter with a guy, my first slow dance ........ I simply will not let those first times slip away just like that, with some random guy that I'm not in LOVE with.

Which, actually, a few of my so-called relationships ended in less than 3 or 2 months cause I didn't want to let them go further than what I was comfortable with. What I'm comfortable with: holding hands, hugging, and that's IT. Look, if I'm not sure if I'm in love with you or not, don't expect me to make out with you lah. Go fuck a kangaroo lah.

So in a weird sense, this is kind of the reason why I'm not gonna swim around naked with Jaclyn and whatever friend of her she managed to persuade. Of course, that is, unless I'm not drunk. So if you read an article in the newspaper some time next week regarding a naked girl who drowned in P.D ........ you'll know who is it. ;)

OK WISH ME LUCK TO SURVIVE ANOTHER SUPER BUSY WEEK! (wtf)

Weird dreams

2006-10-08T03:04:00.000+08:00

I slept at 9 and just woke up. :D Means I slept for what, 15 hours? Wow.

Yesterday was definitely my breaking point. I mean, just like Jac said, everybody has to go through their breaking point at some time or other, especially when they're facing problems like mine. You see, mine isn't even considered a "problem"!

Well ... it's not that bad, I guess. At least I can still see him every other weekend or so. I've learnt that sometimes when you really REALLY like or love someone, you don't need to own the person to love that person. Seeing that person happy is enough. :D

Fuck, damn sacrificial. So unlike me. Anyway, once upon a time, I swore that I won't blog about my love life in my blog, nor will I tell it to all my friends in real life and all that ... I believe in privacy and secrecy in some areas. And to think that this time, I've been blogging about it so much. Gotta stop! O_o

Ohh, I had the weirdest dream ever. I dreamed that I had superhero powers ('cause I was climbing and flying around ala spiderman style) and I saved *him* from another girl. The girl was a chick from my college, which made it weirder. -_-''

So they were talking on a, uh, car ... and I sorta whisked him away. We were climbing around and all those shit, and we ended up in a PET SHOP. We bought a pair of fat brown hamsters, and the smallest cage that barely fit the both of them. Grinning at each other, we both agreed that we're too poor to buy a bigger cage.

Then I woke up.

A post you should ignore

2006-10-07T11:04:00.000+08:00

Note: Gonna post up pics of my room tomorrow. =) Sorry for all the mushy emoness.

-----------------

I tried, I really did. I tried my best to be your friend, your sister, or whatever it is that lies below the boundaries of lovers ... I tried to be a listening ear whenever you wanted to talk on the phone, or merely a friend to hang out with. That's what's best for us, isn't it?

I even told you about the cute 25 year old, and even that other cute guy I used to like. You feigned interest, but did you really care?

This is gonna make me sound like an emotional wreck, or maybe it's just because of the huge lack of sleep, but when I reached home today, I cried. Goddammit, I miss you and I want you. Only you. When other people try to be nice to me, I feel even shittier, cause I just wish everything they did and said came from you.

The rare phone calls and meet-ups are not enough anymore. I can't do this. I can't see you and not fall for you over and over again. It feels like I'm on a rollercoaster ride everytime I see you - I feel exhilirated, dangerous, and thrilled. I feel so alive everytime I discover something new about you. I die everytime I'm reminded that nothing will ever happen between us anymore. My heart fucking DIES.

You once said you'd always be there for me. I need you now. More than I ever needed anybody. Where are you when I need you the most?

It saddens me that I don't even really want to know the answer to that question.

P.S I cried when I was listening to this song just now. Ah damn. Emoness. Time to sleep it off ...
Go download the song from that page! Damn sad. Or at least to me, since it hit a nerve for me.

Irresponsible parents!

2006-10-05T15:00:00.000+08:00

Today, I was having lunch, and I noticed this really cute kid running around. She was really young - about 3 or 4, I'm guessing, and she was running around alone. Damn cute kid, she was really tiny and had long curly hair. :D

'Okay, maybe her parents are eating at a table somewhere near us ...', I thought to myself. So I continued eating my lunch ... But after like, 10 minutes, she was STILL running around. =.= She was practically trotting around to everybody's tables and looking at them eat their food and all.

Eh, this can't be right! Where're her parents? She wandered out of the restaurant and was wandering around the shops nearby ALONE. What a sight! The worst thing was, nobody really paid much attention to her, except for a curious glance or so.

So 'cause I was worried, I finally told my friend to wait a bit while I followed her around just in case her parents really were NOT around. Finally, I decided that there was no way that her mum was around, or she'd definitely not let her 3 year old daughter run around like this. What mother in her right mind would do THAT?

I talked to the cute girl and carried her back to the restaurant. "Where's mama?", I asked her. She dubiously raised both her hands into the air in an "I don't know" gesture. DAMN CUTE, I TELL YOU!

So I put her on my lap while my friend and I cooed and baby-talked her for about 10 minutes 'till her mother finally arrived, looking for her. -____-

When the mother took the baby girl from me, I almost scolded her for being such an irresponsible parent. LOOK, what if I was a pimp mama or what if it was some kinda pedo kidnapper who found her, not me? If you wanna have a baby, AT LEAST take your responsibilities seriously and not leave your kid running around for twenty minutes, can?

I should've called child support or the police ok! *geram* But well, I bit my tongue and glared at her with a half-smile.

When she carried the baby girl into her arms and walked out of the restaurant, the kid waved and grinned a totally adorable toothy grin at me. AWWWWWWW so cute.

But as for her mum ....... I just REALLY hope that it was a once-in-a-lifetime kinda thing. Poor kid.

Watching them walk off, I swore that one day, I am gonna be a GOOD mum. *grrrrrr*

Projek minggu kesihatan

2006-10-04T12:30:00.000+08:00

My dad's supposedly expensive watch and mum's handphone are missing. Well, they're fully convinced that the construction workers stole it, since it's TOO coincidential and both their stuffs were in the hall. But it's not like me to jump to conclusions, so ......

I just wish that they'd stop fighting. -_-'' I've gotta say that my parents are the most argumentative people I know. They fight over everything and nothing. The worst is - my dad always picks fights with me over nothing as well, though nowadays he's too busy with our humble apartment and my mum to bother me too much.

They should be more like me. I'm hot tempered like hell and I'd fuck you up if you PURPOSELY pissed me off for no reason, but most of the time, I chill. :D

OH yes, the main reason for today's post. Okay, since Camerons, I haven't been exercising at all and I've been eating like a pig. I don't watch my diet, per se. So I've put on a few pounds - something I'm not exactly screaming with joy over.

AND

I barely slept for more than 3 hours per day during the holidays, I swear. Since I was homeless, I had trouble sleeping in other people's beds. And yesterday, I tried to adjust my sleeping schedule - to find that I can't. I still rolled around in my bed while SMSing till like, five. It means that I've been lacking sleep like shit for, heck, two weeks.

Can someone die from a severe lack of sleep? O_o I feel like a permanent piece of shit lately ... is that a symptom?!

SO, I've decided to launch a minggu kesihatan (health week!) to nurse myself back to er ... feeling like a normal, functioning human being with a healthy weight ratio again. :D

1) I'm gonna stay away from the internet as much as I can. Time to start sleeping early and stop browsing blogs and MSNing at night.

2) Exercise! I don't wanna die of obesity or a heart attack, or whatever it is that being fat causes. And you know, if I maintain my weight, I get to nick off free skirts and jeans from Jaclyn when she buys shit that she can't fit in. HAHA

3) SLEEP EARLY!

4) This is kinda impossible ... but I'm gonna try to stop eating McDs. I swear I can! Okok, I DO realize that McD is, like, my favourite hang-out place ever ..... but well. Ok to make things easier for myself, I'll just stay away from carbs. :D And from eating supper!

5) Er ... drink more water? Wtf.

... okay, I just realized that this is kinda pointless. I mean, why make it a WEEK? I should make it a lifestyle, right? HAH yeah right.

Gonna go TRY to sleep now. If all goes well, I'm gonna have an extremely busy and fulfilling day ahead of me tomorrow. ;) If it doesn't go well ... I'll go find Cally and beremo with her. Hahaha. By the way, my room is now so pretty!

....... And totally NOT me.

My alcohol allergy

2006-10-02T12:55:00.000+08:00

Woe is me.

.... I'm allergic to alcohol. Yesterday, I was at a birthday party and I sort of drank a bit too much. I was slightly tipsy (but not drunk okthxbye) and all, but I was generally still quite sober. But when I came home, I started itching all over.

ALL OVER, I tell you! =( Which is why I'm stuck at home today, cause if I didn't know better, I'd have thought that I somehow had a freaky one night stand somewhere because of how red my body is. -__-''

OMG don't tell me I'll never get to drink again! I'm not an alcoholic or anything, but I was beginning to see a bright future ahead of me as one, ok! Haha I'm a kaki botol wannabe. Wth.

Anyway, happy birthday, Gavan.

Seeeee, I'm so dark, it's no wonder that people think I'm malay. :D OHMIGOSHwtf, I'm as dark as John in this pic. Cool!

Oh yah, the party's dress code was 70s ... though obviously, I managed to look like some confused goth witch-wannabe instead. I wanted to wear a short skirt, but Jac told me it was "inappropriate". -_-

Gal-fren and I

John and I

Jac-ass and I

Camho-ing in the toilet:

Haha speaking of Horny Jac, she drank like 6 or 7 glasses of wine and spiked fruit punch, and she got DRUNK.

In her state of total drunkenness, she:

1) Danced a "solo" dance on the dance floor when nobody else was there. Shaking her booty and all that.

2) Grabbed the birthday boy and danced a slow dance with him. (she denies doing it)

3) Told Gavan's younger brother that she "really likes him" but too bad he's "too young".

4) Told a chick that she really likes her. WTF!

5) Tried to get a cute event manager dude's number, but all she got was a glass of warm water from him. HAHA, awww!

She even humped that thing in the middle of the road. Man! Too bad the pic's blurry. O_o

If I wasn't slightly tipsy myself, I would've denied being her friend. AHAHA.

Oh yeah, as it turned out, the hottest guy from Jaclyn's church was one of the event manager people Gavan hired. Chris, Ivy, Suet, Jac and I all agree that he is bloody good-looking. Jaclyn was obviously thrilled with the coincidence. *looks at sky*

John the Mafia boss, Gavan the B'day boy, me looking weird, Horny Jaclyn.

Okay, this really cute event manager dude chatted with me when I was grabbing some more punch, and he asked me for my number. O_o (Thanks, Jaclyn, for telling everyone I asked him for his number. -.-'' When you failed, bwahaha!)

Look, whether I was tipsy or not (a bit?), it is HIGHLY UNlike me to not talk to a cute guy if he approaches me first. I mean, c'mon! What's the point of being single if you can't have a nice chat with cute people who hit on you? Plus, he spoke good english. Damn rare to have a cute guy speak good english. O.o''

Actually, one of the reasons I drank so much was 'cause I received a SMS from *him* just as I was eating dinner. =( Dickface. I have no idea what is wrong with him for ALWAYS pushing me away and pulling me back again.

I kinda think that he just needs somebody who genuinely cares for him to be there. But I'm quite bored of his stupid games by now....... What happens when I don't wanna care anymore?

I swear, my life is like some weird TVB drama, lately.

You know what's more important? Finding a cure for my allergy to alcohol. *scratches self*

Call me Liz, the TOUR GUIDE

2006-09-30T12:06:00.000+08:00

(Happy birthday (or belated) to: Kok Loong and Cally, Jaclyn's mum, and Gavan)

-------

Call me Liz the tour guide. =D

Okay, see, my church (kinda?) was supposed to pick up 120 people from US who are here for a mission workshop or something. Jaclyn almost literally JUMPED at the opportunity, because, in her own words "120 whites! Surely at least 10 or 20 HOT WHITE MEN OKAY!". I was kinda reluctant .... but I caved, in the end. =)

So when we were on our way to the airport, we were suddenly told that we're gonna be separated, and we're supposed to act as TOUR GUIDES for two groups of US dudes and dudettes. I was given a list of stuff to say to them on the bus, and was supposed to help distribute room keys, tell them Malaysian culture, and all those shit.

....... Okaaaaaaaay. I was REALLY wtf-ed, but Jaclyn ~~coaxed~~ mindfucked me again. "Dude, now we can TALK and IMPRESS potential hot young WHITE men, what are you thinking, man?!"

Then we were handed two lists of names, and Jaclyn and I were supposed to pick a list each, so that we're responsible for that particular group of people. Jaclyn fought, battled, and argued with me with vengeance, and she got the all-guys list, while I got the mostly-girls list. Her horniness blew me off my feet, and I had no choice but to give it up to her. :(

Horny Jac washing her face

But it's okay, because imagine our shock and surprise when we had to greet 120 white people.

...... 120 white people in their 50s and 60s. Wahahahaha!

Ho boy, how the hell are you supposed to sound chirpy and bubbly AND interesting to people of that age group? O_o I was soooo screwed.

So when I was on the bus with the whole lot of them, I forcefully made friends with some of them, and ended up making a total fool out of myself when I tried "tour guiding". I tried not to think of how much I totally suck in my speech communication classes. I tried to remind myself that if anything, I was definitely not the worst speaker ever .... right? O_o

Me: "HI EVERYBODY! My name is Eliza, I hope you guys had a looooovely flight all the way from FLORIDA YO!"

Everyone in bus: "YEA!! GREAT FLIGHT! HI ELIZA!!!"

I swear to God, they were REALLY damn layan.

Me: "Yeah! *looks at paper* ...... Ermmmm okaaay, I'm supposed to tell you guys the time. Oh shit, I mean, it's currently Malaysian time 9 p.m! Err ..."

The crowd: "yeah! Don't be nervous, Eliza, you're doing a greaat job!!!"

DAMN wtf. =.='' Jaclyn called me and asked me how should she "interact" with her bunch of *cough* men, and I told her, "Aiya, everytime you pass a building, just make up some shit about the building lah. And ask them about the US Goth movement."

........ Which she DID. So I guess I wasn't that embarrassing, after all. HAHAHA. It was a pretty funny and good experience, but I've definitely scratched out being a tour-guide from my potential career list. :D

At the Berjaya Times Square hotel, after we were done with our so-called tour guiding. =.=''

------

OH yeaah, I'm home. :D Of course, my room's still furnitureless. But you know, it DEFINITELY isn't as bad as how it looked two days ago.

Freaky, right? @_@

Right now, my room floor's tiled already. And my room walls are painted purple. :D Can't wait to see the final result, heehee. I'm homeless no more. ;)

-------

Today, I was at McD, and I bumped into this malay McDelivery guy who tried to ask for my number some time ago. Thankfully, this time he was alone. o_O

So I was eating, and he was like, "Hi Nadiah!!!"

I was totally WTFed, but then I realized that I told him my name was Nadia back then. Eh wtf.

I was biting into my McChicken so I didn't reply him. I only stared at him incredulously.

"You TAK PUASA KE?!?!?", he said, eyeing my McChicken in disbelief.

I, obviously, spit out my McChicken. "Er ..... takde. O_o"

OMG damn funny can! I know I'm super dark and tanned. I know I dig malay songs and guys who look malay. But ........ I never knew how malay I looked, until today. :D

I have mixed feelings about this.

I WANT

2006-09-26T16:53:00.000+08:00

I WANT: (almost need)

1) A gay best friend. A guy that I can go shopping with, bitch about my hair and nails, and one I can hang out with all night at his or my place, just gossiping.

And the best thing is, we'd never fall for each other. =D

2) Cookies and cream ice cream.

I want!!!!! =(

3) More trustworthy girlfriends in college. The keyword's trustworthy. :-(

4) My ROOM for the week. How am I supposed to sleep in someone else's room for one bloody week? I cry, laugh, read and watch porn in MY room. *sigh*

(I was only kidding about the porn bit. HAHAHA)

5) To be single (haha, I'm good at this, no worries there!) and free of emotional burdens for at least a few months. No guys (or girls, that has always been an option. JK) for me!

6) To exercise and work out more. I dunno, if I'm fit, I'll probably feel healthy and fit too, right? (= Plus I'm undeniably getting fatter from the lack of exercise, of late.

7) ....... Even though I've been skipping classes a bit this sem for TOTALLY WRONG reasons that I shan't get into, I REALLY hope that I'll still be able to get good results. Fingers crossed, yo!

-------

Dad forced me to follow him out for supper. Well, actually, he bribed me with Rm10, and since I'm such a broke person now, it's easy to buy me over ......

"Not eating ar you??", he demanded, while gobbling his food.

"No ..... it's 11 o'clock. You're not supposed to eat two hours before you sleep. -_-"

"I'm on a diet.", he proudly announced, while petting his bulging tummy.

"..... You're eating a large bowl of wan tan mee and you call that having a diet?!", I almost screamed.

"Wantan mee is low carb!"

-_-'' Oh man, my dad is funny. What's worse, he lost a Rm10k check that he was supposed to keep on my cousin's behalf.

I feel like making a funny comment now, but I totally relate to him. I sympathize. :) Now I know where I got 99% of my genes from. =D

"I'm not a good person"

2006-09-25T15:06:00.000+08:00

Woo, today wasn't half bad.

Anyway, I am currently in DEEP shit cause I am FREAKING broke. I'm not even kidding ya. I have, like, Rm50 that's supposed to last me for two weeks. o_O

I thought, pondered, and planned ... Then it hit me. Why didn't I think of it earlier?!

DADDY <--------- So the first step of my amazing plan was to suddenly act damn friendly and close to him, which involved me taking a picture of us from my phone. =.='' Mainly cause he's absolutely fascinated with my phone's camera. Meh ...

Yeah, I look like a piece of poop. I'm even going through a BAD phase, physically. Or at least, I feel so. ='( I feel like my hair sucks and my nose is larger, from all the nose-blowing I've been doing recently. HAH

Sooooo anyway, after licking his boots for so long, he finally handed me Rm10. -______-''

But ah, at the broke rate I'm going, even 10 bucks is worth loads, I'd say. =D

And ohhh, I cooked! Who said I can't cook, huh! Grrrr.

No idea what kinda dish I was trying to achieve with cabbages (I LOVE CABBAGES!), mushrooms and garlics + onions. But whatever it was, it turned out delicious. :D

Except that, of course, I forgot to take a pic of the end product. -_-''

AND oh, I ate the BEST ice kacang EVER today. It doesn't look it, but it seriously IS damn nice, I'm telling you!

It's the Rm2.50 ice cream from the little penang cafe in Citrus Park, I think. *slurp*

--------

Anyway, something happened today that emo-fied me again. I was talking to this guy, and feeling a sudden gush of guilt, almost told him to NOT be so nice to me, because I'm not worth it.
"I'm not a good person, okay?", I wanted to say.

Before I stopped myself. Because I knew that he'd probably say something cliche and predictable, like "no, you're not a bad person, believe me yada yada".

And also because I suddenly felt intensely stupid and sad again. You see, not too long ago, HE said those exact words to me.

"I'm telling you now that I am NOT a good person ... ", he said, with a low tone of voice that was hard to decipher. What a weird thing to tell someone, I thought.

And me, being the naive fool that I was, immediately told him that I believe he's a good person. "And isn't that all that really matters?", I asked.

I feel really saddened that this whole cycle had to repeat itself again. With me, playing a different role, this time around.

Back then, I had no idea what he meant. I'm pretty straight-forward and I'm not one to put much thought into words ... so I asked him straight out, "What do you mean by saying that you're not a good person?"

"I think that it just means that I'll end up hurting you ...", was his simple reply.

Now, I don't think I'm angry anymore. He WARNED me, for Christ's sake. Yet I still innocently took a deep plunge and tried so hard to be there for him whenever he needed me.

Right now, I can finally understand what it feels like to tell someone that you're not a good person. It just means that you know and acknowledge that you're flawed - so much to the extent of hurting a person you don't intend to hurt.

When I assured him that he was a good person, I thought that his predictions that he was gonna end up hurting me was foul. And look what happened? He hurt me. Unintentionally or otherwise, I don't even want to know anymore. And the worst part is, we're so goddamn similiar, it's scary.

You can take the tiger out of the jungle, but you can never take the jungle out of the tiger. I'm sick of this whole roller coaster ride of the love game.

This is kinda sad, but when I really think about it ... You could turn the tables around, and make HIM the one who cared more and I, the one who cared less. I can sincerely admit that I'll undeniably end up hurting him as well. Sad, huh?

So my conclusion is, we're all not ready for something that's supposed to be sacred and gratifying. A real relationship.

I REALLY am not a good person. And I mean it. Don't be as dumb as I was to believe that you'll be able to change me, because people like me, we're smart enough to adapt, but not sacrificial or selfless enough to change.

And yes, I'm strong enough to move on and forget about that so-called bastard, but not exactly heartless enough to forget anybody this fast. As you can see, my heart, pride and ego ... all broken.

OHHH yeah, did I say that I'm homeless for the next week? Mum and dad are kicking me out (hahaha wtf) cause they wanna change our measly apartment's room tiles. And I won't even have a place to stay!

Okay, I'll probably end up bunking at Pui Yee or Jaclyn's, but they don't have internet connection. SIGH.

UNTITLED, WTF

2006-09-25T04:18:00.000+08:00

I was hesitant about blogging this entry today, as I'm not exactly in my right state of mind, and this entry'd definitely come out too emo, pointless and possibly even too private.

But fuck it lah, it's my blog and I'm entitled to write whatever I want. *grrr*

Lessons in life 101. DON'T EVER TELL SOMEONE YOU LIKE/LOVE HIM OR HER IF YOU DON'T BLOODY MEAN IT!!!

I think it's pretty obvious by now that I genuinely like someone. And no, I can say with a pretty clear mind that it's not really one of those puppy love or infatuation crap that I'm good at. Even my best friends are kinda surprised, cause it's REALLY unlike me to sacrifice so much for anyone.

None of my previous relationships ever lasted for more than, like, a month or more ... cause I always have this really intense fear of being hurt. And I never liked commitment, plus the fact that I get really bored really easily. So I guess I never had a serious relationship before, one that mattered, anyway.

And guess what, I was willing to forego all that and really commit to this guy. I worry about him, I did everything I could for him, I argued with a guy friend over him, I believed in him.

I even - get this - NAG him at times. Wtf! Everybody knows I don't give a shit enough to nag anybody. =( Everybody knows I'm totally NOT motherly at all. =(

And guess where'd that land me. IN A PILE OF SHIT, that's where I am right now. I feel used, fugly, naive and hurt.

How could a guy tell you how much he really liked you and cared for you if he didn't mean it? Okay, okay, I probably deserve it since I've done it before. But God ... it hurts. It hurts even more when the signs are so significant cause I've actually done it before. I feel so fucking angry that karma had to hit back at me when I really started to learn how to genuinely care for someone, for real.

And oh, I've realized how much it hurts to 'nag' someone for their own good, and to get a "Haiyo chill lah ..." in return. I'm sorry, Mom and Dad. O_o

I'M DAMN UPSET + HURT + PISSED + BROKEN + ANGRY + DISAPPOINTED. How could anybody be so heartless and do this to someone who really cared for them? (..... okay, don't answer that question)

I hereby solemnly swear upon my beloved Dean Koontz books that I will NEVER, EVER lead somebody that I don't genuinely like on again. Of course, seeing what a shitty person I am, I doubt that anybody would ever like me again. *bwahaha*

Stupid manipulative fucker. You know, it's kinda weird how I can affectionately do so much shit for someone ... and now refer to the very same person as a fucker.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I wouldn't slowly walk away from him, only to find myself running back to him whenever he needs me. I wish I never met him at all. WTF, my life was practically perfect! I was doing well in my studies, I was happy and I was really selamba and satisfied.

Now I'm distracted, heartbroken and anything BUT selamba and satisfied. I spent so much time helping him deal with his issues, only to find that I'M now the one with more issues. Oh mai gawd ......

I should blame myself for believing someone I shouldn't have trusted. I should thank him so much for destroying my capacity to ever trust anybody again. I feel like crushing his balls and getting my revenge ... but what's the point, when I STILL care for him, even after all the shit he put me through? I'm too honest to lie to myself, of all people. I KNOW that if he needs me to be there for him to help him through his problems and issues ....... I will be there. =(

This is crazy. I must be crazy. Someone knock me back to my senses please. Since when am I this sacrificial, noble, DUMB chick who does crap for a screwed up, insecure, bullshitting guy?

So, my boys and girls, the conclusion of today's post is:

Eliza Lee is officially pwned.

Oh btw, my hair sucks. I wanna jump off a tall tall building and land on the stupid fucker, cause he'd die as well since I'm so heavy.

fugly hair, begone!

2006-09-21T13:00:00.000+08:00

*bimbotic entry ahead*

People, it's THAT time of the month and year again! ......

....... For a haircut! :D

My hair is fucking fugly at the moment, and I definitely need a change. Fugly hair is a BIG phobia of mine.

Speaking of which, I kinda miss my braids. =((((

At least it was kinda outstanding, right? Compared to my typical, average, hopelessly blah hair now.

Anyway, I am paying a visit to the hairdresser's this Saturday to hopefully get a cool spankin' new 'do!

I wanna get one of these hairstyles!

Bloody drastic and risky, since if I do attempt short hair, I'd have to chop off all my long hair. =(

And I still remember how fugly I looked in form 1 with short hair, and how everybody laughed at me. LOL

... plus the fact that my face is round. Meh ...

I kinda like this too. It would annoy the crap out of everyone to have strands of hair sticking out in front of my face. But my fringe isn't long enough for this .... -_-''

Ah, the sweet, innocent, girl-next-door look.

I'd only need to cut a straight fringe and cut off like three inches of hair.

But double yew tee eff would the difference be from my current blah hair? The more drastic the better, I'd say! :D

Okay, my personal favourites:

Er ... I honestly don't know how to achieve this look. (Permed hair + ironed fringe??)

But damn cool, can! w000t. Then I can start using black eyeliner and purple lipstick to achieve the whole look. :D

My personal favourite:

Err ... ignore the huge boobs please. But I fucking love this hairdo. But I don't see anyone with "weird" hair like this around ... So how would the hairdresser understand? O_O

*drooooooooooools* Then I can pull off the goth look. (... yeah right)

Okay! Wish me luck and courage this Saturday! *cracks knuckles*

------

Digressing, my dad is totally right: I have horrible taste in guys. Anyway, I showed my dad DickFace (the guy I used to reallllly like) and he said he looks like a praying mantis. WTF!

Then the other day, he saw me walking with some dude I barely know (who isn't DickFace) and he commented that "this new one" looks like a grasshopper.

"Girl, you have BAD taste in guys. How can all your boyfriends look like INSECTS?!?"

... Poor grasshopper dude, who's innocent. HAHA

DAMN, now I know where I got my horrible mouth from. =.=''

Oh yeah, speaking of my bad taste in guys, Dickface is such an ass. We're still friends, so we still keep in touch, SMS and stuff. Though, I dunno, I AM trying to stay away from him.

Him: Wanna yum cha tomorrow? Got class?

Me: Sorry la, I wanna go out in the morning to help a hot guy with his assignment bwahahaha

Him: Ok nvm, I go watch movie with hot chick bwahahaha

...... Man. Damn gay. =.='' And come to think of it, we're probably more similiar than we thought we were. HAH

Camerons is the shit!

2006-09-19T11:04:00.000+08:00

I just got back. :D And I'm supposed to be completing that dumb lit essay which is due this Wednesday, but guess what, I'm gonna blog about my trip instead!

Just because I'm a truly blogger at heart, yo. (LOL)

Anyway, Camerons was great. The weather was great. Though too bad we only stayed for two days. O_o

Welcome to the land of Strawberries, breezy weather, and hot tourists ~~like me~~!

Camwhoring in the Tapah Resthouse toilet...

Aku anak Malaysia, yo!!

(Er ...)

We stayed at Equatorial. It was really chilly cause it was at the peak ... *brrr*

Our new trademark pose. -_-''

Er ... told ya. :D

We didn't do much for the first day, we basically just stoned around and enjoyed the weather.

Oh yeah, we brought 6 bottles of cheap vodka ... (please pardon the fugly make up-less pic O_o)

I drank three bottles, and I died-ed. O_O I swear to God, my alcohol tolerance is BAD. I started blabbering and laughing over everything, though I was still quite rational ...

... And ended up vomitting and almost falling asleep in the toilet. -_- (couldn't sleep in toilet coz it was too cold - so I had to wake up and stagger to the room. )

The second day. My evil post-drunkedness face.

OH YEAHHHH, I'm sure everybody who has been to Camerons should know ...

That they have AMAZING, WONDERFUL, FANTABULOUS

STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM! :D

More accurately, it's the strawberry ice-cream from Raju's Hill Strawberry farm. Go there, people! (I'm giving out free advertising cause Mr Raju gave me free strawberry milkshake ... *nyehehe*)

This is pretty nice too. Strawberries dipped in honey!

The second day was FUN. Anyway, we visited the Butterfly farm:

I was really semangat in capturing a picture of the snakes, without realizing that there actually is a mirror there. Meh ...

Jaclyn, trying to lick the snakes. *ewww* :P

And obviously, living up to its name, there were lotsa

... And more butterflies.

For those people who are aware of my HUGE phobia of butterflies: Nope, I didn't run out of the farm crying and screaming like I did three years ago.

I'm a brave girl, huh?? :D

(Actually, does running away from the butterflies count? At least I didn't run out of the farm this time, right!?)

Spot the leaf frog. HAHA

KAWAII! I want ... =(

Not your average tortoise ......... Don't mess, don't mess.

Me and unknown flower.

Jaclyn: "oi, take a picture of your friend la, LIZ!"

Me: "....... -_-''"

We both look bad, uh huh.

Me, and unknown flower #433.

I look undeniably fugly here, but this picture is super funny ... The biker dude OFFERED to let us take a pic with him. :D Cool!

The valley is SO beautiful .... =) (as for my pose ........ well.)

In some kinda really huge souvenir + plant shop. (can't remember the name)

I really wanted to buy one of those for DickFace, cause the cow kinda reminded me of him ... but I resisted the urge by reminding myself that he wasn't even worth 15 bucks. HAHA!

(man, the nicknames I come up with ......)

Er ... [insert witty caption here]

Oh, for those who're dying to know what my dad looks like ....

Here's the man who fights with me over my computer AND the TV, who pisses me off till no end, and the man who insists and believes that his stomach is smaller than mine:

I look fugly. And he looks funny. But I still love him to bits, in my own way. :D

Then in the evening, we headed to The Park.

We call it The Park, cause Jaclyn and I came here and camwhored before five years ago. And the park still looks the same as I remember it ...

The hugeass vegetables are still there ...

Oh, pic of the park five years ago:

Us, five or six years ago.

Us, now. -_-

Not that big of a difference, right? LOL

Er ... [insert another witty caption here]

HAHAHA, I look like a monkey. Wtf!

Jaclyn, hanging upside down. Me, snarling.

Liz and Jaclyn demonstrating their nonexistential aerobatics skills.

Some gangsta, some dude who thinks his stomach is bigger than mine (!#@#!@!#), and a normal chick.

My cheesy weird grin in the toilet.

Us, and unknown flower #435.

OHHH, the steamboat we ate was SO GOOD. All the vegetables were organic, and seriously, it was the best steamboat of my LIFE.

Camerons is such a lovely place to just ... chill. ;) I even wrote poems on the mountain, okay! It was so relaxing.

And now that I'm back to the cold harsh reality otherwise known as home, I've realized how screwed I am cause I have a few thousand word assignment to complete and I haven't started a thing.

*reaches for knife*

Camerons, yo!

2006-09-17T00:19:00.000+08:00

Fresh air, here I come! :D

No more stuffy KL weather (well, at least for two days?), no more computers, no more stupid insecure dude, no more assignments! (Er .. I have shitloads of assignments to start and complete when I come back on Monday - which means two sleepless nights - but never mind)

Strawberry ice-cream, here I come!

w00t, I really need this. ;) Anyway, maybe I'll buy you a pretty souvenir if I know you enough. Heee.

glow in the dark "penis"

2006-09-14T13:01:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Nora and Vince - Dilema 2003 (totally emo song man!)

Yesterday was SOOOOO bittersweet. Yes, that's the exact word to describe it: bittersweet.

I've never felt such a big mixture of sadness and happiness in my entire life.

Anyway, the "goodbye" didn't exactly go as I'd expected ... It definitely didn't. And to think I thought I had it all planned out. I think it's one of those moments in life that I wouldn't need to blog about it to always remember it. I swear, it's so bittersweet it reminded me of an ending to some emo korean drama. Can cry one okay!

Damn corny lah, but in that moment, all I knew was that I've never felt anything this deep for anyone before. And that is saying a lot. I even knew that I loved his flaws (which .......... @_o), and that I wouldn't do a thing to change him. Even if it meant walking away with nothing except an extra smile and incomplete memories.

Yes. Pretty deep, coming from an airhead like me, I know. (hahahaha wtf)

----

Dude, I don't really care what happens to us anymore. I don't care how different are we or how we'd be really bad for each other, and how we both know it. I don't even care that we ended up nowhere, and technically, because of that, all the time we spent was "wasted" ...

Screw my stupid insecurities and doubt about how you felt for me, I don't even care about that. All I really care about is you. I just want you to be okay, and happy. Just know that no matter who you are and what you do, it doesn't matter cause there'll always be someone who genuinely cares for you here.

----

Fuck. Damn emo again.

ANYWAY, I've set up a new blog. A private one, this time around. :D

See, not that many people read my blog (which is now something I'm kinda thankful for), but I've come to know that quite a number of people that I wish don't read my blog reads it. You don't know how distressing is it for me to censor what I want to say, when all I want to do is rant about my personal, friendship and relationship problems. OH, the joy of being able to mention names again ........ *evil laugh*

------

Jaclyn and I spent last night totally goofing around in true blue Jaclyn+Eliza style. :D

The last month has just been so surreal... Jaclyn with her school and NS problems, me with my friendship and relationship problems. It all ended up pretty good, though. ;) Now we're back to our crazy and horny selves, yo!

I think that I've kind of lost a friend, whom I used to be quite close with. Over reasons that are REALLY uncalled for on both our parts. There is a big part of me that just feels like apologizing and playing the Mr Nice Guy role ...... But one thing about me, I can't pretend that nothing is bugging me when it IS.

Seriously, would you rather me be nice to you and talk to you behind your back, or would you rather me not be nice at all?

I'm sorry, but I would pick the second one. I can't act like nothing is wrong when I can't stand someone's attitude. And seriously, if you can't stand me, do me a favour and just tell me off to my face, or just avoid me ... instead of talking about me behind my back or pretending that you still like me. At least I'd know that something is wrong. I'm too straight-forward to beat around the bushes and too lazy to play guessing games. ;)

Oh ya, we spent the night pigging out. Loadsa food and ice cream, though I KNOW I was supposed to go on that nonexistential diet.

Jaclyn discovered that her ice cream sorta resembled a ... dick. =.=''

"Wah dude, my ice cream looks like a penis!!"

me: "WAH! Take picture!" (wtf, I damn layan man)

"Dude!!", I exclaimed. "GLOW IN THE DARK WAN WEI!"

Then she decided to demonstrate her (potential) blow-job skills. OMG.

(btw, I know I sound like a retarded witch with my laugh)

I know, I know. We're SUPER lame. *grins*

Ohhh and I'll be going to Cameron Highlands on a weekend family getaway with my parents and Jaclyn (since we're practically sisters) this Saturday. :D

This is gonna be so fun. And exactly what I need. ;) Okay, time to sleep. Take care, all!

....... Maybe I'll dream of glow in the dark ice cream. Joking!

Goodbye, butterflies

2006-09-11T06:05:00.000+08:00

I just watched Click.

... And I cried like how Fifi cried when I accidentally spilled hot pork soup on her. Okok, just exaggerating. But I really teared up at some point and grabbed a whole lot of tissue to wipe my tears. =((((

So I have no idea why am I bloody emo nowadays. Okay, fine, I *do* know why ... (and it's not PMS, dammit though I wish it was)

Anyway, if I had an universal remote control, it would've been pretty damn depressing. Cause I would merely rewind time to all the moments when I made major mistakes .... I would've cried, shouted and slapped the Me of the past, screaming "don't fucking SAY this! You're gonna regret for MONTHS after that, you hear me? You're making a mistake and you KNOW it!!! Don't do this, damn it!" ...

....... Only to find that my screams would change nothing, since everything that happened already ... happened. And I'd just end up coming home to the Now, feeling guilty, regretful and teary-eyed again. =.=''

Oh yeah, I teared up when I watched Crash, too. OH MAN, I'm turning into an emo crying machine, and I am NOT liking it. I remember practically wailing when I re-watched I'm Sorry I love you.

Anyway, it's merely coincidential that I'm staying home on a Sunday afternoon :) it has nothing to do with me feeling miserable and bored of social ordeals that only guarantee a whole load of gossips. :)

Hoho, this is a definite first, man. Eliza Lee spends her Sunday at home, blogging.

------- personal bit you should probably skip unless you're super kepoh ----------

You know what? I'm sick of this.

I'm sick of jumping excitedly whenever my phone rings, only to find that it isn't you. I'm sick of staring at your name in my phone for bloody long in my bed before I sleep, wondering if I should call or SMS you, wondering if you're okay. I'm even sick of that whole bundle of bliss I feel whenever I see you. And the joy I feel that instantly brightened up my day whenever the phone rings and it IS you.

I'm not used to this. I really am not. Everybody knows I'm freaking cold blooded, dammit! How could you transform me into a pool of emotional mush so easily?

You think that I'm a jerk. I sometimes think that I am one, too. But couldn't you tell that it's just a part of my defence mechanism? I was always slightly more jerkier to you, cause you made me feel SO vulnerable. Like .... I was almost certain that you could hurt me really bad if you wanted to. I don't want to be hurt. I really don't. I'd do whatever it takes to protect myself, but little did I know, the more I tried ... the more I was hurting.

You call me a player. And because of that, I regret everyday that I didn't do things differently.

I think the worst part is that I miss you so much. So goddamn much. I'm powerless, defenseless, and defeated.

So I have to let this go. Let you go. For once, I think that I'm doing the right thing by ending this emotional roller coaster for the both of us. Soon, with time I hope, everything will just cease into nothing but funny and sweet memories.

At least you taught me some REALLY big lessons. =) And no matter what, I guess I'll still always be grateful to you for that.

----------------------

I've learnt that I'm pretty damn loyal, man. (haha wtf)

I don't know why but I can't seem to be like other people, who somehow manage to date and love new people just a few weeks after a bad break-up. And in my case, it isn't even a break-up. O_o'' Yet I was majorly affected for like what, a whole month?

One month of unsent SMSes, happily saved messages (that are now deleted), shy yum-cha sessions, awkward-but-endearing phone calls that got more and more rare ... one month of waiting too much, and caring too much. And confused butterflies fluttering in my heart.

I guess I just need time. At least now I'm making a conscious effort to end things once and for all.

And I salute myself for being so secretive about stuffs like this, as usual. Only two of my friends know the whole story. I don't think other people could tell that I was going through a pretty ... tough time.

Er ... at least I still had a bit of mood to camwhore. Hahaha. Let's talk on Skype, people!

And girls night out was pretty fun! I love you girls (ivy, chris, suet). =) I miss all the catfights and dramas we used to have ... but at the end of the day, at least we still trust each other, right? Which is more than what I could say of some new girl friends ....... Okay okay. *smacks self before revealing too much*

And BIG thank you to my NS-ed best friend who spent a whole bloody month emo-ing with me! :D A whole month! It takes a REAL friend to hang out with an annoying, zoned-out, and emo friend all the time. *awww*

You know what's the funny thing? Writing this post actually put a smile on my face. A good sign, right?

busy, busy, busy!

2006-09-08T14:00:00.000+08:00

Busy, busy, busy!

Playing the role of a LazyAss blogger who only updates her blog when she has nothing else to do, I shall roughly sum up my weird life for the past few days:

(which, actually includes my attempts to "glue" my messed-up life back into pieces. with success, of course. *beams*)

I offered (voluntarily, mind you!) to help Mr Ice Cream man with his huge assignment, which er ... isn't something I do all the time. I mean, yeah, I try to help people with their assignments and stuff if I actually could, but I helped the dude with some kinda business research thing. Which is soooo not my forte. But all in the name of friendship, ay!

We are back to really friendly and amiable terms now. About time yo! Things were so weird for awhile.

A few days ago, I had lunch with Mr "F*cking Jerk" from the angry post I wrote a few days ago. Whoa, I totally accused him for doing something that probably didn't even happen! O_o''

*paiseh*

Well, I always had a pretty bad impression of him but as it turns out, he actually turned out to be a really nice dude. Most of the time I ever spent with him prior to this, we were always with my Blabbering Good Friend (haha, am I giving everyone nicknames to protect their identity now?!) who talked about "us" more than we did, if you catch my drift ... Which always left things pretty awkward.

I'm sorry I called you a 'bloody piece of shit', dude! :D Though you don't read my blog. HAHA

Cool, I think we could actually start being friends. As long as Blabbering Good Friend would know when to shut up and stop poking her nose into the "us" thing. Cause there is no "us" thing. (only VERY few people would know what I'm talking about, I think)

My right foot which got sprained a week ago has been through a LOT of shit. Just today, I accidentally banged it against the glass door. OUCH! =(

Sis's second condominium she bought in Malaysia is ready. It's in Subang, overlooking the lake, and it is absolutely gorgeous. The moment I stepped into it, my heart sank, and I was busy pondering ... "Man, what would it FEEL like to know that I bought THIS with MY OWN MONEY before I'm even thirty?!"

Fark. I give up lah. There is practically NO way that I'm ever gonna achieve everything she did. How on earth am I supposed to buy two houses and a camry by the time I'm 30! That's like, only 12 years away! =(((((

Actually, I'm not jealous at all. Cause money isn't exactly the most important thing I'm looking for, yo. But the thing is, I keep on thinking, if SOMEBODY (even if it's my sis) could do it, why can't I? RIGHT?

And today, mum was gleefully telling me about the house sis and her boyfriend bought and are living in now. It apparently has a lovely view of Hong Kong disneyland and is 7 million HK dollars.

........... WHAT!!!

How can dad and I be so poor?! Man ...

..... Jaclyn got NS. Let's all take a moment of silence to mourn for her, and savour the tragic situation.

...

.....

........

HAHAHAHA. I really feel bad for my best friend now, cause she isn't exactly over the moon. :( What REALLY sucks is that she was supposed to come to my college in January! I really thought things would be SO cool if my best friend was in the same college as me, you know?

I think we just aren't meant to be studying together, cause when she enrolled in MY secondary school, things got messed up as well and she had to enroll somewhere else.

*BIG sigh*

But no worries, Jac-buntut! We'll survive this three month LDR! (LOL wtf)Who knows, you might come back with a leng chai boyfriend and leave me alone in my singledoom. ;)

Er ... since I haven't posted up pics in awhile, here are some random fugly ones.

Suet and I in gym. Of which, I need a LOT more gym time! (and I don't mean sitting on the cycling machines watching MTV) =(

Graphics communications was soooo boring today, which led to an intense camwhoring session with John and Andrew. I have a funny feeling that they're gonna be really "ecstatic" that I posted them up, but oh well! In the name of friendship, RIGHTTTTT? *puppy dog eyes*

Andrew having a panic attack, John's staring at the sky and me camwhoring. wtf

Andrew and John looking REALLY happy. Which is what we all love John for - he's always cheerful and gay! (HAHAHA)

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ........ [insert witty caption here]

Okok, I'd better stop. :P

Can you believe that we were camwhoring directly in front of the lecturer, and he barely gave us a curious glance? Man ...

Oh yeah, I have shitloads of assignments to do. I'm not even kidding ya. I have a feeling that I'm gonna get really tensed up soon, cause I was HORRIBLY stresed out last sem when I was working on my group assignments. And back then, there were only two subjects. Now there are five.

Uh huh ah huh ... I'm screwed. Wish me luck ya'll.

But anyway, girls night out tomorrow! Yay! :D

Oh no, not another horny online pervert!

2006-09-05T13:46:00.000+08:00

Okay, I came online, feeling bored and kinda sleepy ... hoping that chatting a bit on MSN will cheer me up and lift my spirits (har har).

Some dude (actually, I thought it was a chick) added me in MSN and asked me if I could help rate his artwork or something. And asked me to give him my honest opinion.

"She" then invited me to view webcam to show me her poster.

And yes, you probably guessed it right by now.

*GASP* ANOTHER WANKER!!!111oneone

OMG, what is it with me and all these online perverts?! Did I accidentally sign up in some kinda sex directory or something?! This is the fourth time this happened.

Hallelujah to the huge loss of my visual virgirnity.

Holy mama mia ........

(anyway, I should salute myself! :D Cause when I told the dude "f*king small la", I REALLY meant it. Take that, horny online pervert!)

Liz is BACK!

2006-09-04T09:28:00.000+08:00

Hello, sexy people!

Erm, yeah, so I didn't spend Saturday night at home again. And the stupidest thing I did was to forget to sign out of my MSN before I left my house, so when I came home on Saturday, there were like 15 messages I didn't reply to. Sorry! T_T

Ooh, so I actually spent the night at Jaclyn's place, cause I just needed to talk and beremo with my best friend. I mean, she (and possibly cally?) are the only people that know exactly what has been going on in my life lately. REALLY nauseating stuff.

I remember once writing in my blog that I'm someone that goes through many, MANY different phases in life. If you've been reading my blog for some time, you'd be able to tell, I guess. ;) See - there was my camwhorish phase (sorta over), my traffic-whoring phase, my 'problems at home' phase, my 'stressed out over group assignments' phase, my SPM phase, and my battle-with-vulgar-language phase. =.=''

Thankfully, most of them are over. But for the past month or so, I've been facing one of the most challenging phases ever. O.o It feels horribly DUMB to admit this in public, but yeah, I was kinda going through a 'boy-crazy' phase. Or something of the sort.

I finally realized that everything was too much and getting out of hand after the whole ice-cream man thing, and yesterday's fight with another guy pretty much sealed it up. I've almost made a full transition into bitch zone! =(((((

I mean ..... I think that I must've REALLY pissed off my friends. Everytime I was with my best friends, I'd be on the phone or SMSing - or complaining about various guys to them. I am SO thankful that they're still there for me, man, cause I don't know if I'd have done the same if I was in their shoes.

So I talked to Jaclyn about everything, who was pretty understanding ("I honestly don't f*king know how you liked three guys at the same time") and supportive ("hahaha, now you're back to where you started out!"). :)

We even had a big laugh over the most horrible thing I declared to Cally and Jac two weeks ago. I quote the then-bitchy me: "well ... Why do I wanna have one when I can have six?"

OMG, that definitely beats the time I accidentally commented that *censored* looks like he permanently has a hammer shoved up his ass. Damn terrible of me. *wipes tear*

Well .... I'm just happy that everything's finally resolved and over. Sure, I don't get constant SMSes at night, I don't have people calling me up whenever I feel remotely upset or bored, I don't have anybody to kacau when I'm too free ... but you know, I don't want a repetition of form 4 - my academic life was screwed. How can I screw up my college right? Especially when I did relatively pretty well in my first exam. And I'd choose friends over drama any day.

I think I'm pretty lucky that nothing too disastrous happened. At least it was fun, though. :D Life is a big learning experience, right? Ice cream man (the only one I cared about) and I are still friends. The shitbag I blogged about in my previous post and I are ... friends, since I've found out that things aren't really his fault anyway.

My life is brilliant. :D

Hehe, time to get moving on to another phase of life. *winks* I wonder why don't I ever get into, like, a FITNESS phase? =( At least that would do me some good!

OH yeah, I thought my ankle (which I sprained last week) was totally okay by now, and I went jogging after college on Friday. And I have no idea why, for some reason, my feet hurt REALLY badly after that. =(( OMG, did my bones get dislocated or something?

...........

I did not sleep a wink last night, and I watched a "friendly" futsal match (HOT GUY ALERT OMG ..... *smacks self to senses* bwahaha) till 5, then it was dinner with the peeps. I feel like I could just ...... float and die now. O.o

YOU FUCKING JERK

2006-09-02T11:38:00.000+08:00

YOU ......

hit on me like shit and when it was pretty obvious that I was only fooling around back and didn't really give a shit, you told the whole world I was the one after you and gave everybody the impression that I was the one who got rejected.

YOU .......

once told me you were in love with me, so is it that uncalled for of me if I told a friend about it? Did you have to fucking deny it and make it sound like I'm some pathetic, rejected, desperate bitch with a wild imagination?!

YOU ...........

were fooling around from the beginning, weren't you? I could always tell. And my instincts are always right. So I played your game, SO WHAT? Guess what, buddy, your ego is too fucking huge. You were pretty damn stupid to think that I liked you back.

YOU .............

fucking embarrassed me in front of way too many people. If you made it sound like I was worshipping you to your own friends - FINE. I understand that. But if you did it to MY friends, I'm not about to let it go that easily, buddy.

YOU .........................

are a bloody piece of shit. I underestimated the level of your bastard-ness.

Fine, I lose this game. But if I ever have it my way, you are SO gonna pay.

Happy Birthday, Malaysia! (a partial project Happy Malaysia post)

2006-09-01T13:49:00.000+08:00

I didn't really wanna blog today, cause even if I did, I was gonna write about my weirdly dysfunctional family (things are funnier and even more dysfunctional at home now, cause her Royal Highness that of which happens to be my sister is home for a holiday).

Which would've been pretty boring, right? I mean, I blog about my odd-but-endearingly cute family all the time, I bet nobody would be surprised if I said my dad decided to be a professional clown.

Then I remembered - Oh hey, it's MERDEKA ya'll! :D

Which reminds me how LAME I am, cause guess where I spent countdown?!

Yep. Cause I didn't stay home the whole of last weekend, my parents barred me from going out at night today. =(

Anyhoo, speaking of Countdowns, last year's Merdeka countdown was SO fun! =D My friends and I spent it at Bangsar, where a HOT white guy flashed his ass at us. Okok, it isn't exactly funny and kinda obscenely, actually, but at least it was kinda memorable. Which is more than what I could say about this year's countdown.

Anyway, I've decided to sort of take on the Project Happy Malaysia meme.

I don't profess to be an awfully patriotic person - I don't hang flags out of my bedroom window, for sure. But I love my country to bits.

I think I loved my life and Malaysia the most when I was a kid. Unlike my dad and other elders, I don't have fascinating stories of how I'd make my dolls out of straw (my mum did this!) or how I'd climb trees everyday with my siblings, but my childhood was pretty damn amazing as well.

See, those were the days when my friends and I were totally, completely trouble-free. I had a group of friends of different races, and the one thing we had in common was that our parents were not exactly the strict type. And we all shared a love for cycling. (don't ask me why =.=)

We brought the word 'carefree' to new heights. Everyday, we'd happily go to our respective schools (we were all from different schools, ironically) and look forward to the evenings, when all of us would have our daily 'meetings'. We'd all ride our old bicycles and meet up in the park, where we'd play stupid games like hide and seek (with our bicycles. So yeah, it isn't as easy as you'd think ...) or badminton.

We'd even race on our bicycles, sometimes. =.='' And of course, we were always up to mischief. There was once when all of us armed ourselves with water guns and together, we sprayed at every other kid that we laid eyes upon.

Alright, call us kids with INsufficient parental supervisation. ;)

But between all those pointless games and ice-cream pig out fests, that bond I had with the group of friends is something I don't think I could ever feel again. Little did we know that the feeling of innocence, the hunger for adventure, and the naive belief that all of us would be friends forever would soon be kicked out of us by Life itself.

It was a time when race, religion, and our differences didn't matter. We were friends because we wanted to be friends.

Everything changed after we all enrolled in secondary school. And formed new cliques with other people. (and usually, people of the same race with us. No idea why.) We all went our separate ways, though it was inevitable.

Just yesterday in college, this photographer named David Goh came to my college to show us some slides of some pictures he took. One of the pictures was of an Merdeka ad from last year, you know, the one where three kids of different races got chased by the bees and they escaped with bicycles?

Aww ... it kinda reminded me of my younger days. Though of course, it was in my neighbourhood and we were chased by other kids with bicycles, not bees. Hahaha. It was one of the rare moments that I was reminded why I love my friends, the people, and the country so much. ;)

You know, I'm sorry that I don't have a particularly heart-warming tale to tell, except the one I wrote of my lovely childhood --- it's just that since it IS my country's birthday and all, I've decided to take some inspiration from the child-version of me. The uncomplicated version of me.

I don't think she's perfect, but I absolutely adore my country. Why? I love it just because I love it lah!

Keranamu, Malaysia! *insert tanggal 31 song here*